KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,801
If it weren't for covid restrictions turning education into a massive joke, I don't think I would have survived this long. No matter what though, my situation only gets worse. There is no light at the other end of the tunnel. I'm in the process of getting my will legitimised (praying online services work) and trying to find a hotel/holiday booking where I can potentially ctb safely and without prying eyes.
To put it quite frankly, I am fucked. As I mentioned in another post, my best friend proposed to me. This was a massive shock to me because I didn't think we would ever truly pursue a romantic relationship again after previous disasters. However, I do think he loves me, and cares for me in his own sort of way, which is all I've ever wanted in my life. It's just far too late for more shattered promises.
For the last 3 years, I have been with a man who constantly degraded and hurt me. I joined SS because I was completely isolated living with him, at his mercy, and constantly fearing whether or not I'd be kicked out. I really loved this person. For a long while, he was all I had, and I desperately wanted him to love me and stop resenting me for being sick.
The abuse varied from calling me a manipulative cunt, a whore, a bitch, evil, vile, fucked up, and mental, to threatening to put me out on the streets and leaving me to fend for myself. Having a romantic relationship is the last hope I had left in my life, because for someone like me, you cannot survive without the kindness of others.
I have no parents, nor any family, as most of you know. The only adult family member I have is my grandmother, in another country, who does not have many years left to live. At Christmastime, I tried to visit my foster family for the first time in 5 years, because I wanted to recconect with them. Over emails I was enthusiastically told that they missed me very much and would welcome me with open arms.
I brought Christmas presents for my parents and siblings, but no one got me anything in return, not even a card. They were kind, but there was the lingering aura that I was an outsider and didn't belong. One of my sisters has completely moved on from her family almost and lives a life of constant fun and success. It was very hard to find anything to share myself.
I tried to tell my parents some of the things that happened to me in the past few years, like sexual abuse, being disowned by my father's parents, grandpa dying, aunt dying, abusive relationships, and they just ignored it and started talking about how so and so got a job at x place. I really needed love and support and either had it turned into a joke or blown off.
After I left, I kept trying to email them and gave them my WhatsApp, but they haven't contacted me on WhatsApp at all. I asked one of my brothers for my little sister's contact details, and she refused to give them. It has been made abundantly clear that I will never have a family and will never experience unconditional love.
My partner has always treated me like a burden because I am disabled. My entire 22 years of life have been spent constantly being ostracised, mocked, or isolated due to the conditions I have. When I was a teenager being groomed by an older man, he would scream and snap in my face for struggling due to being autistic. There were no other autistic people where I grew up, and I constantly faced backlash at school for being slow, dyspraxic, not well spoken, and the odd one out.
This has only worsened with time, as I have accumulated various physical conditions which make my life an utter hell. For example, this week, I havent been able to go to the bathroom in 6 days. I forced myself to take laxative and was waking up every 20 minutes with ungodly pain, writhing in my bed, and still only got minimal relief from the constipation. I've had IBS for years now, and it's only progressively gotten worse to the point where I am becoming reliant on OTC laxatives.
I am expected to function on my own, with 0 support, while suffering from ME/CFS, IBS, chronic pain, autism, and ptsd. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have nothing. I am trapped in this godawful state of dependence, teetering back and forth between life and death, hoping and praying I don't get abandoned or I will have to just force myself to ctb on the spot.
One of my housemates posts pictures of dishes sitting at the sink to shame people for not doing chores quickly enough. I struggle so much just to get out of the bloody bed, much less be the maid for a house full of students. I am constantly blamed for not going outside and truing to meet people enough, when I sleep anywhere between 8-12 hours a day and typically nap for over an hour everyday as well due to my miserable health conditions.
There is no compassion anywhere for me, only blame. It is so easy to get pegged as depressed and not trying, when the reality is that life continues to punish you at every turn.
I always have pain in my legs, when I go out I'm guarenteed to get pain in my back, I have horrible headaches nearly everyday, fevers, dizziness, my stomach kills me, I can't regulate my body temperature properly and have Raynauds in my hands and feet, alongside neurological issues that have left me with permanently distorted vision and cognitive impairments especially with memory.
However, these symptoms fluctatuate in severity and because of this I am often not taken seriously by onlookers. This is absolutely no way to live, but it's assumed that I am "young and healthy" simply because I am here at university against my will. If my university provided ample contact hours, I wouldn't be passing. They've reduced class times drastically, and it's the only saving grace that's allowed me to progress this far in my degree, because I don't have the energy to go places in person that often.
