Lost.Empyrean
°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟·｡
- Sep 6, 2025
- 41
summer of 2021, I was 17 years old and my dad coerced (?) me into sex. I know how that sounds and that a lot of you are probably thinking I was too old for it to actually matter and you think the fact that i'm even whining about it probably sounds like complete bullshit. As much as I want to spare the details, a lot of them are quite literally vital in having somewhat of an understanding about what happened so i'll try to keep it short so that you can get somewhat of an idea of the situation I was in. I'm also aware that some of you will also read this and likely get off to it, as i'm not stupid and I know how the internet works but I think i've somewhat made my peace with that. I TOO JACK OFF ABOUT IT, YOU ARENT SPECIAL
For some general background info, I was homeschooled and I come from an incredibly strict and controlling family. I had little to no privacy or boundaries with them in my teen years. I didn't have a phone until I turned 18, but I did get a laptop for schoolwork when I was around 15 so I guess that counts for something. I would describe myself as developmentally delayed (or just retarded, as a lot of people in my life like to put it). I am transgender (ftm) and I am the eldest of 3 kids. one comes from my mothers ex husband, the other from my biological father. Me and my sisters have a very wide age gap, one being 12 years apart and the other being 17 years apart. My mom is literally just a hoe dressed up with a bible. Except I respect a real hoe more because at least they get paid, some of the men she chooses are quite literally bums (including my dad) so she just does it for the love of the game atp. Not that it's even my place to speak anymore considering the fact that I fucked my dad. Anyways
(and I do mean that in the most literal way possible, my dad has been couch surfing and financially abusing whoever lets him stay his entire adult life. larps as "punk" too, oh the irony.)
I had only met him a year prior to shit hitting the fan, in 2020. I was 16 and My mom had just gotten a divorce with her now ex-husband and had ran back to my biological father only to get pregnant (again).
By January of 2021 we had all moved in together and shortly after my mother had given birth, in the summer of that year, I had gotten grounded. For what, I don't remember but I wasn't allowed to eat/drink, go to the bathroom, or leave my room at all without permission. On top of that, I was being screamed at nearly every day. It was like this for almost an entire year. Long story short, almost immediately after my mom had started going back to work after giving birth, dad started touching up on me. The fact that I am a tranny certainly did not help, I think he perceived it as dyke breaking². He used to fetishize it all the time. not that it matters.
At first I resisted, but eventually he got super angry and violent so I gave in. In the beginning there was a safe word/phrase, but it almost always involved racial slurs (I am of Swedish descent, whitest bitch on the planet) and I had to scream it loudly for him to stop. He kept changing it too, so I would often get confused and yell the wrong thing, and he would just straight up ignore that. If he did stop, it wasn't for long. eventually I quit trying to remember at all and just took it.
He gave me food and water after each time, let me go to the bathroom. and if I pissed him off by refusing or being too loud or just not doing well enough I simply just wasn't getting to eat that day.
If I wasn't getting railed I was spending all day every day staring at a wall, balls deep in psychosis thinking I was being punished by god and trying to find ways to kill myself.
the situation itself stayed the same but outside circumstances throughout the years changed, we ended up moving two times (the last being January of 2024) and he couldn't move in with us, so he would stop by every other week and mom would go fuck off to a motel with her new boyfriend at the time.
This "relationship" continued until march 27th, 2024. Prior to that day, Over the course of a few months after us moving He had grown even more controlling when he was over and started to get super angry and violent regardless of whether or not I complied or tried to seem eager. I finally told my mom, and she took me to get my rape kit done. she ended up pressuring me into legal action, I think she saw it as an opportunity to get full custody of my little sister. She didn't seem to care all that much about what had actually happened, but I can't exactly blame her. I had grown somewhat indifferent to it myself, although talking about it at all was new.
along with the general kit they took a lot of my clothes, some of which were covered in blood and vaginal fluids. they took samples off the couch. I talked to a detective. the whole shebang. A few months later they suddenly have a DNA warrant. cool, great.
fast forward to January of this year, not only did I run into him on the bus but they still couldn't fucking find him, and they even called just to tell me that they ONLY bothered to test the couch sample out of everything they took, and were going to talk to the district attorney to ask if i'm "worth" testing the rest of it. Spoiler alert, I got a call from them yesterday morning, and no. Evidently I am not, and they're just gonna give him a phone call about it for some reason as if that's gonna do something.
I feel so beyond stupid for even trying to report it at all since everyone is deciding to just be fucking useless. I already knew to an extent that reporting it was a bad idea and that at most he probably wouldn't even get that much time in jail if he was held responsible but I wanted to help mom and I just assumed it was what you're supposed to do. Now that I have been officially failed, I don't even know how to function in my daily life between this and listening to how everyone is talking about the Epstein shit right now. Part of me doesn't care about anything anymore and the other part is genuinely starting to consider ctb, which sucks because I was just beginning to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I don't know how to take care of my mental health right now because it seems like a genuinely impossible task, There is no escape. I've been sucking it up (haha) for so long, and I have been barely holding it together in general these last few weeks but I think what I was told yesterday is actually starting to break me and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know that there's anything I CAN do other than ctb.
