the big grief - a blog???

[mundanejane]

Well...

It is definitely ironic. He killed himself the night before he was supposed to fly out to see me.

He freaked out over something small that, to him, seemed so big and life ending.
I cant even blame him. I have done the same exact thing and could have very well died in a similar way myself.
His last words were that he doesnt feel bad, he threw up his method right away but alas...

So now, it is the second day of work without him. I usually check in every break and lunch.

I cried harder today, the grief is static around my aura picking at my heart chakra like hungry vultures.

I can only get so high, I can only distract myself so much...

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's also a very accurate phrase I imagine for a lot of people: 'I can only distract myself so much'.

 

[bankai]

Words really aren't enough in these situations. You must be stricken with overwhelming grief. I'm so sorry.

 

[mundanejane]

this will be the third work day without him..

im starting my moon cycle soon and he was always there to support me through the pain

I also have PMDD which he profusely researched because he wanted to understand and help me better, in any way he could

i was alone before him, he entered my heart and lit up all the dark places

he knew about my DID and alters, they are.. pissed is an understatement

i have stated making and editing videos again so thats a ..plus?

i did a transmutation spell to shatter false illusions a night or two ago, we will see how that manifests

also going to work stoned for the very first time -- wish me luck!

 

[shroomia]

I'm so sorry for your loss the pain must be unbearable. My girlfriend killed herself as well and the grief absolutely destroyed me. I can understand how you must be feeling rn and I'm so sorry

 

[mundanejane]

i dont want to live but,

it just spreads the pain. and as much as i dont like my parents; i dont ever want them to feel this way.

in a weird way, i can appreciate how my life is filled with such love and wonder. but all of it would be without him.

King Belial (read;demonolatry) said that this is apart of our spiritual bootcamp. Not him ctb but HOW i react to it and what i decide to do.
I stopped drinking. I dont plan on hurting myself but its on my mind.... a lot. you know what i mean.

i dont know where his soul went, i really dont feel him here. well, part of me does but im also stoned and a bit psychotic rn.
i know if i ctb, we wont reunite so ...yea

but at the same time, holding up just enough to be TRULY ok. Experiencing grief is going to be a rollercoaster but others have gone through it so i should prob reach out somewhere?

here is a song that was on the playlist i made him, i think ill share more stuff maybe

p.s. getting stoned at work was a GREAT idea, at least sativa.

(and thank you everyone)

 

[Alexandra_]

My condolences on your loss. May he rest in peace

 

[mundanejane]

i have a three day weekend, i have so much cleaning and catching up to do but i dont care about any of it.

ive started talking to him out loud, that helped me get some tears out last night.

what an asshole...

to be fair, before he died, i felt the same way about my weekends and didnt care.
i have to build self discipline somehow w my ADHD fucking around...

 

[mundanejane]

ive done nothing but rot in my own filth and cry for my weekend, again.

i fell asleep at 12 am and am now awake at 5 am getting ready for work.

Time goes by without him, time goes by no matter what.
Its so fucked up that he left without me.
We both agreed we wouldnt ctb, at least not now...
We threw away our methods together, or so I thought.
Im pissed again.

Its hard to eat, I havent had a real hot meal in three days.
I smoked all my weed so after work, ill go to the dispensary.
At least Im not drinking?

I am so behind on June goals .. what goals? surviving?

 

[mundanejane]

i told my father, he brought him up.
now they are being so supportive and want me to come over, but i dont want to.
i wanted to go low contact with them and i just dont want to hear my fathes abrahamic crap.

ultimately, they are just people who did their best with what they had, i am that now too.

im messaging habibi like he is still here. i hope i can keep the messages forever and his account doesnt get deleted.
i had my first real warm meal today after three days of small snacks and junk food.

my coworker kinda pulled me aside and said "dont make me mother you, because i will. you need to take care of yourself. i see the depression on your face" she is wonderful. she trained me. im a phlebotomist. i fucking love sticking people

i hope im not doxxing myself but honestly i dont fucking care.
here is a picture of my habibi

 

[mundanejane]

another morning without him

he was the first one i would talk to in the morning and last person i talked to before bed.
sometimes i would fall asleep on him and he would watch me.

ctb looks so so tempting..

i invoked king belial, he confirmed habibi is here wit me. at least art of his soul is.

king belial says he wants me to start the Qliphoth, which is.... wild.

we did some tarot readings too, tried to meditate last night but fell asleep doing it which is actually a plus.

 

[mundanejane]

on one hand, sure, i dont want my family to ever feel like this but-
i deserve peace and to be pain free, just like habibi did.

im probably going to try partial hanging this weekend just to see what happens and what its like.

my family went on and on last night, they dont understand i obviously went through severe trauma as a child and they do in n fact play a big role. yet they say "you are my only weakness, your happiness and well being means more to me than myself" .... like, bro.. come on.

i find time and time again their words and actions dont make sense but I DO THE SAME THING so im also a hypocrite

when i go low contact with them, my life is a lot better but what if im just avoiding something i need to dig deeper in with shadow work?

maybe doing shadow work about this and going low contact to heal is the right way?
maybe i shouldnt even be focusing on the "right way" bc maybe it doesnt exist

 

[mundanejane]

 

[mundanejane]

i had a dream about him, i have really intense dreams in luteal.
it was so vivid and real. i was trying to get him to come back after he failed, i think.
everything feels so muted today.

