Venting the family dilemma

[souljah222]

so i basically gave up life a few years ago already but what gives me the most anxiety is that im kind of not allowed to ctb bc of my family. its not only my mother and sister but also grandparents, uncles and aunts. i would be the biggest asshole in the world if i did this to them but on the other hand losing me rn might be better than seeing me falling deeper and failing in life more and more. im 22 rn and i have a chronic problem talking about my problems with people irl, especially family, they basically know nothing about me being depressed even tho they might be thinking that i am bc of the way i was acting the past few years, but i cant tell them anything besides "im fine" when they ask me. is it really better for them to see me die slow and become more of an isolated, weird loser in life than losing me rn while i could maintain to appear somewhat like a normal person in their heads? do they really want to see that? it gives me anxiety to think about having to do this shit for another like 50 years. anyone else feel like theyre in a situation like this? not only that ctb would hurt loved ones but staying alive and getting worse would do the same just slower. i just want to be free

 

[Makko]

is it really better for them to see me die slow and become more of an isolated, weird loser in life

Yes, it really is better for them. While you're alive and failing, in their heads they can always blame you for the failures. It doesn't disturb their own peace of mind. If you kill yourself things become more complicated and that will cause distress. That's why you see all these stories about families casually abusing and ruining some kid, and nobody (except the kid perhaps) thinks there's a problem, but once the kid commits suicide there's suddenly an extremely obvious problem and that makes people uncomfortable.

 

[souljah222]

Yes, it really is better for them. While you're alive and failing, in their heads they can always blame you for the failures. It doesn't disturb their own peace of mind.

damn i never thought about it in this way

 

[hʚll]

i'm kinda the same. i'm a failure in life, so in a way i'm already hurting them. i think me being alive or dead will hurt them either way. the best scenario would have been never being born, so that i wouldn't be here, suffering or causing them to suffer, with all these moral dilemmas. i support your choice to exit this hell if this is what you wish. i think it is your right to stop your suffering. and your family will be hurt yeah. but i don't think is right that you ignore your pain so that they can have you next to them for the next 60 years. is nice that you think about them, but what about you and your pain? you never chose to be here. i would go on saying some other antinatalist thing like that the moment they chose to have you they should have expected anything to happen, your suicide included. but yeah, i think you get what i mean.

nice name btw (:

 

[FuneralCry]

I think for me, family members would do everything to try and keep me alive no matter what. Taking our own lives does cause pain to others, but I would always put myself first. I would never suffer for the sake of others. It isn't like we asked to be born and I see the right to die as important. I wish you well.