Help The fear of making friends (how do you do that?)

[catastrophix]

I've been trying to make online friends since I don't really have an outlet to make friends IRL. I've met a couple of people so far, and i'd like to potentially make a few more. But lately I've noticed that starting an initial conversation with a new person is extremely scary for me, to the point where I'm afraid to respond for long periods of time. As I get to know the person more, I respond quicker, but the initial period of getting to know each other always gets ruined by my avoidance. I just feel like I'm so annoying when I talk. Idk. I just wish I could talk to people who understand my struggle.

So, if any of you have any advice on making friends, please feel free to share cause I definitely need it :')

 

[FungusButler]

This isn't original advice at all, but it is definitely the best advice I have ever been told on making friends (and interacting with people in general):

Don't try to be interesting, try to be interested. Most people in their day-to-day lives actually very rarely get the opportunity to talk about themselves or the things that they are into, so if you simply allow yourself to be genuinely curious and inquire about the differences between you and others around you, they will generally always like you for it.

Starting initial conversations is always definitely the worst part, though. Remember not to beat yourself up for being bad at it. Almost everyone is, which is why most friendships are created by random chance rather than direct action.

The endless, fascinating complexities of social interaction are a real academic subject, it just sucks that almost none of us are actually presented with any of that stuff growing up, at least in the same way we are taught history or math. Humans have been studying how to talk to each other effectively for thousands of years, but we have a tendency to treat it as "something to learn through trial and error only" when it really doesn't have to be!

 

[froggyboya]

i am also in the same boat with struggling to make friends. if you'd be interested we could maybe try to be friends?

 

[Ambivalent1]

Get a job or go to school. Put yourself in situations that involve others.

 

[BornHated]

Don't try to be interesting, try to be interested. Most people in their day-to-day lives actually very rarely get the opportunity to talk about themselves or the things that they are into, so if you simply allow yourself to be genuinely curious and inquire about the differences between you and others around you, they will generally always like you for it.

I agree with this one. I myself am generally bad at long term friendships because I'm guarded with both my time and personal life after dealing with a lot, and I found a lot of people are too and don't want to be asked. Online I generally talk about myself and then let others contribute any information they want instead of outright asking all the time because this is how my subconscious operates. However, I've found the advice FungusButler is giving is often the more common/normal route.

I think it's important to remember that just like with clothing, there isn't really a one-size-fits all sort of personality. Some people are really guarded and just want to keep topic about what you guys may have in common, usually these sorts will stick to the group chat context while not discussing personal life as much, others are searching for longer term friends who they hope they can grow close to. For me it usually starts on just the hobby/work/etc factor you have in common and then progresses from there.
Not everyone is going to be your close friend and that's ok, that's actually part of what makes society so functional. It does take some time of trying around and foraging about. It's also common for friendships to fizzle out, whether in a year or two or after even a decade- We can grow out of people the same way we grow out of clothes.

 

[mafuyu]

Find something you have in common. Makes everything much easier.

 

[thx1138]

Following because I have 0 friends and don't understand how friendships work.

 

[lonelyy]

I've been trying to make online friends since I don't really have an outlet to make friends IRL. I've met a couple of people so far, and I'd like to potentially make a few more. But lately I've noticed that starting an initial conversation with a new person is extremely scary for me, to the point where I'm afraid to respond for long periods of time. As I get to know the person more, I respond quicker, but the initial period of getting to know each other always gets ruined by my avoidance. I just feel like I'm so annoying when I talk. Idk. I just wish I could talk to people who understand my struggle.

So, if any of you have any advice on making friends, please feel free to share cause I definitely need it :')

When trying to get online friends I'd recommend joining a casual, small scale discord server where a similar interest is shared. That can make it easier to just communicate when its something you understand and enjoy and can easily join in the conversation or leave when you want. This lets it be at your own pace and could help. As for the confidence issue pretty much everyone has got that, almost sadly the only way to improve is to communicate with people and trust in yourself. If you enjoy gaming a multiplayer game where you can talk with others can lead from you and someone partnering up for a mission or something then leading to a friendship. In my case I've found getting to talk to people online helps with the nerve and fear of doing it irl so it can build up to giving you the confidence for starting a conversation with someone.

Hope this helps

 

[iLikeFrogs]

I'm unfortunately in the same situation. I put myself in situations where are other people who I'll have to work with like school, swimming with a group, after-classes clubs etc.
Meeting people who have similar interests a me helped me a lot to make small talk and overcome my fear of meeting people a bit.

 

[GachiBoy]

People here gave some good advices, mine would be shitty but I trully think it's the key to all social interactions, stop overthinking and start not caring. When you catch yourself thinking that you are annoying or tiresome or weird you stop, asses the situation, and continue. Cuz most of the time it's in your head and even if it's not, well so what? Everyone can be little annoying at times, it's not a mortal sin and you shouldn't feel too guilty about it

 

[empty sighs]

I guess you say you feel annoying when you talk. And that you're shy as you get to know people, which maybe makes you seem distant. I'd say try to build up your self esteem… If people don't seem to stick as your friends, it might be because as you said, you are not frequently talking to them because of a fear of rejection. You seem fine to me in your post at least. Just try to love yourself and look at yourself from an outside perspective. You have value and worth, and the sooner you start to see that the better your life will become, but I know "seeing your own value and worth" is easier said than done. One thing I do is I try to come up with 3 things I'm grateful for each day… I think naturally you'll start noticing your own value, as you notice it in the people around you.