The goof house (psych ward) 8 years of experience

[shantyizlit]

I have been in and out of the psych ward for 8 years, almost up to 5 of those years spent inside the psych ward.. much of the time in the closed facility without ever being able to leave the place for even a walk or to buy myself a soft drink.
Do you think this place is fucked up for locking you up because you share your feelings of want/need to ctb? Well let me tell you being truthful in here gets you in heaps of trouble.
I can't even begin to complain about the medication they give to me(which I spit out) because they would become suspicious of my activity.
If I were to complain about the negative impacts of the medication they would surely question whether I am even taking it or not.

I came into the ward when I was 17 in the youth department, it's separated until the age of 20 where you go to the adult ward. Back then I like most people had a certain trust in the medical world, so I just popped the pills as they told me to. And the negative effects of this shit creep up on you (been treated with antipsychotics), I was a very prolific gaming enthusiast and I noticed my skills waning significantly because that was what my life revolved around, playing League of Legends. I hadn't even thought that me becoming bored with the game had anything to do with my medication, but at some point I got the idea to stop taking it, so I quit cold turkey and I couldn't sleep for shit.(Probably a bad idea, should've tapered down.)
After I become increasingly suspicious of the negative impacts of this medication I started resenting it, and would actively disapprove of being told to take this medication which then followed into involuntary medication.
I've told them over and over how bad this shit is for me and how much it destroys my life and my happiness, they just put it aside, because apparently it's better for me to become miserable than psychotic.. And let me tell you being psychotic is probably one of the best experiences of my life.
They just don't listen to reason, whatever these doctors have learned in their education is apparently more important than the nuances of anecdotal experience with these substances.

I've spat so much medication out throughout my life it's insane. But they have this thing with antipsychotics which is called a depot injection that you get either every 2 weeks or a month, and this shit lasts for so long.. months before it's cleared out of your system.
I've gotten this 2 times in the past, easily the worst periods of my life distinctly marked by negative experience on my life. But I managed to recover from it the other two times.

This time I won't recover it's already been at least a month maybe two it's not like I'm counting days anymore, but it just wrecked me. I have literally no motivation to improve myself whatsoever, I can't even go for a walk without dreading it, and I used to be so productive aspiring to live like monks do, yoga meditation shit like that day in and out.. that really helped me get better. If you still have a shred of passion for life I would really recommend to you to seek out actual authentic yoga or meditation not this new age bullshit that's just a fancy waste of time.
I've considered suicide a lot, especially at around the age of 16 it started becoming a daily thing. I was stubborn, I still am. I just didn't want to kill myself I couldn't, I did not deserve that cruelty, and that's what shifted my ambitions towards self improvement, because if there was one thing I hadn't tried it was living every waking moment towards self improvement and it worked.. it really worked. a lot.
So dumb that all my relentless grinding has come to a halt with a single involuntary injection, all that fire in my soul just gone.

If you're thinking about psychiatry, there's 2 options in my opinion. You know the drugs/options you want from psychiatry, you've done your own research so you formulate yourself according to plan. Maybe you want specific medications, maybe you want a diagnosis so you can get that fancy welfare payment. Think long and hard about it, these people don't just hand out anything for free.
Second option is to be as brutally honest as you can, literally say everything on your mind.. that's the biggest chance you can get at this thing ever working for you; it didn't for me.. but I'm certain it's worked for some. Obviously you can get into huge trouble if you start talking about how you've already perfected a technique to ctb, they would be overly concerned.. but they need everything from you so they can give you everything they have (which from my experience is mostly just drugs).

Hell I get paid just to breathe now and as good as that was for me for doing my monk-mode grind, psychiatry fucked me up.. completely. They literally ruined my chances of recovery by just being oblivious to the damage they can do to a persons life.
Also if you like recreational drug usage or could use some extra dollars to your name there are some interesting drugs they can prescribe to you that you can either ingest yourself or sell.
To tell my opinion that's probably the most worth you can get out of psychiatry as sad as that sounds. But then again that's my opinion formulated from how psychiatry works for me. Just free shit.
If you could really need someone to talk to about the crap you're dealing with then psychiatry might actually be a viable option because there's a lot of talking, it just doesn't help much when you have to be overly careful with what you say as to not get involuntarily hospitalized and/or medicated.

