Bagel Lover
Member
- Jun 5, 2023
- 16
Hello everyone reading this,
I've come to the realization that, in fact, it never gets better. Here is my story.
I'm 19 years old and I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I could remember. My mom has had a chokehold on my life since the beginning and all I've ever done was my best. She would belittle me for the simplest things and even when each of her children (I have 2 sisters) told her they all had suicidal thoughts, she went to blame that she was struggling in work and in a new country without her own family support group.
I was a straight A student, and I have a supportive friend group who care for me immensely. I had a boyfriend who I thought loved me. I have a scholarship in my college and I am supposed to graduate this spring and transfer to a university as a molecular biology and biochemistry major. Last night, I got accepted to my target university. I worked two jobs because my mom is stingy with money. I was a captain of a team and vice-president of a club in high school, and graduated at the 10% of my class.
However, despite all I've accomplished, nothing ever gets better. I still want to CTB.
The state of the world is horrible, from climate change to the power system we are subject to. People do horrible crimes knowing it is wrong, keeping a cycle of pain in the world. We are on the path of destroying the earth and all the other life on it because of consumerism. When I graduate, I will have to work for some corporation who will only feed off of my efforts to try to help the environment.
I have reached my final straw this semester. It turned out I was taking the wrong classes to graduate, so instead of 6 classes I'm taking 7. I had a cyst forming on my temple for the past 5 months, told my mom, but she did nothing about it. She only took action for a dermatologist when my sister starting showing skin problems as well. But because I was in class, she got angry I didn't text her back about when I was available for an appointment, so she missed a time for me to go. She told me she hated me right when I got home.
An hour later, I took my biology dissection kit and opened up the cyst, using tweezers to take out whatever hard stuff was in it. My mom saw me preparing, and didn't stop me. I showed my boyfriend, he didn't stop me. I already had a history of SH, so this was not hard to do. The only complaint my mom had was that I left blood in the bathroom.
Now we reach my final straw. It turned out that my boyfriend (now ex) had been lying to me for the entirety of our 2.5 year relationship. In the beginning, I told him I did not tolerate him looking at porn because it meant he was sexually attracted to someone other than me. He promised he would stop. Then, I proceeded to find out 3 times (almost twice every year) that he had "relapsed" and looked. I told him how much it hurt me, and in order for him to stop I sent him nudes and gave up my body to him to keep his urges at bay. I started working out for him so that my body would be within his preference. He would apologize and tell me it wouldn't happen again. I trusted him and I would rely on his word that he didn't look. We would have late night calls every night with him by my side because I told him it made me feel safe that he was with me, not looking. I had so much hope he had changed.
But the whole time he was indulging in porn. I found out he was looking at Insta models because his recommended search engine on there would show models for each letter you inputted. The funniest part of this was that I found out Instagram algorithm would do that because the models I knew he looked at would appear for me since I would always go to their profiles to compare myself. He knew I would compare myself to the women he looked at from the start, and I always told him how inadequate I felt. Despite it all, he never stopped looking.
Now he has finally told me the truth: he never stopped masturbating to other women or looking at hentai. He said has been doing that almost everyday throughout our relationship. He wants to go to therapy to stop, but I think the damage has already been done. I don't think he will be able to change; he knew that I was suicidal and did SH, but did not change. I still want to be with him, but the thoughts of him looking at other women behind my back and his audacity to lie about it plagues me everyday. We broke up on Valentine's Day too.
I just don't think it will ever get better. From my family relationships, such as my siblings looking down on me for some reason, to my ex betraying my trust and giving me trauma. He was my rock and I told him everything. He was the one who would listen to my issues with an open heart, but hurt me in an unimaginable way.
I hope to be able to CTB soon. My parents are going to vacation for 5 days tomorrow so I think that will be a good time. I have access to SN, but I do not have the proper drugs to keep it down (meto, etc.). I told people that I plan on doing it, but I don't think they think I'm serious lol. My ex came by the other night because I told him I was gonna kill myself before blocking him everywhere. He told me not to and he will change, and I said my decision to CTB isn't something he could decide. He had enough chances, and each time I had to pick myself up from it.
We still talk now but I realize that he will continue to keep looking at porn based on the other people in recovery for porn addiction. I don't think I will be able to handle him in recovery, then relapsing right in my face. There just isn't hope anymore. I hate constantly comparing myself to the women he looked at, and wondering how far he went. I hate the guilt I feel for existing and polluting the earth. I hate knowing the fate of my future. I hate my mom telling me I'm not good enough, and my siblings judging me.
This is me shouting in the void, and hoping whoever hears it will at least know my story before I'm gone. If I follow through with this I hope to document my journey with SN so others could learn from it.
