Venting The feeling of never being understood

[demuic]

Nothing makes sense. I think that is the one thing that I hate most about the world. How chaos and randomness are the dominating elements. And when people try to impose order on things, it is only a way of imposing their will on others. I feel brutality is everywhere and people can only survive if they are blind to it in some way. I don't like people. I don't like the callousness, the stupidity, the rules and regulations, the majority of behaviors and mindsets that seem to affect most people. Most people are incomprehensible to me. More than that, they are repugnant to me - in the sense that I feel that I am diametrically opposed to most of the values, behaviors, and beliefs that I observe in others. We are not compatible, and since I cannot change the world or people around me, nor can I change myself, I will take myself out of the picture entirely.

I feel like the only person in the world who is anything like me. Of course there are people I can relate to on the some matters, but the whole picture of who I am, nothing completely matches up. I feel existence is inherently lonely, at least mine is. Being trapped inside your own head, that is how I would describe my life. It is even lonelier when you are always on the outside and can never find anyone who feel the same way you do. Even in groups of people who supposedly share my conditions, there will still remain the feeling of being an outsider in some way, always an outsider looking in. This feeling has existed for as long as I have been alive. It will never go away. I can't convey the extent of the profound effect this experience has had on my psyche, on who I am.

There's no one knows the real me. I've never felt there was anyone who would understand. I feel like I already don't exist, because who I am has never been witnessed by anyone. Perhaps it would be considered strange to have a problem with this. I know that people don't show who they are to everyone all the time, they behave and reveal parts of themselves differently based on the context. But to me it is crushing. All I ever wanted was for someone to know me, because being alone with myself is all I have ever known. I will never have that.

There is nothing that could be done that would make me want to live. Even if there were some futuristic sci-fi procedure that could rewire my brain to turn me into a normie and make me content with living in this world, I would not take it. Because I don't see living in this world as a good thing. I want to escape as soon as possible.

I can't accept a mediocre and unfulfilling existence, surrounding by people and things I hate. I have nothing but resentment for everything I see around me. Anyone would if they saw things the way I do, in my situation. Once you understand that we are nothing but biological machines, existing for no particular reason but to replicate in the same manner of a virus, spreading terror and misery in its wake, if you are not happy somehow amidst all the madness, if you do not have something to distract you and blind you and occupy your time, if do not have even some way of eking out the smallest amounts of enjoyment amidst a sea of vicious hate, there is no reason to go on. There is nothing here on earth for me. That is all I can say. I don't belong at all.

Even this post may not be understood. This is just a jumble of thoughts with a loose thread connecting them. I am letting some things out because I feel death is approaching. My SN is here and I now I must attempt to gather the other elements of regime. I hope I can overcome the inertia and apathy enough to prevent myself from simply consuming the SN alone, to decrease my chances of an unpleasant experience.

 

[Zzzzz]

May you find peace one way or another.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never been able to relate to people as well. I see myself as having no place in this world. In my case I believe that it is impossible to accept a life you do not see as worth living, at least I cannot. I see people who want to live in a world where there is so much pain and suffering as being delusional. Life is both pointless and depressing. I wish you the best.

 

[Chiisai]

I feel you and it seems most here also find this relatable. I guess we are unique and our uniqueness makes us a special breed. My only consolation for this is that I may just be temporary here and that there is a better place for me.

 

[Darkover]

like how life is not miracle but a curse, how disgusting it is that we have to eat and poop ect.

 

[Nightmare Painting]

I've always been alone even in groups of people and could never relate to people following the generic life script. My childhood traumas and my brains destructive coping mechanism of being numb made sure I could never relate to people who live easy and carefree lives due to their constant ignorance and denial. I don't even relate to most suicidal people and I've never wanted to be alive; my one singular goal has always been suicide.

This place is meant for the fortunate who can close their eyes and cover their ears to the suffering that's external to them.

 

[Sanva]

I feel like the only person in the world who is anything like me. Of course there are people I can relate to on the some matters, but the whole picture of who I am, nothing completely matches up. I feel existence is inherently lonely, at least mine is. Being trapped inside your own head, that is how I would describe my life. It is even lonelier when you are always on the outside and can never find anyone who feel the same way you do. Even in groups of people who supposedly share my conditions, there will still remain the feeling of being an outsider in some way, always an outsider looking in. This feeling has existed for as long as I have been alive. It will never go away. I can't convey the extent of the profound effect this experience has had on my psyche, on who I am.

This is so well put. I relate to that so much. After my last ctb attempt I told someone I felt like nobody understood me, and they said "nobody ever understands anyone". It hurt so much to hear that because it's true, and at the same time I desperately want to be understood fully. I want somebody who completely understands how I feel, I feel like that's the only way I'll ever stop feeling so alone. But it's impossible, so I'll always have to put on an act, even with friends or family.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Your posts have always resonated with me a lot. Being cognizant of one's esotericism is a hell of a curse, especially when there's a constant suffocating force demanding we fit into certain constructs and boxes.

