Venting The girl I was

[deepsweetdiver]

I would give anything to take my life before I was even born. I don't know what I would give to go back to the young version of me. She's me, but I would love her like she was my own daughter, she could never be my daughter though. I never could bring a human into this disgusting world.

I want to first tell my young self- I'm sorry. I'm incredibly sorry I had to put you through the pointless horror of this world. I'm sorry I didn't get sick at birth and die only a day into existence. I'm sorry I didn't wander off into traffic. I'm sorry I didn't stupidly put plastic bags over my head. I'm sorry our mom locked all the cleaning stuff away. I'm sorry that I was so loud. I'm sorry I embarrassed you in class. I'm sorry I had to deal with grief so young. I'm sorry I got sick so much. I'm sorry for getting us this far.

I want to say I hate her- how we look, how we act, how we can never make up our minds, how we never go the right path, how we keep being the weird one, how we keep living.

I want to say I love her. I could never put into words the pain we will face. I will love you regardless, I cannot love myself anymore but I can love the young me who is helpless and worried. I will love you even when you feel like no one does. I will love you when you sobbing and drooling and sneezing and I will love you when you want to hurt everyone in anger.

I know I can't say anything. I know whatever I say is useless, young me will age and fall down the same path until she results in me in the present. People will hurt me and anger me and I will only fester in that rage and pain regardless of what I do.

Young me, I am very sorry. This world is a wound in the skin of the universe. You will suffer, and for that I am sorry.