It is a while ago. I was in a mixed-manic episode when I started the stay. I ruminate way too much about the shit that happened. There I met the STEM professor who hated me. I try to sum it up. I was in excruciating pain and extremely desperate. I was as agitated as fuck. The professor there already hated me. He did not say it but it was clear he considered me presumptuous and conceited. I was extremely desperate to that time. And I seeked way too often the conversation with him. He was really patient but my personality screwed him very much. I would talk about things I don't know anything about. On which he is kind of right. Then we had group therapy and I expressed in how severe pain I was in. Everyone including him were shocked. Two therapists prior to that gave me up - and thought I gonna ctb because of poverty and chronical suicidality which I did not mention. I was in a major depressive epsiode for over 2.5 years and had no normal mood since roundabout 8 years to that time. The interesting thing is the mixed manic epsiode ended to that time and it started a normal episode. More or less I am still depressed and suicidal but way less. So with this quick recovery they did not take my words serious anymore. There were two therapists. One of mine. And he had another one. My therapist liked me and understood me becaue we had frequent conversations. Though the other therapist was a problem for me.
I don't have proof for that. But here is what makes the most sense to me. He was quite shocked about the pain I am in and he told me that. I am quite sure his therapist must have said something like "Don't take him serious his hopelessness is delusional." So that he could stop worrying. Well she barely knew me and we barely spoke prior to that. So he considered my predictions about the future even more annoying. I always talked about the suicide that I don't know any escape from. He was pretty annoyed by that. He was more upset by the fact I pretended of being able to predict the future than about my suicidality. We also never talked about my reasons why I was so convinced. I did not want to burden him with that.
Later on I had to change the therapist. And I got the therapist of him. As I said we barely talked prior to that. She treated me like I was completely delusional about my suicidality and hopelessness. She treated me like a child. She kind of provoked me and I really became conceited. She replied with a simple answer for my problem. I just had to change the perspective and everything was fine. She acted like well we solved all of her problems, I should be grateful for this and praised herself for it. Well I am now suicidal since a decade and I suffer a lot every single day. How can I change the perspective in this instance? After I recognized how much she disliked me and treated me like I was delusional I capitulated. And I did not try to convince her of the opposite anymore. I had some psychotic symptoms to that time. So I knew I lost the battle because noone trusts the guy with psychosis. Despite the fact I am very self-aware and reflective which every of my therapists acknowledged when they talk more than 5 minutes with me.
So the whole thing was annoying. When I said goodbye to this professor I was very kind to him. And he instead more or less insulted me in front of the others which was kind of embarrassing for me.
I met him some months ago and he told me he is doing fantastic. Again I was very kind to him and I ended the conversation fast otherwise I would have annoyed him even further with my character.
I think I have to lose the admiration for that guy. He was extremely intelligent and humble to his core. And it is true I am conceited sometimes. But if I like the guy who deeply hated me this won't help my relation to myself. Other people in the clinics liked me a lot. But this dude he despised me. He was right I am probably a bullshitter who acts like he was educated but in reality I am not. However my pattern of behaviors are deeply entrenched because of the past bullying and abuse. Some of my traits are pathological. And I cannot really change them. Thinking about the whole thing triggers my impostor syndrome so fucking much. I ruminate about it on an insane level. And it makes me anxious as fuck. That other people recognize that I am only a bullshitter. It increases my self-hatred a lot. I tried to use this motivation for sometthing productive. All this anxiety and self-doubts increased my will to become more educated. Sadly my intelligence cannot really be increased way further. But the more I think about all this bullshit the more anxiety does this induce. It is a vicious cycle. I try that it does not influence my productivity badly which it sadly does to be honest.
So here are some motivational words for myself to get over it: This guy did not know me and he barely knew my real personality. I was in a real predicament that time ago. And I think the pain shed some light on some negative traits of mine. But this guy and the therapist who considered me delusional will have forgotten me very fast. They won't fucking care if I live on the street in some years. I have to invest my time in a productive way. There are so many more people on this planet. People who only judge when they know the whole story. It does not make sense ruminating about it. I probably will never ever meet these people again. I should change my focus on things which I still can change. Ruminating about the past does not give me much useful things. On this point the ruminating becomes insular and self-absorbed. Sort of an ovethinking which dramatizes these events. I am the only one who remembers that shit. My mental stability is so much more important that this useless shit which only increases my sorrows and fears.
Oh I forgot the title of the thread. I am kind of scared of a further clinic stay because the shit that happened. But overall the stay helped. The boss of the clinic was annoyed I was again in a clinic and wanted me to go very fast again. She told me I felt too good for being in a clinic. I was not the only person who was told exactly that. This was another bad thing which changed my relation to new clinic stays.