I can't be online because all the Epstein shit is a reminder and it is absolutely everywhere
I can't be offline because I have very few other outlets
I can't handle being around family right now
but I have to because some of them will outright harass me if I don't bend to their will
I can't go outside because what if I run into him again or one of his friends
I can't stay inside because i'll stop doing anything at all
I can't talk to anyone about it because there is no way to talk without causing problems
but if I continue to stay silent people will assume everything and won't understand me
I can't eat because i'll feel out of control and guilty and it'll remind me of him
I can't starve because then i'll lose muscle, and how will I protect myself then
what the fuck can I do. what is even the point of any of this anymore. i'm so tired.
i'll probably regret posting this but fuck it, we ball
For some general background info, I was homeschooled and I come from an incredibly strict and controlling family. I had little to no privacy or boundaries with them in my teen years. I didn't have a phone until I turned 18, but I did get a laptop for schoolwork when I was around 15 so I guess that counts for something. I would describe myself as developmentally delayed (or just retarded, as a lot of people in my life like to put it). I am transgender (ftm) and I am the eldest of 3 kids. one comes from my mothers ex husband, the other from my biological father. Me and my sisters have a very wide age gap, one being 12 years apart and the other being 17 years apart. My mom is literally just a hoe dressed up with a bible. Except I respect a real hoe more because at least they get paid, some of the men she chooses are quite literally bums (including my dad) so she just does it for the love of the game atp. Not that it's even my place to speak anymore considering the fact that I fucked my dad. Anyways
(and I do mean that in the most literal way possible, my dad has been couch surfing and financially abusing whoever lets him stay his entire adult life. larps as "punk" too, oh the irony.)
I had only met him a year prior to shit hitting the fan, in 2020. I was 16 and My mom had just gotten a divorce with her now ex-husband and had ran back to my biological father only to get pregnant (again).
By January of 2021 we had all moved in together and shortly after my mother had given birth, in the summer of that year, I had gotten grounded. For what, I don't remember but I wasn't allowed to eat/drink, go to the bathroom, or leave my room at all without permission. On top of that, I was being screamed at nearly every day. It was like this for almost an entire year. Long story short, almost immediately after my mom had started going back to work after giving birth, dad started touching up on me. The fact that I am a tranny certainly did not help, I think he perceived it as dyke breaking². He used to fetishize it all the time. not that it matters.
At first I resisted, but eventually he got super angry and violent so I gave in. In the beginning there was a safe word/phrase, but it almost always involved racial slurs (I am of Swedish descent, whitest bitch on the planet) and I had to scream it loudly for him to stop. He kept changing it too, so I would often get confused and yell the wrong thing, and he would just straight up ignore that. If he did stop, it wasn't for long. eventually I quit trying to remember at all and just took it.
He gave me food and water after each time, let me go to the bathroom. and if I pissed him off by refusing or being too loud or just not doing well enough I simply just wasn't getting to eat that day.
If I wasn't getting railed I was spending all day every day staring at a wall, balls deep in psychosis thinking I was being punished by god and trying to find ways to kill myself.
the situation itself stayed the same but outside circumstances throughout the years changed, we ended up moving two times (the last being January of 2024) and he couldn't move in with us, so he would stop by every other week and mom would go fuck off to a motel with her new boyfriend at the time.
This "relationship" continued until march 27th, 2024. Prior to that day, Over the course of a few months after us moving He had grown even more controlling when he was over and started to get super angry and violent regardless of whether or not I complied or tried to seem eager. I finally told my mom, and she took me to get my rape kit done. she ended up pressuring me into legal action, I think she saw it as an opportunity to get full custody of my little sister. She didn't seem to care all that much about what had actually happened, but I can't exactly blame her. I had grown somewhat indifferent to it myself, although talking about it at all was new.
along with the general kit they took a lot of my clothes, some of which were covered in blood and vaginal fluids. they took samples off the couch. I talked to a detective. the whole shebang. A few months later they suddenly have a DNA warrant. cool, great.
fast forward to January of this year, not only did I run into him on the bus but they still couldn't fucking find him, and they even called just to tell me that they ONLY bothered to test the couch sample out of everything they took, and were going to talk to the district attorney to ask if i'm "worth" testing the rest of it. Spoiler alert, I got a call from them yesterday morning, and no. Evidently I am not, and they're just gonna give him a phone call about it for some reason as if that's gonna do something.
I feel so beyond stupid for even trying to report it at all since everyone is deciding to just be fucking useless. I already knew to an extent that reporting it was a bad idea and that at most he probably wouldn't even get that much time in jail if he was held responsible but I wanted to help mom and I just assumed it was what you're supposed to do. Now that I have been officially failed, I don't even know how to function in my daily life between this and listening to how everyone is talking about the Epstein shit right now. Part of me doesn't care about anything anymore and the other part is genuinely starting to consider ctb, which sucks because I was just beginning to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I don't know how to take care of my mental health right now because it seems like a genuinely impossible task, There is no escape. I've been sucking it up (haha) for so long, and I have been barely holding it together in general these last few weeks but I think what I was told yesterday is actually starting to break me and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know that there's anything I CAN do other than ctb.
I can't be online because all the Epstein shit is a reminder and it is absolutely everywhere
I can't be offline because I have very few other outlets
I can't handle being around family right now
but I have to because some of them will outright harass me if I don't bend to their will
I can't go outside because what if I run into him again or one of his friends
I can't stay inside because i'll stop doing anything at all
I can't talk to anyone about it because there is no way to talk without causing problems
but if I continue to stay silent people will assume everything and won't understand me
I can't eat because i'll feel out of control and guilty and it'll remind me of him
I can't starve because then i'll lose muscle, and how will I protect myself then
what the fuck can I do. what is even the point of any of this anymore. i'm so tired.
i'll probably regret posting this but fuck it, we ball
Last edited:
