The end game in sight

[cambrai33]

I never really knew how or why things would end but I see that place now and will ctb in the next few weeks once all preparations have been completed.

I have been getting counselling and listening sessions with a charity but ultimately my idealation is now set on the finality of leaving. What's kept me going has been the help in the hope that my mood could be turned into a different direction but it's not worked. I've spent my time trying to push people away from my fate but they don't know why I've been behaving like this and I hate doing it but it's me trying to protect them or lessen the impact.

The reason I am posting this is it's the only place I can write or tell what my head is telling me I must do, so I thank you for being here.

Finally, if you haven't talked to someone or tried to get help then please give it a try, I don't want anyone else to be me if there is a chance that they can survive.

I feel for everyone here and hope in my heart that you get to to live if that's what is right for you, to those that have left us I will see you soon my friends

 

[dogboy]

I believe that it is your sovereign right to make this choice; and I've surely been where you are now. Quite a bit lately. The kind of depression that is physically painful. People kill themselves because they are in unbearable pain; those who haven't struggled with this can't possibly understand. And still: I'm going to urge you to stay. If you possibly can. You know that you have "permission" to leave if things get too bad. But that's a choice you can only make once. I feel for you, Friend.

 

[cambrai33]

Thank you @dogboy

It fills me with tears sorting things out to leave to loved ones, going through old photos and remembering times passed. Insomnia has crept back in and it's put me on this path

I have reached out, been to hospital, got counselling and taken everything offered to me but it seems none of that was able to stop this destiny (it's a stupid way to describe it) that is now feeling very real

I hope the best for you too friend

 

[D&D]

As @dogboy said - while it is your right to make this choice, I too would urge you to stay if possibly you can.

There is something deeply said and beautiful in the words you wrote.

I wish you peace.

 

[cambrai33]

Thank you @D&D

Its always so hard to put into words how the mind is acting things out. Since coming here I have developed such a love and empathy for people in this situation as I feel it myself.

I will keep trying, I am loved by many but just not by myself anymore

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that things are so hopeless, you seem like such a caring person. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[dogboy]

Hey Yo yo yo cambria33! I've been thinkning about you. At risk of sounding self-important or sanctimonious, I have been praying for you. I want to explain what I mean by prayer, personally: Inside of you, in your heart center, there's a spark...that same spark exists in every sentient being. You were gifted--- and yes sometimes it feels cursed, I get it--- but you were gifted at your inception, at The Beginning of Everything, with that spark. It is not your name your birth date your gender your race what your mother's mean sister or some religion said about you, nor anything that you have experienced. That tiny fire/spark is the truth of who you are. It is immortal. If you leave the physical form, you carry that apsrk with you. There are lessons for each of us and these follow us too, I believe this. Some call it Karma. But karma is not punnishment----There is no punishment. Only learning. So, when I "pray" for you or anyone, I first connect to that spark in myself. Because we're all of the same source, Friend. And then from that place of connection I reach to that brother/sister spark in you--- or whomever. Lately I just do a big prayer for all who are experiencing sufferinng or fear in any form, which pretty much means everyone save the oblivious. So lying awake and feeling lonely and isolated at dark-thirty, I reach from my heart to all of those whom I have ever known or may never meet... try this. I have no 'religion' btw. That said, you're supposed to be here cambria33, or you wouldn't still be
A favorite poem:

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott
(i'm sory that i misspelled your name cambrai)

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

Thank you @dogboy

It fills me with tears sorting things out to leave to loved ones, going through old photos and remembering times passed. Insomnia has crept back in and it's put me on this path

I have reached out, been to hospital, got counselling and taken everything offered to me but it seems none of that was able to stop this destiny (it's a stupid way to describe it) that is now feeling very real

I hope the best for you too friend

I have done exactly the same thing, seen countless psychiatrists, multiple hospitalisations, take all my meds at the right times (6 different times a day), been completely open and honest with my medical team, seen two psychologists at the same time as one hospital requested this, done different forms of therapy, done everything asked of me to try and get my registration back for work. And nothing has helped. I have given it everything I have to try to recover. Now I have 0 hope I ever will recover and so have my plans in place with just the time to be decided. Won't tell my team until dad is back as I know they will want to hospitalise me again. But I will tell them. I just won't tell them the what the plan actually is. I am lucky in that I FINALLY have an awesome team. But still nothing has changed and so this will be their last chance.

 

[cambrai33]

Hey Yo yo yo cambria33! I've been thinkning about you. At risk of sounding self-important or sanctimonious, I have been praying for you. I want to explain what I mean by prayer, personally: Inside of you, in your heart center, there's a spark...that same spark exists in every sentient being. You were gifted--- and yes sometimes it feels cursed, I get it--- but you were gifted at your inception, at The Beginning of Everything, with that spark. It is not your name your birth date your gender your race what your mother's mean sister or some religion said about you, nor anything that you have experienced. That tiny fire/spark is the truth of who you are. It is immortal. If you leave the physical form, you carry that apsrk with you. There are lessons for each of us and these follow us too, I believe this. Some call it Karma. But karma is not punnishment----There is no punishment. Only learning. So, when I "pray" for you or anyone, I first connect to that spark in myself. Because we're all of the same source, Friend. And then from that place of connection I reach to that brother/sister spark in you--- or whomever. Lately I just do a big prayer for all who are experiencing sufferinng or fear in any form, which pretty much means everyone save the oblivious. So lying awake and feeling lonely and isolated at dark-thirty, I reach from my heart to all of those whom I have ever known or may never meet... try this. I have no 'religion' btw. That said, you're supposed to be here cambria33, or you wouldn't still be
A favorite poem:

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott
(i'm sory that i misspelled your name cambrai)

Hey @dogboy

Thanks so much for thinking of me and writing all those thoughtful words

I do hope my spark transcends my mortal self and I hope it lives within others after I have left, when they see the darkness of my absence I hope that spark will light the way forward for them.

The days are really reflective as I am removing all traces of myself, I hope others remember the times I made them smile. I feel sad I won't ever hold my grandchildren but I hope that they keep a little memory of me alive somewhere, not to dwell but just smile at some of the memories

Thank you again

I have done exactly the same thing, seen countless psychiatrists, multiple hospitalisations, take all my meds at the right times (6 different times a day), been completely open and honest with my medical team, seen two psychologists at the same time as one hospital requested this, done different forms of therapy, done everything asked of me to try and get my registration back for work. And nothing has helped. I have given it everything I have to try to recover. Now I have 0 hope I ever will recover and so have my plans in place with just the time to be decided. Won't tell my team until dad is back as I know they will want to hospitalise me again. But I will tell them. I just won't tell them the what the plan actually is. I am lucky in that I FINALLY have an awesome team. But still nothing has changed and so this will be their last chance.

I have another appointment in the morning, I see alternative therapies each week, with one I have to mask my idealation but with the other I can tell them anything as they have a no intervention policy, which is handy.

Been going through old photos so they can go to the people that might like them. Sometimes old gifts are hard, do I give them back to them or dispose of them? It's difficult but good to go through all the things I've accumulated.

Days to go destroying hard drives, phones etc and then just the minimum until the time comes, single candle on a black background for any profiles I have will be a confirmation

Im not nervous but I have to succeed so I have a 2 method solution in mind

Hope you are keeping as well as you can be