Venting The hurt I caused on my last attempt

[notaboutangels]

A few months ago I spotaniusly took my new entire bottle of Pristiq. I started getting nauseous by the last handful. On top of this and my heart pounding I freaked out and got a friend who accidentally got me to a urgent care instead of an ER and sat with me in a back room while medical staff waited with me for an ambulance to come pick me up. I feel guilty for the pain I saw in her eyes in there. But the bigger guilt I have is because I think I gave my mom PTSD or at least some trauma I know she could benefit from trying to work through. She sat with me in the ER watching them suction the foam from my mouth, the plane ride to a larger hospitals ICU, to being tubed. I'm her only child because of fertility issues. I grew up being called their miracle baby because I wasn't even supposed to make it to birth. My attempt and her seeing everything seriously broke her and I can tell. She hasn't stopped breathing down my neck since and she has to call me every single day to soothe her anxiety of me doing it again. I cannot vent even just about everyday school stress that is the least of my problems without her going overboard with worry. I used to be able to vent to her, but now I keep everything to myself even more than I did before my attempt. Idk how hard this most likely successful attempt will truly send her.

 

[AnestheticVoid]

When you decide to have a baby you agree to all the fallout that comes with it. She doesn't want you to die because of her own selfish reasons probably the same reasons she decided to have you.

My mom decided to keep me knowing my father didn't want me. She gave the example having you saved my life because it gave me a reason to live. Oh thanks mom glad my suffering helped you.

 

[Red Scare]

She doesn't want you to die because of her own selfish reasons

or, you know, it's because she loves him.

 

[AnestheticVoid]

or, you know, it's because she loves him.

True love is unconditional. She would love him/her regardless of if he wanted to die or not. So if he wants to die and she can't accept that it is selfishness on her part.

Can't really see how you can refute that.

 

[Red Scare]

I can promise you she won't stop loving him just cause he died

 

[AnestheticVoid]

I can promise you she won't stop loving him just cause he died

Then why not let him have what he wants?

Let me guess because it would cause her pain right?

 

[Red Scare]

They're going to have to make their own choice, got nothing to do with "let him" or not.

 

[AnestheticVoid]

They're going to have to make their own choice, got nothing to do with "let him" or not.

"She hasn't stopped breathing down my neck since"

Doesn't sound like she accepts his ability to make his own choice.

 

[notaboutangels]

"She hasn't stopped breathing down my neck since"

Doesn't sound like she accepts his ability to make his own choice.

She doesn't try to stop any of my choices but she's hyper aware of anything that could point to me deciding I'm going to hurt myself again. I don't like it but she's traumatized and I'm not mad at her for the way she acts. It's more sympathy as I know she does all this to soothe her anxiety.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide does cause pain to others and while I know that it can be hard to deal with for them, the way I see it we all have a right to exit at a time of our own choosing, and we have no obligations to stay alive as we did not ask to exist, it is a personal decision when to leave this world. I am sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I can imagine that it must have been awful going through that attempt. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[notaboutangels]

Suicide does cause pain to others and while I know that it can be hard to deal with for them, the way I see it we all have a right to exit at a time of our own choosing, and we have no obligations to stay alive as we did not ask to exist, it is a personal decision when to leave this world. I am sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I can imagine that it must have been awful going through that attempt. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you for the kind words.