The Abuser's Belief System

[GoodPersonEffed]

Spoiler: Intro: source and info

I took these notes yesterday from a video. If you'd prefer to watch rather than read (or not be influenced by any notes I added that weren't from the presentation), it's on YouTube, same title, by Change My Relationship, which is a Christian-based psychology channel.

There's nothing spiritual in this presentation. I myself am not Christian, but occasionally I find some good sources from Christian authors, such as the book Boundaries. I toss out what doesn't fit with my own beliefs and keep what serves me.

This presentation served me. I'm sharing in case it can serve anyone else. It really rang true about abusers I've encountered, and it gave me some humbling information for recognizing and changing some of my own skewed beliefs and justifications for actions I didn't realize were abusive.

Please note I have almost totally replaced the use of the word victim with target of abuse. I choose not to take on "victim" as my identity (interestingly, many abusers have a victim identity that justifies to them their abusive actions. I feel more empowered to put the focus on the action: targeting someone for blame and abuse. If I left the word victim, it's because it resonated with me that the target is responding to the abuse as a victim.

An abuser has to have power in the relationship. Abuse is about power.

Four elements of abuse:

1. Control

• Abuse of power to control the target of abuse to make them do what the abuser wants.
• Punishment for not doing what the abuser wants - taking away things, money, events or privileges; silent treatment; name-calling; harsh criticism; any type of punishment that is intended to hurt or bother the target of abuse.
• When the target of abuse complains, the abuser will disregard the targeted person's feelings, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, desires and needs.
• The target of abuse thinks and believes, "We have equal power, we both have feelings, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, desires and needs."
• A victim of abuse will continually try to explain to the abuser what they feel, what they experience, what isn't right, what's going on, and why it hurt. The abuser doesn't care because that would mean there is equal power to identify and resolve issues in the relationship; equal requirement to listen; and equal weight of concerns, rights, humanity and needs.
• The abuser believes they are entitled/have the right to have their needs met and that it is only the target's responsibility to meet them; the right to special treatment; the right to demand that whatever s/he needs or wants in that moment is met and done.
• The target of abuse may do what the abuser demands and the abuser may still get mad. The abuse is inconsistent because it keeps the target off balance and therefore less powerful, less aware of the relationship dynamics and rules of conduct (gaslighting). The victim tries to figure out how to maneuver so as not to be abused and to stop the hurt. They ask themselves, "How can I manage myself in this relationship so that I am not abused?" The inconsistency is difficult and confusing, and because of it, they do not have the agency to impact or stop the abuse and hurt.

2. Justification

• The abuser believes the abuse is justified.
• Justified = "It needs to be done," e.g., one needs to be trained as a child; the other person needs to be taught "that isn't right" and to be disciplined.
• The abuser believes they have a right to control the target.
• Abusers are often competitive, don't see the relationship as one of equal partners, feeling of having to be better than the target of abuse.
• Abusers are not willing to talk about and resolve problems because that means there is a partnership and equality. If things are worked out, then the abuser loses power, which is not their goal.

3. Lack of caring that the abuse hurts the target of abuse

• The abuser does not care that the abuse hurts the target of abuse. This is difficult for a victim to grasp because they think and believe there is mutual goodwill in the relationship.
• Goodwill means you care about the other person and about the relationship, and don't want to hurt either, so you will do what it takes to keep the relationship working well and not cause pain to the other party.
• The target/victim has goodwill, the abuser does not.
• The abuser responds to complaints or criticism with disregard and a lack of concern.

4. Belief that the target of abuse makes the abuser abuse

• The abuser does not take responsbility for the abuse.
• The abuser may think that they are stopping being abusive if they say, "I promise I will not get angry with you unless you make me."
• "It's not my fault, you make me do what I do."

What needs to be done by the target of abuse in order to not be a victim:

1. Grasp that the abuser does not want to achieve understanding or resolve issues.

• If you don't grasp this, you will continue to try to explain to the abuser what is going on in the relationship and why you're feeling so hurt and abused. It will not get you anywhere.
• If you don't grasp this, you will stay stuck in slot-machining (retuning to the abuser and investing hope) and continue to receive disregard, lack of concern and abuse.