I've come to the realization that, in fact, it never gets better. Here is my story.
I'm 19 years old and I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I could remember. My mom has had a chokehold on my life since the beginning and all I've ever done was my best. She would belittle me for the simplest things and even when each of her children (I have 2 sisters) told her they all had suicidal thoughts, she went to blame that she was struggling in work and in a new country without her own family support group.
I was a straight A student, and I have a supportive friend group who care for me immensely. I had a boyfriend who I thought loved me. I have a scholarship in my college and I am supposed to graduate this spring and transfer to a university as a molecular biology and biochemistry major. Last night, I got accepted to my target university. I worked two jobs because my mom is stingy with money. I was a captain of a team and vice-president of a club in high school, and graduated at the 10% of my class.
However, despite all I've accomplished, nothing ever gets better. I still want to CTB.
The state of the world is horrible, from climate change to the power system we are subject to. People do horrible crimes knowing it is wrong, keeping a cycle of pain in the world. We are on the path of destroying the earth and all the other life on it because of consumerism. When I graduate, I will have to work for some corporation who will only feed off of my efforts to try to help the environment.
I have reached my final straw this semester. It turned out I was taking the wrong classes to graduate, so instead of 6 classes I'm taking 7. I had a cyst forming on my temple for the past 5 months, told my mom, but she did nothing about it. She only took action for a dermatologist when my sister starting showing skin problems as well. But because I was in class, she got angry I didn't text her back about when I was available for an appointment, so she missed a time for me to go. She told me she hated me right when I got home.
An hour later, I took my biology dissection kit and opened up the cyst, using tweezers to take out whatever hard stuff was in it. My mom saw me preparing, and didn't stop me. I showed my boyfriend, he didn't stop me. I already had a history of SH, so this was not hard to do. The only complaint my mom had was that I left blood in the bathroom.
Now we reach my final straw. It turned out that my boyfriend (now ex) had been lying to me for the entirety of our 2.5 year relationship. In the beginning, I told him I did not tolerate him looking at porn because it meant he was sexually attracted to someone other than me. He promised he would stop. Then, I proceeded to find out 3 times (almost twice every year) that he had "relapsed" and looked. I told him how much it hurt me, and in order for him to stop I sent him nudes and gave up my body to him to keep his urges at bay. I started working out for him so that my body would be within his preference. He would apologize and tell me it wouldn't happen again. I trusted him and I would rely on his word that he didn't look. We would have late night calls every night with him by my side because I told him it made me feel safe that he was with me, not looking. I had so much hope he had changed.
But the whole time he was indulging in porn. I found out he was looking at Insta models because his recommended search engine on there would show models for each letter you inputted. The funniest part of this was that I found out Instagram algorithm would do that because the models I knew he looked at would appear for me since I would always go to their profiles to compare myself. He knew I would compare myself to the women he looked at from the start, and I always told him how inadequate I felt. Despite it all, he never stopped looking.
Now he has finally told me the truth: he never stopped masturbating to other women or looking at hentai. He said has been doing that almost everyday throughout our relationship. He wants to go to therapy to stop, but I think the damage has already been done. I don't think he will be able to change; he knew that I was suicidal and did SH, but did not change. I still want to be with him, but the thoughts of him looking at other women behind my back and his audacity to lie about it plagues me everyday. We broke up on Valentine's Day too.
I just don't think it will ever get better. From my family relationships, such as my siblings looking down on me for some reason, to my ex betraying my trust and giving me trauma. He was my rock and I told him everything. He was the one who would listen to my issues with an open heart, but hurt me in an unimaginable way.
I hope to be able to CTB soon. My parents are going to vacation for 5 days tomorrow so I think that will be a good time. I have access to SN, but I do not have the proper drugs to keep it down (meto, etc.). I told people that I plan on doing it, but I don't think they think I'm serious lol. My ex came by the other night because I told him I was gonna kill myself before blocking him everywhere. He told me not to and he will change, and I said my decision to CTB isn't something he could decide. He had enough chances, and each time I had to pick myself up from it.
We still talk now but I realize that he will continue to keep looking at porn based on the other people in recovery for porn addiction. I don't think I will be able to handle him in recovery, then relapsing right in my face. There just isn't hope anymore. I hate constantly comparing myself to the women he looked at, and wondering how far he went. I hate the guilt I feel for existing and polluting the earth. I hate knowing the fate of my future. I hate my mom telling me I'm not good enough, and my siblings judging me.
This is me shouting in the void, and hoping whoever hears it will at least know my story before I'm gone. If I follow through with this I hope to document my journey with SN so others could learn from it.
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