Story The Darwin Awards

[maniac116]

Beer for Bears
2007 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

​

(19 August 2007, Serbia) It's well known that alcohol impairs judgement. It's well known that carnivorous wild animals and humans don't mix. What happens when we combine all three? One might expect men, beer, and bears to combine with lethal consequences. Such was the case for a 23-year old man who inadvertently fed himself to Masha and Misha at the Belgrade Zoo.


Serbia | It's well known that alcohol impairs judgement. It's well known that carnivorous wild animals and humans don't mix. What happens when we combine all three? One might expect men, beer, and bears to lead to lethal consequences.
Such was the case for a 23-year old man who fed himself to Masha and Misha at the Belgrade Zoo. His untouched clothes suggested that he approached the bears bare-naked by choice. The bears, fearing that his intentions were as dishonorable as they were ill-informed, meted out a quick justice.

The man's mauled corpse was found inside the bear habitat along with plenty of beer cans. Masha and Misha "reacted angrily" when keepers tried to recover the man's corpse, but were eventually persuaded to give up their prize.

The Zoo director said, "Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage."

 

[maniac116]

One Foot In The Pool...

2008 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

​

(24 August 2008, Jakarta, Indonesia) Charles had everything going for him. He had just completed his International Baccalaureate at King William's College in the Isle of Man, and his dreams were ambitious. He planned retire by the age of thirty. The principal of the college posthumously described him as "a very bright boy with a very bright future."
Reader Comment: "Charles was a real live wire!"

Unfortunately for Charles, his elite education omitted an important lesson from the curriculum: Electricity, danger of.
He had one foot in the backyard swimming pool (really) when he noticed a cement box full of electrical wires near the edge of the pool. It was a junction box supplying power to the jacuzzi. Curious, Charles started to fiddle with a fistful of wires, and was immediately rooted to the spot--by 240 volts of electrical current surging through his body.

A bright future and early retirement were, indeed, in his cards.

 

[maniac116]

Race To The Death
2014 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

​

(9 August 2014, New York) For most people the danger of a high speed road is common-sense obvious, and few people will attempt to cross a major highway such as an interstate regardless of what is on the other side. On racetracks the danger is even more obvious: when cars inside a compact oval are moving faster than freeway speeds, common sense shouts in your ear, "Do not walk!"
...And then there is Kevin Ward.

Kevin Ward is a Sprint Car racing driver. Sprint Car racing is one of the most popular forms of racing in the United States. The cars have a very high power-to-weight ratio making speeds in excess of 140 miles per hour possible on some tracks. A Sprint Car race typically takes place on a dirt track in a machine designed to drift around corners, and the traction of the racetrack surface is much less than the traction of an asphalt surface.

Sprint Car drivers are shielded in specially-designed race vehicles that are meant to take a beating so that the occupant can survive. A driver is protected by roll cages, fuel tank bladders to prevent fuel leakage, a six or seven-point safety harness, as well as a mandatory driver suit, full coverage helmet, and Nomex gloves. The importance of staying inside the vehicle until track personnel arrive to protect the crash site is essential knowledge drummed into every race car driver.

...And then there is Kevin Ward.

You don't have to be Captain Obvious to notice that race cars move rapidly, and collisions and spin-outs happen frequently. In Sprint Car races the vehicles drift through corners, meaning those vehicles are moving at the very limit of their traction. It was in this environment that Kevin's vehicle was bumped by another driver, causing it to spin around and knock into the wall. With the damage taken, Kevin's vehicle was out of the race. For most people being knocked out of the race is a time of reflection, and a time of considering what to say at the end of the race when you discuss the collision with the driver who knocked you out.

...And then there is Kevin Ward.

In a rage that defied common sense, he decided to confront the driver who bumped him right there, right then, in the middle of an active track. Not only did he exit his vehicle without consideration for the slippery dirt track, not only did he put out of his mind corner drifting, but also he failed to consider the black color of his uniform and helmet and their near-invisibility on a dimly lit racetrack at night. These are all factors that would instill the fear of death in many drivers after an accident.

...But then there is Kevin Ward.

Even during a yellow flag the race cars move quickly, and Sprint Cars cannot turn or stop on a dime as the track is made of dirt. After climbing out of his vehicle and walking onto the middle of the track, Kevin spotted his target and made many gestures as the driver was coming around the bend. However the offending driver did not see the figure in the dark jumpsuit. His car was behind another race car in single file during the caution lap. The car in front of him dodged Kevin in the nick of time. The next car, the car that knocked Kevin out of the race, attempted to dodge the shadowy figure but it was at that point that Kevin's luck ran out.

In an attempt to swerve, the car slid sideways and the back of the vehicle impacted against Kevin and knocked him flat. He was down and out, a tragic end to the last race of Kevin's life.

Moral of the story? Stay off a busy road. Especially a dirt racetrack. And most especially when you're a Sprint Car professional who knows better.

Kevin A. Ward Jr. - b. 23 May 23 1994, d. 9 August 2014.

 

[maniac116]

Smarter Animals

1999 Darwin Award Winner Unconfirmed by Darwin

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play. Since it happened in a hunting preserve, does the dog get the head mounted on a wall in its doghouse?

