XdragonsoulX
Vengeance Incarnate
- Apr 13, 2022
- 148
My clock keeps ticking down and I don't even know if there's a chance for survival left… I never know what is real anymore or what's fiction, I barely even recognise everyone around me. I keep trying to have a good life, try to bring about change for the better with him and I, sacrificed everything I have literally everything for this life because I wanted to be with him. Because I fell in love with him and believed that we would get married like we would talk about. But once the ring came on his finger he accepted it with fingers crossed. Then my disorders do what they do best even before learning about them, and still trying to learn how to battle them. And he just closed up like a clam, maybe we got too close too fast, but I also closed up too, unable to ask about the things that ended up being true in the end. My psychic energy has never been stronger in my life than it is right now. And now I've lost it all, one heartstring left, on the verge of snapping. We made promises but yet again feels like fingers were crossed, I see things, I hear things, I recognise the patterns. I know something is happening again, I can feel it in my soul. But no hard proof, just some that can lead to more superstition. A double edged sword I found myself upon. Finally decide to just come out with it and ask, to try to bring some solace and give a chance to see some truth, have some trust. But yet I'm called crazy for even thinking it. He asks about the proof I can't give the answers because I'm not letting it be a learning lesson on hiding. But we leave it at that. But yet I still feel he was lying. I've nothing left outside of this. So much acceptance from his family from the facade, I can't let them down, it's horrible thinking of them finding out about my demise… but outside of this it just feels so fake and empty feeling in most aspects. I don't know if it will be worth it in the end if my flight to Iceland is booked… I keep trying to hold on maybe if I give up internally and keep the broken smiles that he ignores and doesn't care to fix to own up to his mistakes and keep his promises. But at this point what is real? What is fiction? I know there was thoughts about something going on, thoughts that he claims he is asexual about… thoughts he said he wasn't having. But it's not worth it. Is it? I drown every single day, but at a certain point it no longer matters if I sink or swim anymore if there's nothing left swimming for. So I just keep planning, and hoping for change for the light to return… but I'm so afraid because what if what I see is true and I believe all these lies for who knows how much longer where will my life sit, what if it is my disorder in the end and I find I was driving him away because i couldn't see the truth it won't ever end will it? So I ask is there ever a better moment in my life right now than now? I have nature on my side right now, I have mom sending me the signs left and right. Everything comes down to timing. The planets just happen to align in 2025 a year that ends with a multiple of 5, I turned 28 only a few days ago a even number. I just have to hope my rope is long enough. Idk I still have to finish my plans out this week with family and friends, but I don't know if I should continue after that.
