The fact that I still can't find the courage to end it just proves what a loser I am

[BittersweetSymphony]

I had so many advantages going for me. I've squandered them all.

I ignore those who build me up. I embrace those who tear me down.

It doesn't matter where I'm at or who I'm with. It doesn't matter how well I'm doing or how much I'm fucking up. I'll find a way to make it into misery, regardless.

I wish this was a suicide note. I pray every day this will be a suicide note. But it's not. It'll never be. It's just going to be some more sorry, overly confessional bullshit that I will wake up and read tomorrow when I'm sober and regret sharing.

I'm still here. Why? I don't know. I'm the weakest, most pathetic person I've ever known. And every day I read about good people who love life who die way too soon. I would give anything to trade places with them. If there is a just god in heaven, please hear me. Take my life, because I'm too much of a coward to take it myself. Take it and give it to one of those tragedies, let them live again. Let them wake up tomorrow, joyful and eager to embrace whatever life has in store. And let me rest, so blissfully content with the knowledge that I never have to spend another pointless fucking day in the office, never have to fake another smile and pretend I'm something I'm not. That would be a miracle for me.

That won't happen. There is no god. There are no miracles. There is no reason to rejoice. This sad, pathetic, less-than-nothing worm of a coward is all that is, all that will ever be.

God prove me wrong.

 

[8AEM]

SI is strong. Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

[Julgran]

You have made it this far - meaning that you fought on in your life, and you have become a member of this community - that's enough for now. The decision to end your life will always be there for you when you need it.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I know how that feels. I've had my precious (new name for it, since I can't go into detail about methods) for over a year now and have wanted to use it numerous time since I got it. I haven't used it obviously, but the reason is just fear. Fear of doing it wrong; fear of hurting other people; fear of discovering that death isn't really the end. Too many fears, so like you, I'm still here slaving away at a job I've grown sick of just like I have with most other things in life.

It would definitely be a miracle if we could trade our lives for people that want to live more than us. If life worked that way, I would have traded my life for someone else a long time ago.

 

[summers]

@BittersweetSymphony Forcing suicide when you're not ready doesn't prove you're brave or tough.

I'm still here slaving away at a job I've grown sick of just like I have with most other things in life.

Not that it fixes everything, but given the current environment, it's the perfect time to do some career exploration, be it a new company or field altogether. I'm currently looking, and have the luxury of being super-selective - I've turned down several good offers for various reasons.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide is very difficult after all. All humans are programmed to survive and the survival instinct is determined to keep us suffering. The fact that you are still here does not mean you are pathetic. I am held back by the lack of peaceful and reliable exit and the fear of failure. If it was easier to leave I would already be gone.

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I know it is a dreadful feeling when things just get worse. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore. I would also trade places with someone who loved life who died as I have never wanted to be alive. More than anything I also wish I was free from this world. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I could have written this. Good lord, OP, are we the same person?

 

[TooConscious]

The people who usually call themselves down like 'coward' etc, tend to actually be thr brave ones. Because you must have some sort of conscience to generally make the best of things where as there's plenty of scumbags out there who did squander everything, they still blame others and use as an excuse to continue causing suffering to others and crying to people who never had the opportunities. I don't think you'd be calling yourself if this was genuinely you. It's more likely you've been made to feel this way by others who betrayed your trust with out you yet seeing it.

 

[Snake of Eden]

Nobody is a loser for not ending their life. In most cases, suicide is a necessary lesser of two evils. There is no universal obligation to commit to it