The actual preparation is the most horrifiying experience one can have in life

[thejumper]

Actively planning to CTB is just pure hell. The fear of the unknown, the dread, despair, etc. I've been at this point in life several times after failing my first and only attempt. The terror of dying is so great in magnitude that passive suicidality feels more bearable. And the funny thing is, it isn't actually bearable, either.

It's as if there was a switch in my mind which can induce drastical changes in the pysche when flipped. Once I switch the "active suicidal mode" on, the darkest of all existential crisises loom over me incessantly. In this "mode", I'm forced to deal with constant thoughts of profound despair over the fact that I'm going to die soon. I look at myself in the mirror and see nothing but a survival machine built for the meaningless perpetuity of my existence. This experience terrifies me to an extent that I just back out and procrastinate on CTBing. And years pass by; responsibilites pile up, the pain increases, and I'm getting physically more fragile. Life doesn't get better.

In galactical terms, even the entropy of the universe is increasing. Existence, be it animate or inanimate, is condemned to go in the direction of disorder - law of entropy, if I'm not mistaken. I'll end this post with a quote by Douglas Adams:

"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

 

[Mistiie]

Agreed, somehow the leadup is actually worse than actually going for it. Once you've passed the point of no return, be that through harming yourself or by taking medication or whatever, so long as the actual physical effects are painless or relatively so, it's not bad at all. The only bad thing that comes out of that, other than possible pain, is someone finding you. Other than that, it's smooth sailing from there on.

It's really weird though. There are so many aspects to passive to active suicidality that make it so illogical and irrational. Like, when I went towards being actively suicidal, it was almost like whiplash, because one of my dreams was to get into biogerontology, which is a career focused on not ageing, or not dying or at the very least trying to prevent that. So to feel like I wanted to die despite one of my biggest dreams being to not die for thousands of years was so odd.

Then again, that goes for a lot of suicidal people. Going from not wanting to die and then wanting to die but at the same time, being too scared to take the plunge because...you don't actually want to go through the process of death. We'd appreciate a button that makes everything go black if clicked, but winners can't be choosers here. Well, not fully anyways.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

If your name is correct this site is getting more jumpers by the minute. I used to fantasize about jumping. How it would be all calm and peaceful falling backwards and looking up at the stars. Then like you said the reality of actually doing it was a whole different story. Dread, despair, torment and that damn SI. Every day living for nothing, but not able to end it. Don't give up. I have passed the despair and torment part. I have settled into a discomfort zone. I would like to do it immediately but SI won't allow it, but I know I have a breaking point to where it won't matter. So, I just keep living until that point comes. Then I will run and hop a rail to my death without much thought about it.

 

[Darkover]

sounds like you are far from ready to ctb maybe trying recover would be better suited to you

 

[Meditation guide]

SI and the vivid imagination I have of choking, gasping for air, burns like fire in my throat, staggering around, trying to yell out "help, help me" but nothing comes out, trying to grab at my phone as it falls on the floor and slides under the bed out of reach, falling off the bed onto the floor but unable to move, breaking an arm in the process but unable to move, trying desperately to get some air into my lungs, feeling my throat burning and closing up, feeling salt water blasting into my nose and sinuses as I projectile vomit the salt poison that is on fire in my belly, feeling as if i have swallowed red hot charcoal briquettes, heart racing so hard it's bursting out of my chest, feeling veins in my neck popping, head feeling like an ax is buried in my skull, eyes going blind and can't see, legs won't move, then feeling my body jack knifing in uncontrollable convulsion.. I feel all this every time I glance at my SN bottles.