To be too weird for normal people, yet too normal for the weirdos, is something I've always had to tango with too. Deep down, I've always been aware that I didn't belong anywhere, but refused to accept it due to the age old manta that humans can always find their own tribe and band together with a personalised brigand of fellow freaks and misfits.

Having nowhere to truly belong is a very isolating experience, and I sincerely wish you didn't have to experience it. Just one person who you could connect with, and share anything with, would make a dent in that intruding loneliness. Even in spaces where we would expect to have a lot in common with others in the group, it can turn into a solitary confinement of its own if you're unable to mimic the culture, the in jokes, the language, and the overall vibe of the community.

Expecting to find someone we can connect with, only to be let down time and time again, can feel even more disappointing than never trying in the first place. It's impossible for me to ignore the unpleasant things I know about the world and have experienced firsthand, so I've always had to accept that there would be considerable distance between me and normies.

The sheer knowledge that people will never be able to fully comprehend the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and cognition of others is heartbreaking and downright depressing. Like you mentioned, having any sort of blackpilled philosophical position, whether it be nihilism, antinatalism, etc makes you feel further and further away from your average Joe, who likely is too busy with his life to contemplate these things for more than a brief moment.

As the world becomes more complex and crowded, people are treated like commodities and often those who are different slip through the cracks as Civilization becomes too convoluted and cacophonous to keep up with those who exist on the fringes of it. Though I wish it wasn't true, it seems like we are living in one of the most disconnected and lonely periods in recent history.

 

[Crazy4u]

nobody understands ... nobody will understand ... nobody wants to understand

People are similar to each other these days. They have similar opinions, similar interests, and similar lives. They follow the crowd as is.

Noone knows the true "self". I don't even know anymore. Maybe for the best

Others have it worse. Ok, I get it. I am grateful. I still don't want a below average life.

You are not alone

 

[Life sucks]

I completely feel and understand what you mean. Despite all of my problems, my main reasons for quitting life is mainly similar. It's more about how life is inherently wrong and no matter what I do, there are infinitely many more problems and all of what I experienced is pointless and going to end.

Life is a glitch that shouldn't happen, the universe is chaotic and humans are trying to apply their own systems and thoughts that contradicts the flow of the universe. Everything is so wrong.

First, the time concept makes everything deteriorates, everything ends and dies, and that makes the whole thing as a pointless function of time, let alone the amount of gambling situations based on probability and contradictions because at every point it's possible to die.

People always used brutality to continue existence to force the viral behavior. Without oppression and if people actually lived in a peaceful world, people would stop reproducing. The history is full of examples of how people oppressed and killed each other for the continuity of this terrible species. Their rules and almost everything they do, govts, religions, cultures is just to oppress others and force reproduction which is when one looks at the bigger picture, is an animalistic behavior and they are no different than animals.

Life is wrong also because people are inherently lonely consciousness and each one is unique and completely different.
People can't see each other and they only see the outside, never the inside, why should I interact when people judge me based on the outside and never the inside, the inside of me (and of everyone) is a lost story that nobody can read. All of the pain I suffered alone is unseen. Also a lot of the ideas, emotions, dreams that goes unexpressed and even when trying, there is nothing that can truly convey it and a lot of it is lost because whatever method is loose and a lot of information is lost.

Life is a bad movie with zero input. There are a lot of problems, pain and suffering, actually infinitely many problems.

Sorry that life caused you and everyone pain and how everyone exists in a the cruel concept of life. Sorry also for the messy post, but fuck this life.

 

[Hirokami]

Ever since I was a teenager, and maybe a bit younger, I've always been a cynical asshole and a highly introverted person. And as my knowledge grew, so did my introversion and cynicism. I, too, often feel out of place in the world. I would wager that the average person wouldn't agree with my views on ctb and my general pessimism. In fact, the people who do have a fair idea about my mindset call me "edgy". Though, they'd detest me if I told them that I'm pro-choice (especially considering how a person close to me actually lost people to suicide, but I digress).

There's always this darker side to me that I have to hide from people, as if I can never be myself and express all of my viewpoints. And not just regarding suicide, either. And it makes me feel isolated for committing wrongthink in general. I can never shut off my brain as I've been exposed to how shit society is. I can never just "shut up and enjoy the product". I'm too far gone for that. Though, I've gotten jaded to being an outcast even amongst the other outcasts. In a way, I guess being a super outcast makes one unique, so there's that.