People know how much I'm suffering and how I can barely keep up, and they don't care. My now ex partner used to say I would exaggerate the pain to "win an argument". It took him ages to finally acknowledge it. When I confided in him that I really need to settle down and want to just be on a partner visa so that I don't have to do university anymore and can simply work part time, he threw an absolute tosser of a fit.
When my best friend proposed to me, out of the blue, I came clean about it cause it was the right thing to do. Immediately my partner got furious and said to cease contact with him immediately, and when I asked again, why don't you want to commit instead, why do you always promise me things and never do them? He gave me an ultimatum and then took back his words the next day, now he is pretty much cutting me out completely.
In the beginning, I never intended for things to get this far. My best friend and I have known each other online for several years. When my partner would scream at me and leave me crying in the floor while he'd lie down and go to sleep, I had nowhere to go except to post on this forum or talk to my best friend. He always told me that I deserved better, and how it was unfair.
When I got feelings- and didn't act on anything at that point- I confessed to having them immediately. My partner thought I was a heathen. He even wanted to hook up with a random normie woman at his workplace to get back at me. I've learned at this point, nothing good comes from being honest. You'll only be punished for it.
For many months, we stopped talking on request of my partner, and eventually became friends again when we couldn't stand the barrier that had been put up.
Things didn't turn romantic until last summer when my boyfriend was threatening to throw me out of his family's house damn near everyday, forcing me to sit in a room alone and not allowing me to speak to him when he was angry, and constantly telling me how fucked up I am for reading things like antinatalism philosophy. One time he even got drunk and started screaming and beating the walls and saying the most horrific shit I've ever heard in my life.
At that point, I was just desperate for a safe, loving place to be. I didn't want a fun fling, or a one night stand, or to be some sort of homewrecker. I wanted to leave on amicable terms and be someplace where I'd feel accepted and secure. Ideally, things would've never reached such a level of intensity, but I truly had nothing to my name in this period. My current uni accommodation wasn't due to start until September, I didn't have any friends, I genuinely had nowhere to go, forcing me to remain in a losing situation.
I feel a lot of guilt for chatting romantically while I was with my partner, but honest to god, I felt so unloved. Like he would explode at any time and toss me aside. He overwhelms easily, and would blow up over the smallest of things. He has went and told his family I was cheating on him for ages (he didn't mention he was abusing me, or that this was all just talking online, I've only met my best friend in person a couple of times and was not looking for some sexual funtime)
Of course, everyone is telling him that I am an emotionally unstable, irrational, untrustworthy person. After the first ultimatum, he came to me again and said he didn't want to be with me anymore. He accused me of having Bpd and told me I need to go to DBT therapy for my "intense, erratic emotions, fear of abandonment" and "intense desire for romantic relationships" that were "inevitable due to a poor childhood".
The reason that I fear abandonment is that it historically continues to happen over and over again, since I was an infant. Its not an irrational fear, it is a pattern that had cemented itself in the relationships I was granted from birth, and no one has ever proven me otherwise. Inherently, I am crippled and undesirable. I am not an attractive creature by any means, and will consistently be told in hidden meanings and undertones that I am a burden.
I get attached to people because I do, genuinely have notjing. I don't have an ambitious career to look forward to, I cry nearly everyday because I am so scared of the future due to my inability to work full time. Hobbies become defunct when you have severe issues with memory and concentration that aren't alleviated by any drug or lifestyle change. I have no family that I can turn to when I'm stuck in the abyss. I might as well just be NPC fodder in this cutthroat society.
He gave me the ultimatum that I can stick with my best friend, and he will never speak to me ever again, or cut off my sole confidant completely and agree to be just friends for now and rebuild trust, with no expectation of support or another relationship. He says his family empowered him to put himself first rather than dealing with an unstable, erratic person. My partner has let me suffer for years and not wanted to do anything about it, lest he carry social stigma for settling down with a foreigner.
I can't live like this. No one understands how much the knife has been twisted. I sit in my room isolated everyday and rarely get to do anything worthwhile, my life has been over for ages now due to the weight I have to carry. Unless I am providing pure devotion with sex and romance, I have no value to anyone, and I'm forever going to be pegged as "mentally ill" because I can't cope with bodily decline and crippling solitude.
My ex partner told me that I think I am entitled and no one owes me anything, especially not him. In this world, no one owes you decency, care, or love, yet they won't allow you to put yourself out of your utter misery. Our culture has molded us into a self centered species where independence is seen as a moral and ethical high ground, and those who can't function under such a rigid construct are branded as mentally ill and leeches.
This is too much pain for one person to bear. It is why, I think, I've hit that point of no return. To overcome survival instinct, one has to be pushed to the point of total despair, and I think I've reached that point, where downing SN is better than living in this hell of uncertainty, of pain, of wretched people who act like you're a piece of meat.