 

[zombiegirl]

SI and the vivid imagination I have of choking, gasping for air, burns like fire in my throat, staggering around, trying to yell out "help, help me" but nothing comes out, trying to grab at my phone as it falls on the floor and slides under the bed out of reach, falling off the bed onto the floor but unable to move, breaking an arm in the process but unable to move, trying desperately to get some air into my lungs, feeling my throat burning and closing up, feeling salt water blasting into my nose and sinuses as I projectile vomit the salt poison that is on fire in my belly, feeling as if i have swallowed red hot charcoal briquettes, heart racing so hard it's bursting out of my chest, feeling veins in my neck popping, head feeling like an ax is buried in my skull, eyes going blind and can't see, legs won't move, then feeling my body jack knifing in uncontrollable convulsion.. I feel all this every time I glance at my SN bottles.

holy shit, i've never seen OD'ng described so accurately

 

[Lookoutbelow]

SI and the vivid imagination I have of choking, gasping for air, burns like fire in my throat, staggering around, trying to yell out "help, help me" but nothing comes out, trying to grab at my phone as it falls on the floor and slides under the bed out of reach, falling off the bed onto the floor but unable to move, breaking an arm in the process but unable to move, trying desperately to get some air into my lungs, feeling my throat burning and closing up, feeling salt water blasting into my nose and sinuses as I projectile vomit the salt poison that is on fire in my belly, feeling as if i have swallowed red hot charcoal briquettes, heart racing so hard it's bursting out of my chest, feeling veins in my neck popping, head feeling like an ax is buried in my skull, eyes going blind and can't see, legs won't move, then feeling my body jack knifing in uncontrollable convulsion.. I feel all this every time I glance at my SN bottles.

Damn that is one hell of a description and thank you for that. I plan on jumping. People say how hard it will be. I feel other methods are harder, including SN. At least when I jump it will be over in seconds. Only gunshot is quicker. Hanging and poison take several minutes plus a lot of prep. If I were going to use SN, I sure wouldn't after your post. When I think of jumping I only think of my eyes bugging out of my head in pure terror and swimming in the air.

 

[Meditation guide]

Damn that is one hell of a description and thank you for that. I plan on jumping. People say how hard it will be. I feel other methods are harder, including SN. At least when I jump it will be over in seconds. Only gunshot is quicker. Hanging and poison take several minutes plus a lot of prep. If I were going to use SN, I sure wouldn't after your post. When I think of jumping I only think of my eyes bugging out of my head in pure terror and swimming in the air.

Shall I give you my mental picture on what the process of jumping would be like cause I have a good one for that too.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Shall I give you my mental picture on what the process of jumping would be like cause I have a good one for that too.

Yes please!

 

[WonderingSoul]

For me, the whole process is quite calming.

 

[dreambound]

doesn't this make you look out the window in utter disbelief that society chooses to deny you any access to morphine,
or any other useful drug when they are readily available.
absolutely no one should have to suffer , or even have to endure the nightmare of preparation & researching methods.
maybe we should all immigrate to a compassionate country that respects individual choice.
canada or switzerland are tempting choices....

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

I can't imagine going any other way than a firearm or nitrogen. A firearm especially though because I could be anywhere I want to be when I die, and I would know that the method is one of the most reliable.
I guess I wouldn't really care though if I was going to be in excruciating pain for a little while if I knew it would end soon (like if I took cyanide, SN or if I didn't hit the part of my brain I was aiming for with the gun).

 

[Meditation guide]

I agree the preparation is almost impossible for me. My imagination works overtime, I can't control it, thinking about the exact.. gruesome.. horrific.. details. And, of course, the worst of all is, I can't even stand to write it...... failing.

 

[thejumper]

sounds like you are far from ready to ctb maybe trying recover would be better suited to you

I've already tried recovery. That's not an option. I'm simply bound to suffer from worldly illusions. I believe when the time comes, I will be ready to CTB.

If your name is correct this site is getting more jumpers by the minute. I used to fantasize about jumping. How it would be all calm and peaceful falling backwards and looking up at the stars. Then like you said the reality of actually doing it was a whole different story. Dread, despair, torment and that damn SI. Every day living for nothing, but not able to end it. Don't give up. I have passed the despair and torment part. I have settled into a discomfort zone. I would like to do it immediately but SI won't allow it, but I know I have a breaking point to where it won't matter. So, I just keep living until that point comes. Then I will run and hop a rail to my death without much thought about it.