 

[Susu]

I see myself in so many of your points. You described it so well and I even discovered new things about myself and my problems.
On that note, I want to share an excerpt from one of my favorite books that reminds me a lot of your vent:
"I am not sure if conscious life is a gift, a curse, or both. To love is to lose. To think and try is to fail. To live is to die. But is it better to have done all the above, than to have not?

Life is an equation multiplied by zero. No matter what you add to it and how big you make it, you still end up with zero. We will all lose everyone we love, whether its them or us first. We will fight for our need for certainty and control, and the universe will throw its indifference back at us. We will do a bunch of stuff to make the world a better place and fuck it up worse. We will do everything right and still feel scared, confused, wrong and unhappy. We will never find ultimate solace in any place, person, thing, idea, or way of life. We will exist on the edge of madness. We will flail around in the turbine of boredom and anxiety. Everything we've ever done will dissolve away with us, and if somehow there is anything left in some remote, distant future, the universe will swallow it with its last meal."

For anyone interested, this is from the book "Notes from the end of everything" by Robert Pantano who is also known as Pursuit of Wonder on YouTube.

Edit: Thanks for your vent. It really helped me in some way.

 

[NormaJeane]

It seems like most humans do not want to understand human death.

 

[Midgardsorm]

To me, you are the closest like-minded person that I found here.

It's strange how we never interacted with each other. My fault mostly. I'm shy and scared of intelligent people, such as yourself. Even though you might not see yourself like this, I do.

Having said that, I do understand that we are mere machines, meant to replicate just like a virus. And like "Agent Smith" said: Consume all the resources of an area and proceed to another.
Aside from the destruction of the planet, which we still search for a way to not having to do so, I do not see a problem with that to be frank. It's the way all natural animals behave. Through art we gave meaning to things that our brain couldn't comprehend, for our brain does not react well with uncertainty. Through science we seek to understand what was never meant to be understood and even change what wasn't suppose to be changed. I respect that.

The problem comes with the way we behave towards each other. Even though competitiveness is seen in all living beings, from unicellular to complex structured beings like ourselves, we as supposedly intelligent beings, should search for a way to end this competitiveness. To bring harmony and strive for the best for everyone.
We do not do that, much on the contrary.

Like you said, brutality is everywhere. People only care about themselves and when they try to impose order is just about imposing their will on others.


I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The segregation and ostracism is all we know. What I see everyday is what our ancestors did and today we have the audacity of saying that they were Barbaric.
Fight for the survival, killing the weak, take all what was their your as spoils of war.

Are the humans of today different? We just changed our way of fighting. Our barbarism is still everywhere. On capitalism, on relationships, on society groups.

Now, to be very honest? Like my profile pic shows, I would prefer to slice opponents down with a sword. At least I would be giving them a quick death, at least I'm would be being true, not lying to myself that I'm a peaceful person. I would love to be, but we are not, for now.

Until the day we finally have the meanings to understand one another. That is if we ever get there. Sadly, it won't be on our lifetime.


That being said: I bid you peace, the tiny amount of peace we can get while we are alive, or the true peace we can get when we are finally dead.

Be well, my friend.

 

[Gardener59]

Yeah everyone is so distracted with their own silly little lives, they turn a blind eye and can't see the barbaristic nature of our existence. To me people as a whole have evolved into such shallow creatures and what little consciousness one may have is swiftly sucked back out by the phone attached their hands. The world is just messed and we're all strangers to each other. Finding an actual friend or confidant that does more than sits in a room with you and flips through their phone is damn near possible. We're all disconnected and lost. And it seems sometimes I am guilty of it too with the being lost in my phone part.

 

[meetapple]

I don't understand people either and it is my main reason for wanting to CTB. I can make no sense of what I am expected to do or not do. It is just a random agglomeration of people's whims. I am a logical and systematic person who doesn't like this. The closest I can come to understanding people is by understanding the field of psychology and why they behave like they do. The only idea that people understand is what is normal and not normal.

 

[Insomniac]

It's scary how this sounds like me. All I will say is a lot of members appreciate the you of this forum, me included.

I can deeply relate to this and I understand that you're not trying to take yourself too seriously with this post, it's only a vent since... it's not like there's any cure or solution to this loneliness.

 

[Komm_Süsser_Tod]

"No-one understands me."

"You never understood anything."

"I thought this was supposed to be a world without pain and without uncertainty."

"That's because you thought that everyone else felt the same as you do."

"You betrayed me! You betrayed my feelings!"

"You misunderstood from the very beginning. You just believed what you wanted to believe."

'Nobody wants me, so they can all just die.'

'Then what is your hand for?'

'Nobody cares whether I live or die. Nothing will change... so they can all just die...'

"Then what is your heart for?"

"It would be better if I never existed. I should just die too."

"Then why are you here?'

"Is it OK for me to be here?"