Venting The cycle repeats, the story continues

[NeoN0va]

Unfortunately or fortunately, i am back on SaSu. I wished as hard as i could never to come back here, but the cycle decided otherwise. I was so sure that i had already broke out of it, that my life is finally heading towards the better, but turns out im still the pathetic dude i used to be 2 years ago, always so naive. Ive tried everything i could, ive become more social, ive had a girlfriend, i made money, got back to watching the tv, reading books, playing more games, listening to more music, but its all just meaningless, it doesnt carry anything anymore. I still resonate with music, but its not the same thing as before, its much different. I cant find any pleasure in life at this point, or at least no stable pleasure, all the distractions work for just a tiny fraction of time. Intimacy got me nowhere; sex, kissing, all those romantic situations and actions are quite empty, they make me feel something at first, but each next time it just gets more and more awful and useless. My english skills have gotten useless as well, i feel like my grammar and the amount of words i know has become so much smaller, all because of last year. I focused so much on recovery that i didnt have time to really communicate with my english speaking friends. Ive gained a bit of weight again, my hair is falling out like crazy, i find it hard to fall asleep before 1 or 2 am, and i constantly feel anxious, all because everything had repeated itself. My brother is making me feel exhausted, ever since his brain surgery he's acting like a fucking kid, i fucking hate it, especially that we were all trying our best to make him feel as well as possible and make him recover mentally and shit, get back to socializing and stuff, but he just doesnt care at all. He seems as if he just doesnt want to fucking recover, its pissing me off so much because the amount of trauma he had caused to both me and my parents is irreversible and i just wish he atleast tried to fix shit.

I think i might be suicidal again, ive still got my SN somewhere in my room but its been there for around 9 months already, im not sure if its still good or not, if anybody could let me know id appreciate it quite a bit if its usable or not. Ive got metoclopramide since that hell of a brother got it during his chemo so i can really just die whenever i want to i guess. I just wanted to say that im back, to all those who remember me and are alive. I hope at least some of you have gotten better by this time.

 

[Arvayn]

Where did you keep your SN? If it's in a dry, dark spot kept at room temperature and properly sealed, then it should still be perfectly fine to use.

 

[NeoN0va]

Where did you keep your SN? If it's in a dry, dark spot kept at room temperature and properly sealed, then it should still be perfectly fine to use.

In one of my shoe boxes inside my wardrobe, it should be room temp.