 

[Withered]

I understand what you mean by muted. That quiet contrast between dreaming and being awake, especially after a dream like that. I hope your days get better.

 

[mundanejane]

i gave him this cute little clementine (?) squishmallow and he said he sleeps with it all the time.
i wonder if he was holding it when he passed...
i hate that he was alone.

i turned my ringer on for the first time on discord that night, i didnt know why.
i fell asleep about 45 minutes before he got home and called me.
why didnt i hear it?

i dont think about the "what ifs" necessarily, i know he made that decision alone and it was his choice.
there is no one to blame, this isnt on anyone. except him i guess but i dont blame him.
i have done the same thing, panicked and went down a spiral of dread...
then the past creeps up and its all horrible.
the only differece is i dodnt succeed.

i made a deal w my friends, one more year.
june 23 2026 - if its still shit, im outie.
thats his birthday

 

[mundanejane]

i cleaned my studio today, he would tell me how proud he was of me bc we were both chronically ill.
he understood how much work and energy it takes to do the simple things.
i vacuumed, i cleaned and made my bed, i threw out trash, i did the dishes that have been sitting there for 2 weeks.
yesterday night, a cockroach crawled on me in my bed. im hoping cleaning up helps.


i cant tell if im crying less or more.
my friends hung out w me on vc. i really needed that but it made me s sad bc my habibi should have been there too.

im closer to fixing my gun, ironically it needs to be serviced and cleaned properly.

but i know, i was supposed to stay.

 

[mundanejane]

it will be one month tomorrow...
it feels like it was yesterday.

i definitely feel like a broken record, did i say this already?

im having some money issues, usually venting to habibi would help me find a solution.

i still cant believe ill never hold him again.

i have to do laundry today... its been 2 weeks

 

[mundanejane]

i couldnt sleep at all last night, my body desperately stayed up hoping for some sort of do over. to stay up and take his call...

i washed my work clothes in the shower half assed bc i didn't want to go outside to do laundry.

im actually looking forward to work today so i can distract myself.

for those of you still reading my updates, thank you.

writing and forming my thoughts a certain way takes a lot of energy out of me.
i think of things to say here all day but when i go to write it, it disappears.

 

[mundanejane]

today is his 38th birthday. i feel so bad for his family.
He had a younger brother who loved him so much...
Im getting stoned before work because I can and honestly kind of need to today

thats all, folks

 

[mundanejane]

still havent cried, i didnt yesterday either.
i didnt do anything to celebrate, just distracted myself in any way i could.
i made some friends in chat

i just still cant believe it, like my brain hasnt processed it.
he really isnt coming back.

god it hurts

 

[mundanejane]

i got a raise.

he would have been the first person i told, the only person i want to spend my money on.
i could have gotten him an extra surprise gift for his birthday.

low key feel like my boss promoted me bc Habibi killed himself but the timing of that process doesnt make sense.
maybe i did really earn it and deserve it.
she probably wondered why i wasnt ecstatic about the $3 raise, its all meaningless.

but i know i can make it meaningful, its up to me.

mormons came to my apt complex, i approached them and they were prying on people.
i screamed, "joseph smith was a pedophile, have fun talking about me in homecoming."
that really is the last thing i need to see rn.

i kind of??? grew up mormon, it really hurt me.
the lore thickens

im thinking now that i have the extra money, i can buy a better gun w bigger bullets to be 100% sure.

im also very lonely, i miss my friends. ​

 

[mundanejane]

i guess everyone moved on....

im still living that day over, im in a weird loop i cant get out of.

im in disbelief.

i think im going to adopt a cat. i need help.

King Belial said i need medication and whatever's wrong with me makes it easy to be lazy or .. something like that?
sometimes the messages dont translate right. or they are images.

 

[mundanejane]

it was my birthday a couple days ago.

all i wanted and needed is something i can never have again.

its really perfect, i have my own place to go now. i dont have to worry about family finding me and haunting their house forever.

either way, whether i go or not, im giving away all of my furniture, putting my belongings in clear plastic bins, donating things i dont need anymore. i might move instead?

i still cry, the moment i clock out from work. like clockwork

 

[mundanejane]

i dont feel like doing shit or even picking up my meds.

im so impatient

i dont want to wait another day, just wanna get it over with already.

 

[mundanejane]

i wrote a letter.
i think i might burn it instead.
it may be better to leave no note at all.

im realizing ill have to delete some things on my phone but at the same time, who cares? ill be dead

im waiting until i get the medium reading about Habibi. May seem silly to some but I know death is not the end. Yet another trial awaits me.

i was going to pack my things away to make things easier for my family but i dont have the energy.

 

[mundanejane]

still here... for my friends ?? family..? idk anymore i really dont know