I know most people don't think like this, and that's probably a good thing. But what I need everyone to understand is that this is not a cry for help.
Also, this will likely turn into a long post - apologies for that, but I promise to format it properly and make it easier to read.
Background (feel free to skip)
I suffered a lot of parental abuse during the entirety of my childhood and till much after that. I repressed most of it while it happened. Then later in life (about 13 years back) something happened - something I did, which affected me the worst, and the regret consumed me.
I went into depression. An year or so later I tried to acquire a gun to kill myself - almost succeeded in getting one too - almost. Without a gun, I made two suicide attempts using other means, that failed. So I stopped trying. But soon I started having physical manifestations from all my repressed emotions - suffered from stomach ulcers, carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands so bad that I had to quit my job, insomnia, frequent sickness, fibromyalgia for several years, and more. Finally I went into therapy, which slowly started helping, I gained some control over my pains, but all my childhood repressions came back. I saw a lot of things in a new light, understood my own past self so much better, but it also made me hate my parents for what they did to me.
Anyway, I'm a lot more functional now. Still depressed, but better equipped to deal with it.
End of life preparation
I'm not actively suicidal right now - meaning I'm not looking to kill myself in the short term. I recently read the Peaceful Pill Handbook and acquired a few different means of ending my own life. But this time it was different - having that knowledge, and access to better means, turned out to be immensely empowering.
Instead of making me want to use those means because they're right there, I feel no problem can really be too bad for me in life anymore. I have a solution that can solve everything at one go. I can use it just once, but I can use it.
It's not like if someone cuts me in traffic, I'll come back home and off myself - but say if ever in life it so happens that I become physically or financially dependent on anyone else (something that's absolutely unacceptable to me), I'll end it there.
Now I'll get into some of the specific ways it has enabled me to deal with my problems and happenings around me (These are my personal thoughts/opinions and I'm sorry if any of these offend you personally for any reason)
Optimism
I've not been an optimist for a very long time. I'm more of a realist and a cynic. And if you're a rational person, you'll probably agree that real life overlaps the pessimist's view more than the optimist's.
But being suicidal has brought me a realistic optimism that things can't go too bad for me anymore - there is a lower limit, and I choose what it is. It's a liberating feeling.
Job Security
I have a decent and comfortable job in the tech field. And while so many techies are losing their Amazon/Google/Microsoft/IBM/Twitter/Facebook jobs, and the future holds a very real possibility of my own job being lost due to AI or just shitty economy, it hasn't really worried me all that much.
I feel I don't even have to look for another job if/when that happens - I have enough savings to live comfortably, maybe even travel, for a while, and then when it'll seem like the good times are about to end, I'll end the bad times with them. Can't put a price on peace of mind.
Cruelty Around Me
Whenever I've seen cruelty around me, whether to animals, kids or minorities, it has always affected me deeply. Some videos of animal cruelty that I have seen several years back still haunt me and make me nauseated. For two years I used to run an Instagram account under a pseudonym trying to fight for minorities and their diminishing value and quality of life in this country - but my account getting blocked frequently and all the hate that I received from right-wingers finally got to me.
But now as I see death as a permanent end to all my problems, I also see it as the end of the problems of any other abused. So when I read about someone who was forced into a terrible life and committed suicide, I feel at ease that their problems are finally behind them. They are now nowhere and that's a much better place to be than here. So again, being suicidal helps me get some sleep at night and not be pained by sufferings of those that I can't help.
Religion/Atheism
I turned atheist some time back, which means I can't find comfort in an imaginary big daddy in the sky, like most people around me can. It's just me and the raw, grim reality of life as I see it. And I can see why most people need to believe there is a god, just to be able to get through their days.
I don't have that - but what I do have instead is something real and tangible, something that can actually end my problems whenever I decide.
Children
A lot of (most?) people in this country think of and treat marriage and having kids as the solution to every one of life's problems. People literally tell depressed couples "ek bachcha hone do, sab theek ho jayga (have a kid, it'll solve everything)". But when that solution doesn't work (because you've fallen in a ditch and decided having a baby in there with you will somehow improve your situation), now it's a little life that is also fucked up besides yours.
I have decided to remain childfree. This makes me free to choose when to end my problems without the immense worry of what will happen to my kid after me and the guilt of abandoning it. If I had a kid right now, I would be trapped, as I can't be so selfish - either to have it in the hope it'll solve my problems for me, or to leave it to its fate if it doesn't solve my problems.
Old Age
Getting old is scary to me - organs and functions of your body you take for granted when young, don't work anymore. You get frail, bent, and not as useful even to yourself as you once were. So I will be able to do less, but cost more (because of medical expenses). And there's the very real fear of becoming physically dependent. There's no social security here either in spite of high taxes.
But what keeps me still going one step closer to that each day is the fact that I tell myself I don't have to go all the way - I have to go only as far as I really want to, and no further. That thought really calms me down and makes living in the present easier.
Climate Change
It's a scientific fact that climate is getting worse at an increasing rate. The recent reports (Indian temperatures to cross human survivability limit in the sun in 4-5 years, and in the shade in 25-30 years) are not a hoax. I'm sure many of you saw the news reports of more than a dozen people (official count) dying from heatstroke in Maharashtra about a month back - and we haven't even reached peak summers this year yet.
But now I can decide when I don't wish to continue anymore, and I don't have my kids future to worry about either. The feeling of living only till it's nice and comfortable, can't be beat.
Present and Future of India
I'll be honest, I'm not very hopeful for the future of India. So many things are going from bad to worse. Rising population (just the endless sea of people everywhere), pollution (the air literally feels toxic so often), courts seem to lack a spine and can't stand up to regime, most of the news media is just propaganda, inflation and taxes are always rising, people hate each other more than hating the common oppressors, caste and religion being made ever-important instead of having been obsolete in current age, science being replaced by pseudoscience, history being replaced with fiction, MBBS doctors in hospitals being replaced with Ayush quacks, rights of people being replaced with fear of authority... this list is endless.
But since I don't have to suffer the long-term consequences of all this if I so choose, it helps me cope with it. I have tried to bring on change around me, but I give up. Now if I can help something, I do, but I can just as well watch shit burn around me, and catch the last flight out when the flames eventually reach me.
I could go on, but I believe I have conveyed what I set out to. I have also found some kinship in an online community that believes everyone should have a right to no longer exist. I have found people there who have expressed similar thoughts, that just having access to means to end own life at a time of their choosing truly empowers them. Some are really old/sick and only wish to go on till going on is bearable, and no more. Some have a terminally ill partner, and don't wish to continue living without them once they pass away, so they have acquired means and made plans, which in turn allows them to live their remaining days free from worrying about own future.
So like I said, being suicidal has made living easier for me, and so it has for few others.
