Well
I came to vent a bit and to my surprise I see my dear has started the goodbye thread.
Why couldn't we have been together in real life.
So knowledgeable and sweet.
But unfortunately that's not how it turned out.
I wish a peaceful, painless and quick transition.
I hope we meet and will automatically know each other without saying a word.
I was honored to be mentioned in your goodbye.
Honored to have been graced with your presence... even if it was over the web.
You are right... this death thing is scary.
Which brings me to...
Today I got up to see what else I felt like packing.
Trying to ease my mind.
I tend to have many notebooks and I was getting a box to put them in.
I saw one that I don't use much anymore and decided to open it up.
To my surprise it was journal entries.
I didn't date them, but it looks like things were really beginning to unravel in 2022.
I skimmed through the entries and wow.....thats when it began...that's when I was getting more
comfortable with the idea of death and suicide.
As I skimmed the pages I saw the repetition of being grateful and giving thanks and gratitude.
But also ready to be done....just didn't have a way out or the energy to figure it out.
And these entries led all the way up to my 42nd birthday and stopped.
So for me it all makes sense now and I have a timeline of when my decline really took a turn for the worse.
It was comforting to see that I really tried and I was very appreciative of what I had.
But atlas I still failed just like I knew I would.
I say all that to say finding that journal has confirmed for me even more that my circumstances are for me unbearable.
I can't stand the idea of moving back home or to a shelter.
I can't stand the idea of having no money or vehicle.
I can't stand the idea that my credit is even worse than ever and I have on energy to rebuild.
I can't stand working a minimum wage job because in this world that's all I'm worth.
But it really confirmed that even when I was doing well that it wasn't enough to sustain me.
The depression and isolation was too much.
The real me wants to love and be loved and I couldn't get it.
The real me couldn't shake the feeling that I don't belong here and never have.
This is what Ill think of to help get me through.
Help push me to know that even though I am filled with so much fear this is what I want.
This is what I need.
This feels right and everything I've experienced is true and not just symptoms of depression.
What topped it off was I finally finished my book about the beauty queen who killed herself.
Honestly, I hated the book.
It spoke on a life I couldn't relate too.
This woman was an athlete, a scholar....a lawyer in 2 states....volunteered...modeled....a living barbie doll...a beauty queen... a family who loved and supported her...a roster of men to date and she still couldn't go on.
This woman went to the 29th floor of her luxury 60 floor apartment building and jumped.
I could be wrong but my assumptions tell me that she had the world in her hands but still was so tired that she risked her looks, she risked hurting other's, and she accepted the hurt her family would endure to end her pain,
She was 29.
How did I surpass her having none of that.
So I think she will also give me motivation because that says to me even happy people want to die.
Today is Thursday and I'm still not sure my date yet.
I think once the rest of my things for packing come I'll be more sure.
This surreal fear of pain and failure plagues me but I gotta jump because the idea of just disappearing makes me feel so light.
I'm willing to risk being wrong but it just feels like with death everything will be done.
I'll let go of all my hurt and resentment and beating myself up because it wont matter.
I'll finally and truly let go.
And even if I don't a bright side is no more being a minimum wage slave
Well those are my thoughts for the day.
Love MiMi
I came to vent a bit and to my surprise I see my dear has started the goodbye thread.
Why couldn't we have been together in real life.
So knowledgeable and sweet.
But unfortunately that's not how it turned out.
I wish a peaceful, painless and quick transition.
I hope we meet and will automatically know each other without saying a word.
I was honored to be mentioned in your goodbye.
Honored to have been graced with your presence... even if it was over the web.
You are right... this death thing is scary.
Which brings me to...
Today I got up to see what else I felt like packing.
Trying to ease my mind.
I tend to have many notebooks and I was getting a box to put them in.
I saw one that I don't use much anymore and decided to open it up.
To my surprise it was journal entries.
I didn't date them, but it looks like things were really beginning to unravel in 2022.
I skimmed through the entries and wow.....thats when it began...that's when I was getting more
comfortable with the idea of death and suicide.
As I skimmed the pages I saw the repetition of being grateful and giving thanks and gratitude.
But also ready to be done....just didn't have a way out or the energy to figure it out.
And these entries led all the way up to my 42nd birthday and stopped.
So for me it all makes sense now and I have a timeline of when my decline really took a turn for the worse.
It was comforting to see that I really tried and I was very appreciative of what I had.
But atlas I still failed just like I knew I would.
I say all that to say finding that journal has confirmed for me even more that my circumstances are for me unbearable.
I can't stand the idea of moving back home or to a shelter.
I can't stand the idea of having no money or vehicle.
I can't stand the idea that my credit is even worse than ever and I have on energy to rebuild.
I can't stand working a minimum wage job because in this world that's all I'm worth.
But it really confirmed that even when I was doing well that it wasn't enough to sustain me.
The depression and isolation was too much.
The real me wants to love and be loved and I couldn't get it.
The real me couldn't shake the feeling that I don't belong here and never have.
This is what Ill think of to help get me through.
Help push me to know that even though I am filled with so much fear this is what I want.
This is what I need.
This feels right and everything I've experienced is true and not just symptoms of depression.
What topped it off was I finally finished my book about the beauty queen who killed herself.
Honestly, I hated the book.
It spoke on a life I couldn't relate too.
This woman was an athlete, a scholar....a lawyer in 2 states....volunteered...modeled....a living barbie doll...a beauty queen... a family who loved and supported her...a roster of men to date and she still couldn't go on.
This woman went to the 29th floor of her luxury 60 floor apartment building and jumped.
I could be wrong but my assumptions tell me that she had the world in her hands but still was so tired that she risked her looks, she risked hurting other's, and she accepted the hurt her family would endure to end her pain,
She was 29.
How did I surpass her having none of that.
So I think she will also give me motivation because that says to me even happy people want to die.
Today is Thursday and I'm still not sure my date yet.
I think once the rest of my things for packing come I'll be more sure.
This surreal fear of pain and failure plagues me but I gotta jump because the idea of just disappearing makes me feel so light.
I'm willing to risk being wrong but it just feels like with death everything will be done.
I'll let go of all my hurt and resentment and beating myself up because it wont matter.
I'll finally and truly let go.
And even if I don't a bright side is no more being a minimum wage slave
Well those are my thoughts for the day.
Love MiMi
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