The comforting thought

[misakimaze]

I hate that I made a promise to my friends that I would stop trying to kill myself. A week ago I drank three beers and took around 24 benadryl. I got sick and woke up the next day. I have a police report against my ex for rape. I don't know if it even matters, I won't get justice and every fiber of my being wants him to talk to me again. To listen. I know he abused me, some many health professionals have said that but. I keep reaching out. I might be lying about it-- a part of me thinks. I don't have evidence and im just a desperate little girl who's more useless then an ant on the ground. No one wants to listen to me, no health professionals or legal help call me back like promised.

I know it's a waiting game but I want to forget about this. I want everyone to forget about me. If I die I might be reborn into a reality where this didnt happen. That im not a crazy ex gf, that im a human being that isn't surrounded by demons. But if I fail I dont want anybody to find me. I dont want to go to another hospital see another face. Im exhausted. Maybe ppl will listen when im dead.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i don't have any words for you. i'm sorry times are so tough right now. i hope that there is a better life for you if you're able to be reborn. failing is honestly worse than death for me because i feel so embarrassed that people know i did it and couldn't go all the way. i went through a similar situation with the police and my counselor forced me to talk to the police about it, but it obviously went nowhere the same way it did when i filed a police report at 16. i hate the feeling that i'm lying or not saying enough, when there's nothing i could've done then and nothing i could do now. i feel like men in power just want to use other men's actions, but maybe i'm just too bitter. i'll never believe in the police.

 

[misakimaze]

i don't have any words for you. i'm sorry times are so tough right now. i hope that there is a better life for you if you're able to be reborn. failing is honestly worse than death for me because i feel so embarrassed that people know i did it and couldn't go all the way. i went through a similar situation with the police and my counselor forced me to talk to the police about it, but it obviously went nowhere the same way it did when i filed a police report at 16. i hate the feeling that i'm lying or not saying enough, when there's nothing i could've done then and nothing i could do now. i feel like men in power just want to use other men's actions, but maybe i'm just too bitter. i'll never believe in the police.


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I hate the cops. ive called over and over to see if there's any update and no one has talked to me. All his friends are calling me liar and his family. Like im terrible for wanting for him to get punished for something he did to me. My friends call me a suicide baiter and tell me to stop talking about the situation. This has happened to me so many times yk? I get screwed over for liking someone. I know you dont have words for me and it's ok not many people do. I tried SN a year ago and my stuff never arrived. When I get a job it's either that or a gun.

 

[eggsausagerice]

I hate the cops. ive called over and over to see if there's any update and no one has talked to me. All his friends are calling me liar and his family. Like im terrible for wanting for him to get punished for something he did to me. My friends call me a suicide baiter and tell me to stop talking about the situation.

i hate cops and feds. they're paid to literally do nothing. it sucks that you're getting witch hunted for just wanting justice in a system that should protect SA victims. it sucks to be called a suicide baiter too. they're basically goading you to kys if they say stuff like that. my mom didn't believe me and probably still doesn't my dad believed me but did nothing to help with the arrest because he always sides with my mom. my sister knows the cops are incapable of doing anything and that he's still walking around. the local cops generally do not care that it happens and care more if i shoplift. it's so annoying when people expect you to get over something you obviously can't get over. most people are innately unempathetic. i'm sorry that you want to kill yourself because everybody in your life sucks. i think your friends can't imagine you killing yourself for real if you've only had failed attempts.

 

[misakimaze]

i hate cops and feds. they're paid to literally do nothing. it sucks that you're getting witch hunted for just wanting justice in a system that should protect SA victims. it sucks to be called a suicide baiter too. they're basically goading you to kys if they say stuff like that. my mom didn't believe me and probably still doesn't my dad believed me but did nothing to help with the arrest because he always sides with my mom. my sister knows the cops are incapable of doing anything and that he's still walking around. the local cops generally do not care that it happens and care more if i shoplift. it's so annoying when people expect you to get over something you obviously can't get over. most people are innately unempathetic. i'm sorry that you want to kill yourself because everybody in your life sucks. i think your friends can't imagine you killing yourself for real if you've only had failed attempts.

I think they do too. A part of me wants to prove everyone wrong. But that's not a good reason to die. Im sorry you went through something similar, im sorry he walks free. If that happens to me I dont know on earth I'll be capable of. I want to die before I see it. People suck, genuinely. I think they're nothing more than demons in disguise at this point. I must have done something in my past life to be thrown here. I wish people protected people like us.