The Hell Awaiting Me

[QuincyME]

I posted this in response to another thread so I figured I would post it as its own thread:

I'll be homeless in July if not sooner. I suffer from severe depression and can't work. I don't have a medical diagnosis and can't afford to get one, not that it would make a difference at this point. I'm fully aware the nightmare existence that being homeless is. I'm 56 and I know this will be the last chapter in my life. I'm in reasonably good health and I could live for a very long time under circumstances that an animal shouldn't be subjected to. With that being said, I have a loaded .45 that is more than enough to do the job. I have put that gun in my mouth hundreds of times and can't pull the trigger. I have 5 months left in my apartment and enough money to cover rent, utilities and food. Knowing what's waiting for me is like a form of psychological torture. Every day feels like it's a thousand years long. I keep telling myself to be grateful for the time I have left with a roof over my head and food to eat, but it doesn't help. Unless I find the switch in my brain between now and July, my existence on this planet is going to be a hellish nightmare with no end in sight. I can't imagine there's too many people out there that can top this in terms of wanting to die.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here . Our situations aren't identical, but I can relate. I wake up every morning feeling like I'm on death row. It's hard to enjoy much of anything with something like this hanging over one's head. I wish I had better suggestions. I wish I had all the answers. I wish we were living in a completely different society. Unfortunately, as bleak as it is, I think this is all I've got. Assuming you've exhausted all other possible options, and if you would truly rather die than be homeless, maybe there's some other method you haven't considered that wouldn't seem quite as daunting. I understand that death in & of itself is daunting as it is, but maybe there's some softer way to get there. Idk.

 

[Yogih212]

I get you brother, I really do. I hope you find a way to have peace with this or possibly do the deed and have the courage for that if that is better for you. My situation isn't good either, so I feel you. I cannot imagine bearing my situation for a few more weeks, let alone months or years.

 

[QuincyME]

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here . Our situations aren't identical, but I can relate. I wake up every morning feeling like I'm on death row. It's hard to enjoy much of anything with something like this hanging over one's head. I wish I had better suggestions. I wish I had all the answers. I wish we were living in a completely different society. Unfortunately, as bleak as it is, I think this is all I've got. Assuming you've exhausted all other possible options, and if you would truly rather die than be homeless, maybe there's some other method you haven't considered that wouldn't seem quite as daunting. I understand that death in & of itself is daunting as it is, but maybe there's some softer way to get there. Idk.

It's the only option I have available. I just don't see things changing between now and the end of July. Thank you for your reply. I don't know what your situation is, but I wish you the best in dealing with it.

I get you brother, I really do. I hope you find a way to have peace with this or possibly do the deed and have the courage for that if that is better for you. My situation isn't good either, so I feel you. I cannot imagine bearing my situation for a few more weeks, let alone months or years.

My father dealt with untreatable depression for decades. You could see the pain in his eyes. One big difference was that he had a home until he died. My situation is on an entirely different scale.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I have put that gun in my mouth hundreds of times and can't pull the trigger.

I haven't even managed to buy a gun and this scares the shit out of me. That even if I got over the hump and acquired one, when I'm a click from eternity I won't be able to do it.

 

[T22222222]

I posted this in response to another thread so I figured I would post it as its own thread:

I'll be homeless in July if not sooner. I suffer from severe depression and can't work. I don't have a medical diagnosis and can't afford to get one, not that it would make a difference at this point. I'm fully aware the nightmare existence that being homeless is. I'm 56 and I know this will be the last chapter in my life. I'm in reasonably good health and I could live for a very long time under circumstances that an animal shouldn't be subjected to. With that being said, I have a loaded .45 that is more than enough to do the job. I have put that gun in my mouth hundreds of times and can't pull the trigger. I have 5 months left in my apartment and enough money to cover rent, utilities and food. Knowing what's waiting for me is like a form of psychological torture. Every day feels like it's a thousand years long. I keep telling myself to be grateful for the time I have left with a roof over my head and food to eat, but it doesn't help. Unless I find the switch in my brain between now and July, my existence on this planet is going to be a hellish nightmare with no end in sight. I can't imagine there's too many people out there that can top this in terms of wanting to die.

if you don't mind me asking, how did you make it upto 56 without working? i'm 21 currently and i don't see a possibility of me working so i'm in the scenario where im certain im going to end up homeless at some point. so that's why im just curious

 

[QuincyME]

if you don't mind me asking, how did you make it upto 56 without working? i'm 21 currently and i don't see a possibility of me working so i'm in the scenario where im certain im going to end up homeless at some point. so that's why im just curious

I had a job that I absolutely loved and excelled at. In May of 2019 my boss, who hated me, closed my position. It was his last official act on his last day before he retired. Suicide wasn't even on my radar until that day. After that I worked at several different jobs unsuccessfully. My mental health really hit rock bottom last year. I haven't worked since January of 2025. I know the horrific life that awaits me and I've got to pull that trigger while I have that gun.

 

[DeathWish3301]

I had a job that I absolutely loved and excelled at. In May of 2019 my boss, who hated me, closed my position. It was his last official act on his last day before he retired. Suicide wasn't even on my radar until that day. After that I worked at several different jobs unsuccessfully. My mental health really hit rock bottom last year. I haven't worked since January of 2025. I know the horrific life that awaits me and I've got to pull that trigger while I have that gun.

You speak highly of your old job. Mind if I ask what you used to do? No worries if not.

 

[QuincyME]

You speak highly of your old job. Mind if I ask what you used to do? No worries if not.

I was a science teacher and program coordinator at a university. What's your story?

 

[DeathWish3301]

I was a science teacher and program coordinator at a university. What's your story?

I can actually relate to your circumstances, believe it or not. I was in almost identical circumstances with the exception of me being younger.

I saw your post when it originally went up. I didn't initially respond because it hit really close to home for me. I kept going back to it not knowing what to say.

You can DM me, if you'd like. I'd be happy to give you someone to talk to, at the very least.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I have guns too . but i haven't been able to even put the loaded rifle in my mouth .

why do you think you haven't been able to ?

 

[QuincyME]

I can actually relate to your circumstances, believe it or not. I was in almost identical circumstances with the exception of me being younger.

I saw your post when it originally went up. I didn't initially respond because it hit really close to home for me. I kept going back to it not knowing what to say.

You can DM me, if you'd like. I'd be happy to give you someone to talk to, at the very least.

How do I DM you? Sorry, I'm not tech savvy.

 

[DeathWish3301]

How do I DM you? Sorry, I'm not tech savvy.

You're good. I'll send you the initial message so you can respond back if you feel like it.

The top right corner of the page should have an icon of two speech bubbles.

Click that, then go to 'private conversations' when you're on that page. It gives you the option to send and receive chat messages.

You can also click on someone's username and the options should be there as well.

 

[QuincyME]

You're good. I'll send you the initial message so you can respond back if you feel like it.

The top right corner of the page should have an icon of two speech bubbles.

Click that, then go to 'private conversations' when you're on that page. It gives you the option to send and receive chat messages.

You can also click on someone's username and the options should be there as well.

Ok. I think I sent you a message. Please reply so that I know I did it correctly.

 

[DeathWish3301]

Ok. I think I sent you a message. Please reply so that I know I did it correctly.

I did. I don't use the chat function myself so I'm not sure if theres an issue with it. But I did see your DM and replied.