I've dealt with this shit a lot and at the moment I just get my meals prepared for me which I have to eat at certain times, maybe go for a walk with some of the staff just to show some engagement, else the rest I do is just sit in front of my PC trying to enjoy the last of my days as much as possible.
There's some complications with my method to ctb that required some time to pass so I might as well do it in here, I could maybe get myself out right now but I'm so much more comfortable as I am right now rather than in my own apartment (mostly because of furniture and cooking) and I can still do the advancements needed to successfully ctb while in here.

If you think suicide prevention is a joke for help, you should really check out psychiatry it's so morbid that if you have a very dark sense of humor you might just die of laughter, wouldn't that be a nice way to ctb.


If you have any questions about the psych ward I'd be happy to 'help'.

 

[Walilamdzii]

Hey, I've been in and out over the past 7 years and it's totally destroyed my will to live. I agree with you, it's very damaging, and the meds they prescribe me don't improve my quality of life. What did they diagnose you/medicate you with?

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

Oh my god. I have had a single day of stay in a ward, taken against my will, and left terrified. I can't imagine what it's been like for you.
It's really cool that you are interested in yoga. When you are by yourself, there isn't much to work on than yourself.

How is keeping up with the world? You have access to a PC right? Are you up to date with the news?
When I was warded, we just had a tiny communal TV and that was it. No books, magazines, much less personal cellphones.

Best wishes, and hugs to you

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so awful to me being trapped inside the psych ward for that long, I hate how we exist in this world where suicidal people are treated like criminals and are locked up. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[shantyizlit]

Hey, I've been in and out over the past 7 years and it's totally destroyed my will to live. I agree with you, it's very damaging, and the meds they prescribe me don't improve my quality of life. What did they diagnose you/medicate you with?

First it was bipolar then hebephrenic schizophrenia then schizoaffective, but as it stands right now they probably couldn't even diagnose me with anything whatsoever, but having a diagnosis on paper helps them push pills down my throat whether I think it helps or not. I've almost exclusively been treated with antipsychotics so I can't really speak for other meds, but damn did they fuck me up.

It's totally destroyed my will to live

Yeah it's kinda fucked up the only instance in this world to help people like us will do that to you, really gives you a lot of mistrust to society as a whole when you can literally go no where with your problems, and if you do you get treated sometimes worse than a farm animal.

Oh my god. I have had a single day of stay in a ward, taken against my will, and left terrified. I can't imagine what it's been like for you.
It's really cool that you are interested in yoga. When you are by yourself, there isn't much to work on than yourself.

How is keeping up with the world? You have access to a PC right? Are you up to date with the news?
When I was warded, we just had a tiny communal TV and that was it. No books, magazines, much less personal cellphones.

Best wishes, and hugs to you

Yeah what else would you work on by your lonesome lol.

I don't really keep up with the world of course I know there's a war going on in europe and I also caught wind of the corona outbreak but that's about the extent of my knowledge of what's going on with 'the real world'.
Yeah I can use my PC and my cell phone this would be far too fucked up if I couldn't, especially if I lived in a place like America where they would make me pay for this kind of whack treatment, that would've been so absurd and left a very bitter taste in my mouth. Thankfully everything is paid for here by the government plus I take in a decent paycheck from welfare every month, so I've saved up a decent chunk of money that will go towards a drug fueled frenzy before I ctb.

It sounds so awful to me being trapped inside the psych ward for that long, I hate how we exist in this world where suicidal people are treated like criminals and are locked up. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

Yes but don't forget that they lock you up for your own good, because rotting up in a mental ward with grueling daily suffering is definitely worth it for the chance that you can end up like some of the other people who actually got better.. Because surely everyone must get better, no matter how long they've been dealing with shit.
If only you could actually talk about suicide without gruesome repercussions then maybe it wouldn't feel so bad being treated this way, but you just have to lie about all sorts of shit on the daily and then ctb as sneakily as possible playing a fucking game of stealth.

I'd want maybe a whole month of a drug frenzy before I'd ctb on heroin, but they've got me drug tested every monday wednesday and friday, so my best option is to just start the friday as early as possible and then off myself on sunday night. I just wish I could tell anyone who would try to understand, it would be cool to have a raving party before I go out, but I can't even tell my parents as they will call the cops on me for being a danger to myself.
I cringe daily at just trivialities in this world that we do without giving them much thought, I just hate this thoughtless optimism towards everything like it's all going to be good..