I ask myself whether being a frequent longterm member on this forum has changed me. And if yes whether for better or worse. I am pretty pretty sure it increased my life quality overall. I created my account when I was in a very dark place. My therapists have given up on me 1 year prior to. I felt so alientated from my environment. I felt so fucking lonely and experienced severe existential loneliness. This forum gives me a purpose and meaning. I feel connected to other people. Sometimes the suffering is overwhelming and I learned to follow some rules not to get affected too much. I noticed spending the whole day in this forum is not good for my mental health. Furthermore I don't want to build close friendships due to the nature of this forum.
I have interacted with many people who ctb. Also with SN the method that I will choose for my suicide. I felt like a fraud for a pretty long time because I am a longterm member that never attempted. (Maybe some of my actions could be counted as attempt that is questionable). There were some people I really felt a connection to. And they ctb. I knew about their horrible situations. And most of them were suicidal for a very long time, determined and they chose this end for themselves. Of course the other choices were abysmal too. I can relate a lot to my own situation. Recently I have entered a new stage in my suicidality due to the fact I ordered SN. It feels more real since. I have the feeling I might not live much longer. I really cannot imagine living for another decade. I am suicidal for over a decade now. I don't have the feeling I have still in me to cope with all this pain. I will simply reach my limit. Maybe this year is the last one on this earth I am not sure. Impulsivity could kill me.
Sometimes I feel like a faker. And I have the feeling that I have to prove I am not only talking about suicide. But also that I will do it. I think such a mindset is unhealthy. It is a false stereotype that people who talk about suicide would not do it. I have read a lot of literature about suicide. And I often compared myself with what the literature says. I can remember when I stood at that 7th floor balcony and looked down. I was aware that antidepressants can increase suicidality when people start taking them before the uplift of the mood takes place. Exactly that happened. I am analytical. But most of my analyses end with there is no escape of suicide for me. There are many factors that make my suicide (very) likely. At the same I am too deterministic about my future. Nothing is fully predictable.
I see how much my friends worry about me. And that makes me sad. I will have to do this to them if I reach my limit. That's unfair. But all the abuse and bullying that I had to endure was unfair too. The fact that the members of this forum are real people who really end their lives...these are not NPCs. All of them, all of us have a story. Many of us have to endure insane torment that brings them to do this. It is heartbreaking for me. But not choosing suicide can mean hell too. I know that I am in a living hell for way too long.
This makes this website so increadibly sad. But looking away from all of that would be hypocritical too. This is what politicians do if they block liberal assisted suicide laws like in Germany. These people are the real cowards. They are the reason why people have to jump in front of trains. In a humanistic world there would be no need for suicide forums. And if there were reasonable laws I would also not support it. But the current laws are insane and cynical towards extremely desperate people. The society and the powerful who let that happen disgust me.
So many people I interacted with have committed suicide. I think there will come the time when I will join them. And I think this is the only notion with which I can stomach this fact. I have the feeling I am too deep into it in order to turn my back now. I was suicidal a very long time before I found this website. I doubt that this forum accelerated my journey. Sometimes I have a guilty conscience because I am mostly in the off-topic section. While so many people are on the edge of suicide. But browsing this forum helps to cope with my persisting longterm suicidality. And as long as it helps and not damages others it cannot be that bad. I tried to contribute to recovery a lot despite the fact I am not an optimistic person. However recently I just cannot bring myself to post more on recovery. I feel like like dying often. It is feels hypocritical to post there if I want to die so hard. I think the people I interact with would hope for the best in my case. Many of them told me that. They told me they hope my life will have an happy end because they knew I don't genuinely want to die.
This community has given me so much. I will try my best not to disappoint them. It is so telling. In my self-help group they prohibited me to speak about suicide recently. The one bipolar girl I text with does not want to text about suicide. These people are denying the reality. People are dying. People are committing suicide every single day. And they look away from it. We here on this website look in the eyes of this cruel reality. My life feels like a sick, cynical joke. Someone else posted a thread with this title and it fits so damn well.
I have interacted with many people who ctb. Also with SN the method that I will choose for my suicide. I felt like a fraud for a pretty long time because I am a longterm member that never attempted. (Maybe some of my actions could be counted as attempt that is questionable). There were some people I really felt a connection to. And they ctb. I knew about their horrible situations. And most of them were suicidal for a very long time, determined and they chose this end for themselves. Of course the other choices were abysmal too. I can relate a lot to my own situation. Recently I have entered a new stage in my suicidality due to the fact I ordered SN. It feels more real since. I have the feeling I might not live much longer. I really cannot imagine living for another decade. I am suicidal for over a decade now. I don't have the feeling I have still in me to cope with all this pain. I will simply reach my limit. Maybe this year is the last one on this earth I am not sure. Impulsivity could kill me.
Sometimes I feel like a faker. And I have the feeling that I have to prove I am not only talking about suicide. But also that I will do it. I think such a mindset is unhealthy. It is a false stereotype that people who talk about suicide would not do it. I have read a lot of literature about suicide. And I often compared myself with what the literature says. I can remember when I stood at that 7th floor balcony and looked down. I was aware that antidepressants can increase suicidality when people start taking them before the uplift of the mood takes place. Exactly that happened. I am analytical. But most of my analyses end with there is no escape of suicide for me. There are many factors that make my suicide (very) likely. At the same I am too deterministic about my future. Nothing is fully predictable.
I see how much my friends worry about me. And that makes me sad. I will have to do this to them if I reach my limit. That's unfair. But all the abuse and bullying that I had to endure was unfair too. The fact that the members of this forum are real people who really end their lives...these are not NPCs. All of them, all of us have a story. Many of us have to endure insane torment that brings them to do this. It is heartbreaking for me. But not choosing suicide can mean hell too. I know that I am in a living hell for way too long.
This makes this website so increadibly sad. But looking away from all of that would be hypocritical too. This is what politicians do if they block liberal assisted suicide laws like in Germany. These people are the real cowards. They are the reason why people have to jump in front of trains. In a humanistic world there would be no need for suicide forums. And if there were reasonable laws I would also not support it. But the current laws are insane and cynical towards extremely desperate people. The society and the powerful who let that happen disgust me.
So many people I interacted with have committed suicide. I think there will come the time when I will join them. And I think this is the only notion with which I can stomach this fact. I have the feeling I am too deep into it in order to turn my back now. I was suicidal a very long time before I found this website. I doubt that this forum accelerated my journey. Sometimes I have a guilty conscience because I am mostly in the off-topic section. While so many people are on the edge of suicide. But browsing this forum helps to cope with my persisting longterm suicidality. And as long as it helps and not damages others it cannot be that bad. I tried to contribute to recovery a lot despite the fact I am not an optimistic person. However recently I just cannot bring myself to post more on recovery. I feel like like dying often. It is feels hypocritical to post there if I want to die so hard. I think the people I interact with would hope for the best in my case. Many of them told me that. They told me they hope my life will have an happy end because they knew I don't genuinely want to die.
This community has given me so much. I will try my best not to disappoint them. It is so telling. In my self-help group they prohibited me to speak about suicide recently. The one bipolar girl I text with does not want to text about suicide. These people are denying the reality. People are dying. People are committing suicide every single day. And they look away from it. We here on this website look in the eyes of this cruel reality. My life feels like a sick, cynical joke. Someone else posted a thread with this title and it fits so damn well.