To put it quite frankly, I am fucked. As I mentioned in another post, my best friend proposed to me. This was a massive shock to me because I didn't think we would ever truly pursue a romantic relationship again after previous disasters. However, I do think he loves me, and cares for me in his own sort of way, which is all I've ever wanted in my life. It's just far too late for more shattered promises.
For the last 3 years, I have been with a man who constantly degraded and hurt me. I joined SS because I was completely isolated living with him, at his mercy, and constantly fearing whether or not I'd be kicked out. I really loved this person. For a long while, he was all I had, and I desperately wanted him to love me and stop resenting me for being sick.
The abuse varied from calling me a manipulative cunt, a whore, a bitch, evil, vile, fucked up, and mental, to threatening to put me out on the streets and leaving me to fend for myself. Having a romantic relationship is the last hope I had left in my life, because for someone like me, you cannot survive without the kindness of others.
I have no parents, nor any family, as most of you know. The only adult family member I have is my grandmother, in another country, who does not have many years left to live. At Christmastime, I tried to visit my foster family for the first time in 5 years, because I wanted to recconect with them. Over emails I was enthusiastically told that they missed me very much and would welcome me with open arms.
I brought Christmas presents for my parents and siblings, but no one got me anything in return, not even a card. They were kind, but there was the lingering aura that I was an outsider and didn't belong. One of my sisters has completely moved on from her family almost and lives a life of constant fun and success. It was very hard to find anything to share myself.
I tried to tell my parents some of the things that happened to me in the past few years, like sexual abuse, being disowned by my father's parents, grandpa dying, aunt dying, abusive relationships, and they just ignored it and started talking about how so and so got a job at x place. I really needed love and support and either had it turned into a joke or blown off.
After I left, I kept trying to email them and gave them my WhatsApp, but they haven't contacted me on WhatsApp at all. I asked one of my brothers for my little sister's contact details, and she refused to give them. It has been made abundantly clear that I will never have a family and will never experience unconditional love.
My partner has always treated me like a burden because I am disabled. My entire 22 years of life have been spent constantly being ostracised, mocked, or isolated due to the conditions I have. When I was a teenager being groomed by an older man, he would scream and snap in my face for struggling due to being autistic. There were no other autistic people where I grew up, and I constantly faced backlash at school for being slow, dyspraxic, not well spoken, and the odd one out.
This has only worsened with time, as I have accumulated various physical conditions which make my life an utter hell. For example, this week, I havent been able to go to the bathroom in 6 days. I forced myself to take laxative and was waking up every 20 minutes with ungodly pain, writhing in my bed, and still only got minimal relief from the constipation. I've had IBS for years now, and it's only progressively gotten worse to the point where I am becoming reliant on OTC laxatives.
I am expected to function on my own, with 0 support, while suffering from ME/CFS, IBS, chronic pain, autism, and ptsd. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have nothing. I am trapped in this godawful state of dependence, teetering back and forth between life and death, hoping and praying I don't get abandoned or I will have to just force myself to ctb on the spot.
One of my housemates posts pictures of dishes sitting at the sink to shame people for not doing chores quickly enough. I struggle so much just to get out of the bloody bed, much less be the maid for a house full of students. I am constantly blamed for not going outside and truing to meet people enough, when I sleep anywhere between 8-12 hours a day and typically nap for over an hour everyday as well due to my miserable health conditions.
There is no compassion anywhere for me, only blame. It is so easy to get pegged as depressed and not trying, when the reality is that life continues to punish you at every turn.
I always have pain in my legs, when I go out I'm guarenteed to get pain in my back, I have horrible headaches nearly everyday, fevers, dizziness, my stomach kills me, I can't regulate my body temperature properly and have Raynauds in my hands and feet, alongside neurological issues that have left me with permanently distorted vision and cognitive impairments especially with memory.
However, these symptoms fluctatuate in severity and because of this I am often not taken seriously by onlookers. This is absolutely no way to live, but it's assumed that I am "young and healthy" simply because I am here at university against my will. If my university provided ample contact hours, I wouldn't be passing. They've reduced class times drastically, and it's the only saving grace that's allowed me to progress this far in my degree, because I don't have the energy to go places in person that often.
People know how much I'm suffering and how I can barely keep up, and they don't care. My now ex partner used to say I would exaggerate the pain to "win an argument". It took him ages to finally acknowledge it. When I confided in him that I really need to settle down and want to just be on a partner visa so that I don't have to do university anymore and can simply work part time, he threw an absolute tosser of a fit.
