cinderdust
aspiring an hero
- Apr 27, 2024
- 14
It's actually a little hilarious in a morbid sort of way. I was so relieved finding out there was a way to CTB that even I couldn't manage to screw up, and yet it's still so far away and impossible. The days turn into weeks and into months, and here I am. Still.
Get/insure a car: 2-3 months? Could easily be longer in this market.
Get a P.O. Box set up: 1-2 weeks.
Sourcing and ordering: At least 2 months, likely longer.
Finding a decent spot: Week or so.
In the BEST of circumstances, I might be able to free myself from this miserable existence in 4 MONTHS. I don't want this. I don't want to keep trying. I don't want to see everyone else's life progress and mature while mine stagnates and rots. I WANT OFF THIS FUCKING RIDE. But it's just hoop after hoop after hoop to jump through and I'm just tired. So, so goddamn tired. I'm done. I give up. Isn't this the part where the pain is supposed to end? Isn't this when everything is supposed to fade to black, and nothing is supposed to matter anymore? It hasn't. I'm still here, and life is still awful. And now the hole I've dug myself into gets deeper and deeper, but the light at the top never dims out. I'm trapped.
I don't think I can hold on much longer. I might just end up dying some horrible, gruesome death while I'm waiting and waiting for something to change. Maybe that's for the better. Maybe that's what I deserve, or what other people deserve to deal with. Maybe I'll just end up neglecting my health so bad that I'll have a stroke or something. I've honestly been praying something like that happens. It doesn't have to be perfect, or painless. I'd settle for basically anything. Fuck, if I were to just spontaneously combust right now that might actually be preferable. I don't want to keep hoping and wishing and trying and thinking and planning or anything else. I just want, for once in my fucking life, to just feel nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Get/insure a car: 2-3 months? Could easily be longer in this market.
Get a P.O. Box set up: 1-2 weeks.
Sourcing and ordering: At least 2 months, likely longer.
Finding a decent spot: Week or so.
In the BEST of circumstances, I might be able to free myself from this miserable existence in 4 MONTHS. I don't want this. I don't want to keep trying. I don't want to see everyone else's life progress and mature while mine stagnates and rots. I WANT OFF THIS FUCKING RIDE. But it's just hoop after hoop after hoop to jump through and I'm just tired. So, so goddamn tired. I'm done. I give up. Isn't this the part where the pain is supposed to end? Isn't this when everything is supposed to fade to black, and nothing is supposed to matter anymore? It hasn't. I'm still here, and life is still awful. And now the hole I've dug myself into gets deeper and deeper, but the light at the top never dims out. I'm trapped.
I don't think I can hold on much longer. I might just end up dying some horrible, gruesome death while I'm waiting and waiting for something to change. Maybe that's for the better. Maybe that's what I deserve, or what other people deserve to deal with. Maybe I'll just end up neglecting my health so bad that I'll have a stroke or something. I've honestly been praying something like that happens. It doesn't have to be perfect, or painless. I'd settle for basically anything. Fuck, if I were to just spontaneously combust right now that might actually be preferable. I don't want to keep hoping and wishing and trying and thinking and planning or anything else. I just want, for once in my fucking life, to just feel nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