Okay to further annoy all the 4 people (at least one CIA spider and some weird chatbot who scans online texts logged in as a guest) who read that shit. I am grateful for all the clinic stays. Overall I benefited a lot. But I would lie if I did not admit that I experienced some weird shit. I was in a clinic for people with psychosis. I was completely at rock bottom. Not psychotic but acute suicidal and extremely depressed. And there was a voluntary staff member (I won't go into details) but she really looked down at people with psychosis. I noticed that in conversations with her. Ironically she wanted to become a psychologist. It hurt pretty much to see how other people's lives flourish if oneself rots in misery. But at least I can protocol all the unfair shit that happpens in this forum. I have the feeling at least for me it gives a voice to the people who are fucked by the society and who are treated very unfairly.
I don't have proof for that. But here is what makes the most sense to me. He was quite shocked about the pain I am in and he told me that. I am quite sure his therapist must have said something like "Don't take him serious his hopelessness is delusional." So that he could stop worrying. Well she barely knew me and we barely spoke prior to that. So he considered my predictions about the future even more annoying. I always talked about the suicide that I don't know any escape from. He was pretty annoyed by that. He was more upset by the fact I pretended of being able to predict the future than about my suicidality. We also never talked about my reasons why I was so convinced. I did not want to burden him with that.
Later on I had to change the therapist. And I got the therapist of him. As I said we barely talked prior to that. She treated me like I was completely delusional about my suicidality and hopelessness. She treated me like a child. She kind of provoked me and I really became conceited. She replied with a simple answer for my problem. I just had to change the perspective and everything was fine. She acted like well we solved all of her problems, I should be grateful for this and praised herself for it. Well I am now suicidal since a decade and I suffer a lot every single day. How can I change the perspective in this instance? After I recognized how much she disliked me and treated me like I was delusional I capitulated. And I did not try to convince her of the opposite anymore. I had some psychotic symptoms to that time. So I knew I lost the battle because noone trusts the guy with psychosis. Despite the fact I am very self-aware and reflective which every of my therapists acknowledged when they talk more than 5 minutes with me.
So the whole thing was annoying. When I said goodbye to this professor I was very kind to him. And he instead more or less insulted me in front of the others which was kind of embarrassing for me.
I met him some months ago and he told me he is doing fantastic. Again I was very kind to him and I ended the conversation fast otherwise I would have annoyed him even further with my character.
I think I have to lose the admiration for that guy. He was extremely intelligent and humble to his core. And it is true I am conceited sometimes. But if I like the guy who deeply hated me this won't help my relation to myself. Other people in the clinics liked me a lot. But this dude he despised me. He was right I am probably a bullshitter who acts like he was educated but in reality I am not. However my pattern of behaviors are deeply entrenched because of the past bullying and abuse. Some of my traits are pathological. And I cannot really change them. Thinking about the whole thing triggers my impostor syndrome so fucking much. I ruminate about it on an insane level. And it makes me anxious as fuck. That other people recognize that I am only a bullshitter. It increases my self-hatred a lot. I tried to use this motivation for sometthing productive. All this anxiety and self-doubts increased my will to become more educated. Sadly my intelligence cannot really be increased way further. But the more I think about all this bullshit the more anxiety does this induce. It is a vicious cycle. I try that it does not influence my productivity badly which it sadly does to be honest.
So here are some motivational words for myself to get over it: This guy did not know me and he barely knew my real personality. I was in a real predicament that time ago. And I think the pain shed some light on some negative traits of mine. But this guy and the therapist who considered me delusional will have forgotten me very fast. They won't fucking care if I live on the street in some years. I have to invest my time in a productive way. There are so many more people on this planet. People who only judge when they know the whole story. It does not make sense ruminating about it. I probably will never ever meet these people again. I should change my focus on things which I still can change. Ruminating about the past does not give me much useful things. On this point the ruminating becomes insular and self-absorbed. Sort of an ovethinking which dramatizes these events. I am the only one who remembers that shit. My mental stability is so much more important that this useless shit which only increases my sorrows and fears.
Oh I forgot the title of the thread. I am kind of scared of a further clinic stay because the shit that happened. But overall the stay helped. The boss of the clinic was annoyed I was again in a clinic and wanted me to go very fast again. She told me I felt too good for being in a clinic. I was not the only person who was told exactly that. This was another bad thing which changed my relation to new clinic stays.
Okay to further annoy all the 4 people (at least one CIA spider and some weird chatbot who scans online texts logged in as a guest) who read that shit. I am grateful for all the clinic stays. Overall I benefited a lot. But I would lie if I did not admit that I experienced some weird shit. I was in a clinic for people with psychosis. I was completely at rock bottom. Not psychotic but acute suicidal and extremely depressed. And there was a voluntary staff member (I won't go into details) but she really looked down at people with psychosis. I noticed that in conversations with her. Ironically she wanted to become a psychologist. It hurt pretty much to see how other people's lives flourish if oneself rots in misery. But at least I can protocol all the unfair shit that happpens in this forum. I have the feeling at least for me it gives a voice to the people who are fucked by the society and who are treated very unfairly.
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