When my best friend proposed to me, out of the blue, I came clean about it cause it was the right thing to do. Immediately my partner got furious and said to cease contact with him immediately, and when I asked again, why don't you want to commit instead, why do you always promise me things and never do them? He gave me an ultimatum and then took back his words the next day, now he is pretty much cutting me out completely.
In the beginning, I never intended for things to get this far. My best friend and I have known each other online for several years. When my partner would scream at me and leave me crying in the floor while he'd lie down and go to sleep, I had nowhere to go except to post on this forum or talk to my best friend. He always told me that I deserved better, and how it was unfair.
When I got feelings- and didn't act on anything at that point- I confessed to having them immediately. My partner thought I was a heathen. He even wanted to hook up with a random normie woman at his workplace to get back at me. I've learned at this point, nothing good comes from being honest. You'll only be punished for it.
For many months, we stopped talking on request of my partner, and eventually became friends again when we couldn't stand the barrier that had been put up.
Things didn't turn romantic until last summer when my boyfriend was threatening to throw me out of his family's house damn near everyday, forcing me to sit in a room alone and not allowing me to speak to him when he was angry, and constantly telling me how fucked up I am for reading things like antinatalism philosophy. One time he even got drunk and started screaming and beating the walls and saying the most horrific shit I've ever heard in my life.
At that point, I was just desperate for a safe, loving place to be. I didn't want a fun fling, or a one night stand, or to be some sort of homewrecker. I wanted to leave on amicable terms and be someplace where I'd feel accepted and secure. Ideally, things would've never reached such a level of intensity, but I truly had nothing to my name in this period. My current uni accommodation wasn't due to start until September, I didn't have any friends, I genuinely had nowhere to go, forcing me to remain in a losing situation.
I feel a lot of guilt for chatting romantically while I was with my partner, but honest to god, I felt so unloved. Like he would explode at any time and toss me aside. He overwhelms easily, and would blow up over the smallest of things. He has went and told his family I was cheating on him for ages (he didn't mention he was abusing me, or that this was all just talking online, I've only met my best friend in person a couple of times and was not looking for some sexual funtime)
Of course, everyone is telling him that I am an emotionally unstable, irrational, untrustworthy person. After the first ultimatum, he came to me again and said he didn't want to be with me anymore. He accused me of having Bpd and told me I need to go to DBT therapy for my "intense, erratic emotions, fear of abandonment" and "intense desire for romantic relationships" that were "inevitable due to a poor childhood".
The reason that I fear abandonment is that it historically continues to happen over and over again, since I was an infant. Its not an irrational fear, it is a pattern that had cemented itself in the relationships I was granted from birth, and no one has ever proven me otherwise. Inherently, I am crippled and undesirable. I am not an attractive creature by any means, and will consistently be told in hidden meanings and undertones that I am a burden.
I get attached to people because I do, genuinely have notjing. I don't have an ambitious career to look forward to, I cry nearly everyday because I am so scared of the future due to my inability to work full time. Hobbies become defunct when you have severe issues with memory and concentration that aren't alleviated by any drug or lifestyle change. I have no family that I can turn to when I'm stuck in the abyss. I might as well just be NPC fodder in this cutthroat society.
He gave me the ultimatum that I can stick with my best friend, and he will never speak to me ever again, or cut off my sole confidant completely and agree to be just friends for now and rebuild trust, with no expectation of support or another relationship. He says his family empowered him to put himself first rather than dealing with an unstable, erratic person. My partner has let me suffer for years and not wanted to do anything about it, lest he carry social stigma for settling down with a foreigner.
I can't live like this. No one understands how much the knife has been twisted. I sit in my room isolated everyday and rarely get to do anything worthwhile, my life has been over for ages now due to the weight I have to carry. Unless I am providing pure devotion with sex and romance, I have no value to anyone, and I'm forever going to be pegged as "mentally ill" because I can't cope with bodily decline and crippling solitude.
My ex partner told me that I think I am entitled and no one owes me anything, especially not him. In this world, no one owes you decency, care, or love, yet they won't allow you to put yourself out of your utter misery. Our culture has molded us into a self centered species where independence is seen as a moral and ethical high ground, and those who can't function under such a rigid construct are branded as mentally ill and leeches.
This is too much pain for one person to bear. It is why, I think, I've hit that point of no return. To overcome survival instinct, one has to be pushed to the point of total despair, and I think I've reached that point, where downing SN is better than living in this hell of uncertainty, of pain, of wretched people who act like you're a piece of meat.
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life can be so damn unfair and challenging. i hear you and feel the pain through your writing, you are a very articulate writer. 
i wish things could get better for you.