I've chosen my name in a figurative sense; as in, leaping from life to nothingness. I call it "leap of death". Regarding your choice of method, I don't really want to jump. I want to go alone, in a room while lying drunk on the bed and listening to some existential music.

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

If your name is correct this site is getting more jumpers by the minute. I used to fantasize about jumping. How it would be all calm and peaceful falling backwards and looking up at the stars. Then like you said the reality of actually doing it was a whole different story. Dread, despair, torment and that damn SI. Every day living for nothing, but not able to end it. Don't give up. I have passed the despair and torment part. I have settled into a discomfort zone. I would like to do it immediately but SI won't allow it, but I know I have a breaking point to where it won't matter. So, I just keep living until that point comes. Then I will run and hop a rail to my death without much thought about it.

I used to joke with my sister: "Imagine jumping off a building and then changing your mind half-way to the ground".

Dark humor, I know, but shit, I'm sure people have experienced regret after jumping and knowing they are confined to the inevitable consequences of their action.

 

[DeadHead]

I completely relate to OP.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

This is a fate I find to be terrifying. To be condemned to a lifetime of passive ideation 24/7 because the actual execution is too challenging and stressful (for whatever reasons).

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I used to joke with my sister: "Imagine jumping off a building and then changing your mind half-way to the ground".

Dark humor, I know, but shit, I'm sure people have experienced regret after jumping and knowing they are confined to the inevitable consequences of their action.

I agree, I'm sure most experience regret the second they jump. That's just human nature. I'm sure I will experience shear terror and regret, but only for a few seconds. I chose jumping because I don't want to be able to change my mind once I go. I don't want to live with regret.

 

[starlightsun]

This is a fate I find to be terrifying. To be condemned to a lifetime of passive ideation 24/7 because the actual execution is too challenging and stressful (for whatever reasons).

Same here. Because it's like this kind of limbo between actually "living" and being dead.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

It doesn't bother me. It's not until five minutes prior that I have to contemplate if I actually will go through. I could buy all my materials and never use it I'm saying this about N2. Knocks you out like sleep, kicks in really quickly.

 

[Iris Blue]

Yes absolutely, I've been obsessing and planning how to CTB but then I always see and think of different ways it could fail which makes me terrified to even want to attempt. If only I knew for 110% certainty that what my plan is will work the pain that is experienced during trying to CTB wouldn't matter just being able to know I wouldn't face the consequences if it weren't to work.

Also I also have like some times where it's not like me wanting to live but more like thinking "ok maybe this isn't so bad" but then sudden changes where my mind is only on how to CTB and it's like I'm possessed and just angry that I can't just die right then and there.

 

[makeitstop___]

For me, the whole process is quite calming.

Same. When I think about going on my supply run I feel at peace. It's welcomed I'm so ready for it to be over.

 

[littlelungs]

For me it's the opposite. Whenever I work on my preparations I tend to be very methodological and calm, like it's just something that needs to be done... like I'm paying a bill or something. It even gives me immense comfort to know that I'm one step closer to finally being free of all of this pain.

That said, the way you described that whole active/passive suicidality thing, the deterioration, things piling up, etc, on top of that ridiculously powerful SI that we're born with, even though you don't actually want to be alive... I get it. It can be such an insanely complicated, complex, and at times contradictory and even terrifying feeling, and I wrestled with that constantly in my teens and early 20s. It's hard to describe and I don't know if I'm making much sense right now, but, yeah... I really feel for you.

Also, you're a really good writer, btw, for whatever it's worth.

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

I agree, I'm sure most experience regret the second they jump. That's just human nature. I'm sure I will experience shear terror and regret, but only for a few seconds. I chose jumping because I don't want to be able to change my mind once I go. I don't want to live with regret.

Yeah. I think, if not N, or CO2 poisoning, jumping could be peaceful, assuming one has resolved all of their fear.

I could imagine staring up at the night sky, maybe seeing the stars while falling from a skyscraper in the midst of a bustling city could be morbidly beautiful.