2. Grasp that the abuser does not want to treat you with respect, and does not have the regard that says, "This person is entitled to respect."

• The abuser believes only they are entitled to respect.
• If you don't grasp this, see points under 1. above.

3. Grasp that the abuser doesn't want to hear your opinions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, experience, desires or needs.

• Healthy relationships have mutual sharing, caring and concern.
• When a target of abuse shares those things, they get back abuse, e.g., ridicule, belligerence, belittling, minimizing, discounting, disregard, criticism, hurtful responses, etc.
• If you don't grasp this, see points under 1. above.

4. Grasp that the abuser does not look at you as an equal person who is entitled to the same things the abuser is entitled to.

• If you don't grasp this, see points under 1. above.

How does someone stop being abusive?

Abuse is not about anger, it is about the power and the control in the relationship, and the underlying belief systems of the abuser that allow them to feel correct or entitled to abuse.

1. The abuser needs to look at their entrenched belief systems and the roots of those belief systems.

• "This is what you have the right to do in a certain kind of relationship."
• "This is how you treat another in a certain type of relationship" -- roles, rights, power.
• Some cultures sanction abuse toward certain individuals -- children, spouses, employees, lay people in a religion, students, etc.

2. The abuser needs to look at their belief systems and change them to the following beliefs:

• I do not have the right to have power over another in a relationship.
• We are equals.
• We are partners in the relationship.
• We have equal rights.
• We both need to be regarded -- our thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs, desires and needs.
• We both need to be equally respected.
• There is no right to punish.
• There is no responsibility to punish.
• There is no option to punish.
• I do not have a right to expect the other person to meet my needs.
• I do not have a right to demand the other person do what I want.
• I do not have a right to disregard another person in a relationship, I need to give the other person my attention and concern, and empathize and care when they share their feelings, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, wants, needs, and what is going on with them.
• Disagreement and criticism from the other person are not a negation of me or of my power, but the empowered act of an equal.

3. The abuser needs to recognize that abuse is not about anger, but that they believe they have the right and are entitled to abuse.

4. The abuser needs to take responsibility for their anger, feelings and actions.

• "I don't have a right to excuse my behavior because I am upset about what someone else says or does. It is my responsibility to own my own feelings about what others say or do, and if I experience anger, to be aware of my anger and to listen to it, but not let it control me. Anger is an advisor, sometimes about me, sometimes about the other, sometimes both, but it is not the driver of the relationship nor of me."

 

[woxihuanni]

Sort of wondering how common it is for a kid to figure out how abuse works and not believe in the abusive messages (apart from momentarily, maybe).

And how it affects the abuser when the abusee says, I know how you see this therefore your message does not convince me.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

And how it affects the abuser when the abusee says, I know how you see this therefore your message does not convince me.

I think the abuser experiences rage that their target would dare to think they have such power, right, or ability. That's an attitude and an action that need "correcting."

 

[woxihuanni]

I think the abuser experiences rage that their target would dare to think they have such power, right, or ability. That's an attitude and an action that need "correcting."

"Training" is this particular one's term, I believe. He 'trains' everyone.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@woxihuanni, anger at the almighty "trainer's" attitude, not at you.

 

[woxihuanni]

@woxihuanni, anger at the almighty "trainer's" attitude, not at you.

But of course, I know.
I also like the bit about not using 'victim' but 'target'. It seems nigh on impossible for people to understand that you don't have to be a victim if you understand what is going on. But more crucially, the 'victim' is the dirty, shunned, guilty party because if you are a 'victim' and don't behave the way they want you to, then they side with the abuser and say it is all your fault.

They also don't understand that abuse is a crime, whether the target yields to being a victim or not. And dealing with crime does not happen by saying 'Sorry, darling, he's just not that into you by the looks of that :/', essentially shaming and invalidating you. Blaming you for having trusted him. Or saying you don't have to be involved. Apply all these to rape, who could openly voice such evil thoughts? And the hurt in rape is not the physical, it is precisely the same: Somebody trying to control you, obliterate you as an individual.