the end must be near

[horrorofBeing]

I feel like I'm getting closer to actually going through with it. I don't want to, but something comes over me. I can actually say that I don't want to. But it feels like something wants me to. I get the sensation that people around me want me to. I don't know what to say here but I feel compelled to say something, and this is the only place to do so. I was fired by my therapist, I'm not completely sure why. She wanted me to take meds but as always it's not really clear what they actually think. Therapists play mind games. (I was never going to take the meds whatever she actually wanted.) It's really bad because this was the only therapist I ever actually had a relationship with. It was so difficult and took so long getting to that spot you need to be. I don't want to say anything that's going to influence what other people think about their own situations, but it seems to me in this case that she kept me strung along until she had enough clients to get rid of me. I say this because I asked multiple times to reduce my session amount, to which she always replied that I needed to stay at the amount I was at. Then, when I didn't like the psychiatrist she wanted to pawn me off on, she pulled the rug out from under me. I can't stand this sensation that everyone I know, everyone around me, family, "friends," colleagues, strangers, are all talking about me behind my back. I can't fucking stand it. Something bad is going to happen soon. Not to them of course, but to me. I am going to be forced to take myself out. I have really bad rage issues and I can't find any help for it that isn't loaded with propaganda. I just want to move on with my life and excel in my career but it continues to rear its head. It's like a praying mantis, they turn their head and reality shifts. It wasn't grass, it wasn't foliage, it was a psychotic little bug; same thing with the human world: it wasn't some innocent situation; you were being watched, discussed, and ridiculed by someone you thought you could trust. And now you can't trust anyone. I have been an adult for many, many years now, more than half my life. But that horrific feeling that no one gives a fuck about me, that actually people just use me and laugh at me, it is a feeling that haunts me and threatens my mental well-being. My own fucking therapist apparently was "not comfortable" with me, according to the psychiatrist/poorly trained therapist she tried to pawn me off on. To be shit talked and then fired by your therapist -- this world has taken a fucking turn. I tried to get another therapist by reaching out to a resource, and the lady who took my intake laughed at me while I was crying because of what had happened. Maybe she wanted to lift my spirits by laughing at the sort of absurdity of the suffering, but I don't care what she meant by it. It's just sheer cruelty. And I'm just some idiot with mental health problems. What if I was actually suffering? People wonder why no one wants to breed and those who haven't yet are all considering suicide. I wonder why people don't. Life is fucking hell. I don't fucking care if some dumb bitch thinks I am "privileged" because I am suffering; that nonsense assessment does nothing to assuage my horror at human life. It only makes me feel more and more that this world has no place for me.

 

[Slark]

Do you have depression? anxiety? Have you tried any medication?

 

[Lyn]

I feel like I'm getting closer to actually going through with it. I don't want to, but something comes over me. I can actually say that I don't want to. But it feels like something wants me to. I get the sensation that people around me want me to. I don't know what to say here but I feel compelled to say something, and this is the only place to do so. I was fired by my therapist, I'm not completely sure why. She wanted me to take meds but as always it's not really clear what they actually think. Therapists play mind games. (I was never going to take the meds whatever she actually wanted.) It's really bad because this was the only therapist I ever actually had a relationship with. It was so difficult and took so long getting to that spot you need to be. I don't want to say anything that's going to influence what other people think about their own situations, but it seems to me in this case that she kept me strung along until she had enough clients to get rid of me. I say this because I asked multiple times to reduce my session amount, to which she always replied that I needed to stay at the amount I was at. Then, when I didn't like the psychiatrist she wanted to pawn me off on, she pulled the rug out from under me. I can't stand this sensation that everyone I know, everyone around me, family, "friends," colleagues, strangers, are all talking about me behind my back. I can't fucking stand it. Something bad is going to happen soon. Not to them of course, but to me. I am going to be forced to take myself out. I have really bad rage issues and I can't find any help for it that isn't loaded with propaganda. I just want to move on with my life and excel in my career but it continues to rear its head. It's like a praying mantis, they turn their head and reality shifts. It wasn't grass, it wasn't foliage, it was a psychotic little bug; same thing with the human world: it wasn't some innocent situation; you were being watched, discussed, and ridiculed by someone you thought you could trust. And now you can't trust anyone. I have been an adult for many, many years now, more than half my life. But that horrific feeling that no one gives a fuck about me, that actually people just use me and laugh at me, it is a feeling that haunts me and threatens my mental well-being. My own fucking therapist apparently was "not comfortable" with me, according to the psychiatrist/poorly trained therapist she tried to pawn me off on. To be shit talked and then fired by your therapist -- this world has taken a fucking turn. I tried to get another therapist by reaching out to a resource, and the lady who took my intake laughed at me while I was crying because of what had happened. Maybe she wanted to lift my spirits by laughing at the sort of absurdity of the suffering, but I don't care what she meant by it. It's just sheer cruelty. And I'm just some idiot with mental health problems. What if I was actually suffering? People wonder why no one wants to breed and those who haven't yet are all considering suicide. I wonder why people don't. Life is fucking hell. I don't fucking care if some dumb bitch thinks I am "privileged" because I am suffering; that nonsense assessment does nothing to assuage my horror at human life. It only makes me feel more and more that this world has no place for me.