 

[wait.what]

I can't imagine going any other way than a firearm or nitrogen.

Firearms have long been my choice. Ideally, you put your finger on the trigger, think "Teleport me off this rock," and blammo, back to the void you go. No time for regrets or second thoughts. I'm someone who agonizes over which kind of cheese to get at the store, so methods that allow post-inevitable-doom contemplation are not for me. Imagine if Hamlet had been a jumper: "To be or not to be, that is the question. Well, the answer is not to be, within the next 3 seconds, actually. Hmm. Would it have been nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or was it cool to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end—" *Thhhhhpt!*

What an annoying way to die.

BTW—I'm not familiar with a nitrogen method. Is that a variation on the inert gas one?

When I think about going on my supply run I feel at peace.

Me too. I feel like shouting, "Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, I am free at last!"

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

BTW—I'm not familiar with a nitrogen method. Is that a variation on the inert gas one?

I assumed nitrogen was kind of the standard for inert gas lol

What an annoying way to die.

lmao yeah I don't want to be fully cognizant after I've committed to it if I can avoid it either. (I mean for me it would be ok if somehow I screwed up violently and was in enough pain to not be fully concious but I'll do anything to not be alone with my own thoughts - idk how the jumpers especially make peace with it but I am way too paranoid for that lol)

 

[jackrussell]

i agree it's hell to try and come up with a plan to ctb. i'm afraid of failing and the unknown.

 

[thejumper]

For me it's the opposite. Whenever I work on my preparations I tend to be very methodological and calm, like it's just something that needs to be done... like I'm paying a bill or something. It even gives me immense comfort to know that I'm one step closer to finally being free of all of this pain.

That said, the way you described that whole active/passive suicidality thing, the deterioration, things piling up, etc, on top of that ridiculously powerful SI that we're born with, even though you don't actually want to be alive... I get it. It can be such an insanely complicated, complex, and at times contradictory and even terrifying feeling, and I wrestled with that constantly in my teens and early 20s. It's hard to describe and I don't know if I'm making much sense right now, but, yeah... I really feel for you.

Also, you're a really good writer, btw, for whatever it's worth.

What is holding you back now? Also, if not personal, what's your method of choice?
Thank you, littlelungs; your words are greatly appreciated.

Firearms have long been my choice. Ideally, you put your finger on the trigger, think "Teleport me off this rock," and blammo, back to the void you go. No time for regrets or second thoughts. I'm someone who agonizes over which kind of cheese to get at the store, so methods that allow post-inevitable-doom contemplation are not for me. Imagine if Hamlet had been a jumper: "To be or not to be, that is the question. Well, the answer is not to be, within the next 3 seconds, actually. Hmm. Would it have been nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or was it cool to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end—" *Thhhhhpt!*

What an annoying way to die.

BTW—I'm not familiar with a nitrogen method. Is that a variation on the inert gas one?

Me too. I feel like shouting, "Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, I am free at last!"

This is why I'm planning to get a Makarov from an underground market. Will I be able to pull the trigger when the time comes? I think I could, after trying a few things left in life. What's holding you back for now?

 

[littlelungs]

What is holding you back now? Also, if not personal, what's your method of choice?
Thank you, littlelungs; your words are greatly appreciated.

My method is nitrogen.

As for what's holding me back at this point, in a nutshell: My spouse and I are going together, but because we're both severely chronically ill, everything is significantly more strenuous, painful, difficult and time-consuming than it would be for a decently physically healthy person, and that naturally includes exit preparations, but we just want to make everything as straightforward and least painful as possible for the people who are left behind. Once everything that needs to be done is done, we can just go whenever we decide. Physically and mentally speaking, though, we've both been ready for years – if love alone were enough to save someone from years of relentless pain, illness and trauma, things would be a lot different, but unfortunately that's just not how it works. Life isn't fair, even at best, as most of us know far too well...

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

It is terrible that we can´t die with the help of doctors. No one should have to go through this terrifying event alone with the risk of failure.