(1991, Nicosia, Cyprus) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

 

[maniac116]

"Do It Yourself, Do Yourself In"
2000 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

​

(2000, Colorado) Summer is the most blissful of seasons, when our favorite summertime activity -- do it yourself stupidity -- kicks into high gear. Meet Charles, 34, a Denver masonry contractor who created brick and mortar edifices. Charles was in construction. He had worked on houses, he had watched electricians install wiring. He believed this qualified him as a member of the Junior Electrician Society. He figured he could handle any electrical issue that came up around his own home.


One day on the job, Charles was apparently bonked in the head by his bricks. He had the great idea! He would build an electric fence in his own backyard. "An electric fence will keep the dogs in." Charles connected a wire to an extension cord, and managed to encircle his backyard with a 120-V strand of wire without mishap. His dogs will not be sued for puppy support with this security system in place!

​

The household became accustomed to the fence, and things settled down to normal, until Charles picked up a passion for gardening. Charles had a real nice set of tomatoes, and I'm not referring to his wife. One day he reached for a tomato, put his hand on the electrified wire, and there's really no need to explain what happened next.

Why did this man die? Like other inexperienced people, he thought he knew what he was doing. But his design had two major flaws. Fences constructed for dogs use one-tenth the voltage of cattle fences (which do use 120 volts.) And he needed to install a repeater, which transmits 150-microsecond pulses, to hit a cow with a jolt of juice that cuts off in time to avoid creating a pile of rare steaks by the fence.

The moral of this story is, as always, one of the guiding principles of common sense: if you don't know how to do something, don't do it!

DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2022
Submitted by: Kevin Jones​

 

[maniac116]

"Faithful Flotation"
2006 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

​

(August 2006, Libreville, Gabon) During an impassioned sermon, a congregation was surprised to hear their 35-year old pastor insist that one could literally walk on water, if one had enough faith. His words were big and bold. He extolled the heavenly power possessed by a faithful man with such force that he may well have convinced himself.
Whether or not he believed in his heart, his speech only left room for shame should he leave his own faith untested. Thus, the fiery pastor set out to walk across a major estuary, along the path of a 20-minute ferry ride. Even though he could not swim.

Lacking the miraculous powers of David Copperfield, let alone Jesus Christ, this ill-fated cleric found only a damp Darwin Award at the end of his chosen path.

 

[maniac116]

"Booze Cruise Loser"
2018 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

​

Boston friends fondly confess that there ARE Booze Cruises. It's a thing. But for Aaron D., it's a thing of the past...
(8 September 2018, Massachusetts) An evening Booze Cruise in Boston Harbor led to the death of a 21-year-old man who was performing handstands on the railing of the ferry. Ordered to "stand down" from the rail by crew, acrobatic Aaron Dibella sneaked back up as soon as the crew turned their backs. He was performing a maneuver described as "a type of vertical pushup" when his hands faltered and he toppled overboard into the Boston Harbor.

Perhaps he could not swim? The crew snapped into action, focused a spotlight on Aaron, tossed him a life preserver, leapt into the harbor and swam to within five feet of the booze-cruiser... but sadly he sank before they could snag him. Coast Guard spokesperson Nicole Groll said, "We launched all our assets" upon receiving the report of a person overboard, but to little avail. His body was found by divers three hours later.

Young men feel immortal. They show off their physical prowess with rousing confidence. Unfortunately their human mortality is all too real. May this be a caution to others to reign in the confidence that leads to catastrioge. There is a joke here about sperm and swimmers, but I can't find it.

RIP Aaron Dibella.

 

[maniac116]

"Tired of it All"
2000 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

​

(16 August 1999) Daniel was tired to death - literally -- at the Buckeye Ford Dealership in London. He had sneaked onto the lot in the wee hours of the morning with theft on his mind. His modus operandi was to jack up the back of a pickup truck, remove the wheels, heave them into the bed of a hot-wired Buckeye Ford pickup, and move on to the next target. Daniel possessed what local police referred to as "an extensive criminal background," and had apparently spent years honing his craft. But his expertise failed him this time. The pickup was half full when the 47-year-old thief's next (and final) target slipped off the jack and landed squarely on his chest at 4AM. A clear case of live by the truck, die by the truck.


In a related incident, Police in London, Ohio say a thief was killed while stealing tires from a Ford dealership. Employees found the body of Daniel Nolan, 47, when they arrived for work Monday morning. The jack holding up a truck slipped and crushed him.

 

[maniac116]

"Hammer of Doom"
2006 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

​

(August 2006, Brazil) August brings us a winner from Brazil, who tried to disassemble a Rocket Propelled Grenade (RPG) by driving back and forth over it with a car. This technique was ineffective, so he escalated to pounding the RPG with a sledgehammer. The second try worked--in a sense. The explosion proved fatal to one man, six cars, and the repair shop wherein the efforts took place.
Fourteen more RPG were found in a car parked nearby. Police believe the ammunition was being scavenged to sell as scrap metal. If it wasn't scrap then, it certainly is now!