That's absolutely horrible. No one should be treated like that, especially when they're already struggling and trying to get help.
The way your therapist ended things and how that intake worker behaved is inexcusable. It's not just unprofessional or incompetent... it's simply dehumanizing.
You're right to feel betrayed.
The mental health system is supposed to support people, not make them feel discarded and ridiculed.

I'm really sorry you went through that. Unfortunately I do understand these feelings too well.
You're not alone in feeling like the system is broken. Because it really is. And it fails far too many people who need real care.

Sending you a hug and hope you'll be able to find a real therapist who actually cares. They are rare, but they do exist.

 

[horrorofBeing]

Do you have depression? anxiety? Have you tried any medication?

I have been prescribed loads of prescription psychotropics in the past, and man they really wear you down. It is also tough because people have such hatred for mental health that if they (family, friends) have even the slightest inkling that you're "taking pills" then they become so hostile. This is my experience, and I shouldn't generalize, but it was an overwhelming experience for me. I can't say whether the medication truly helped or not. I really don't even know. I certainly wanted it to, and I, perhaps naively (I was very young at the time), bought into it as a necessity for my health. But now? I need my brain to function, you know? I don't know, maybe the horror is necessary for me to do my work and be myself. I really don't know if there is any solution. I would probably be dead in a different world. I will absolutely die one day anyway.

That's absolutely horrible. No one should be treated like that, especially when they're already struggling and trying to get help.
The way your therapist ended things and how that intake worker behaved is inexcusable. It's not just unprofessional or incompetent... it's simply dehumanizing.
You're right to feel betrayed.
The mental health system is supposed to support people, not make them feel discarded and ridiculed.

I'm really sorry you went through that. Unfortunately I do understand these feelings too well.
You're not alone in feeling like the system is broken. Because it really is. And it fails far too many people who need real care.

Sending you a hug and hope you'll be able to find a real therapist who actually cares. They are rare, but they do exist.

I don't deserve your kind words, but I appreciate it. Sometimes I wish I was just paranoid, since so many people want to talk me out of my feelings about human interactions. But I don't think I'm wrong. I know when I've been treated wrongly. I am no saint myself. I can recall horrible moments throughout my life where I was not a good person at all. So I'm not righteous or a good person or anything, I'm just a shitty human, but I feel the way a person should feel when I am deeply disrespected.

 

[Lyn]

I don't deserve your kind words, but I appreciate it. Sometimes I wish I was just paranoid, since so many people want to talk me out of my feelings about human interactions. But I don't think I'm wrong. I know when I've been treated wrongly. I am no saint myself. I can recall horrible moments throughout my life where I was not a good person at all. So I'm not righteous or a good person or anything, I'm just a shitty human, but I feel the way a person should feel when I am deeply disrespected.

I definitely had moments when I second-guessed myself, wondering if I was just being paranoid or reading too much into things, especially with people trying to reassure me like "it's nothing" or that "no one meant any harm".
But honestly, sometimes people really are just shitty.
And when you're treated like crap, especially when you're already struggling...
You don't have to be a saint to know that something's wrong. You felt disrespected because all signs point to the fact that you were. And that's just cruel. I'm sorry.
It's just... so messed up that this is the world we have to live in.