Venting The absolute last straw

[catastrophix]

TW: discussion of animal death

Years ago, I adopted a bearded dragon and named him Bentley. He's been the source of a lot of my happiness, and taking care of him sorta helped me take care of myself. I actually posted pictures of him on a recovery thread.

He's been sick for a little while— We were giving him medication in hopes it would help. But tonight, his body became pale with the exception of a jet black beard (when bearded dragons have a black beard, it typically means they're upset/sick/angry/ etc.) I had to do other stuff, and when I came back to check on him, he was gone.

This may sound horrible, but I kinda thought that I would be more neutral or numb to when Bentley would die. It's not that I didn't love him. I honestly don't know why I thought that I'd be numb, because I instead started hyperventilating and ugly sobbing. I had just done something extremely stressful right before I found him, so it was the last straw.

Now, I'm grieving but also feeling completely dreadful and hopeless. He was one of the only reasons I continued to live, and he's gone. I know it all probably sounds so stupid and overdramatic, but this is truly making me want to work on my CTB plans.

It's kinda like the universe is egging me on to try to CTB at this point. I know he's just a lizard, I know I have had worse things happen and have gotten through it, whatever. I'm tired so I'll end this here, but I doubt I will actually be able to sleep. Thanks for any possible support given <3

 

[PrettyKitty]

TW: discussion of animal death

Years ago, I adopted a bearded dragon and named him Bentley. He's been the source of a lot of my happiness, and taking care of him sorta helped me take care of myself. I actually posted pictures of him on a recovery thread.

He's been sick for a little while— We were giving him medication in hopes it would help. But tonight, his body became pale with the exception of a jet black beard (when bearded dragons have a black beard, it typically means they're upset/sick/angry/ etc.) I had to do other stuff, and when I came back to check on him, he was gone.

This may sound horrible, but I kinda thought that I would be more neutral or numb to when Bentley would die. It's not that I didn't love him. I honestly don't know why I thought that I'd be numb, because I instead started hyperventilating and ugly sobbing. I had just done something extremely stressful right before I found him, so it was the last straw.

Now, I'm grieving but also feeling completely dreadful and hopeless. He was one of the only reasons I continued to live, and he's gone. I know it all probably sounds so stupid and overdramatic, but this is truly making me want to work on my CTB plans.

It's kinda like the universe is egging me on to try to CTB at this point. I know he's just a lizard, I know I have had worse things happen and have gotten through it, whatever. I'm tired so I'll end this here, but I doubt I will actually be able to sleep. Thanks for any possible support given <3

Listen hon you have every right to be sad or upset over losing something important to you no matter how small or how big. That amazing lizard meant something to you and I totally understand. It's not stupid at all I really hope you feel better or reconsider CTB but I know how horrible hopelessness can feel. Much love I'm always here to talk

 

[LateForTheBus]

I understand completely. My dog was the reason I held on. She was almost 15 and had increasing health issues but was still such a happy girl. She was my literal reason for getting out of bed every day. I lost her suddenly to cancer 6 months ago and have been a wreck since. The only reason I'm still here, honestly, is that I've been too exhausted to tie up all my affairs. But I'm determined to CTB soon. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Bentley. Our animals really do keep us going, so losing them is devastating. (Hugs)

 

[Kundalini Guy]

Don't kill yourself over the death of your pet, it's totally not worth it. Sometimes this forum can get truly fkd up, decades from now you will be stressing over how you nearly killed yourself over a pet. Please just live for the sake of your parents & siblings whom love you and the potential you have as a young person.

 

[catastrophix]

Don't kill yourself over the death of your pet, it's totally not worth it. Sometimes this forum can get truly fkd up, decades from now you will be stressing over how you nearly killed yourself over a pet. Please just live for the sake of your parents & siblings whom love you and the potential you have as a young person.

I don't really have the energy or patience to explain this fully but my pet dying is not the reasons I want to CTB, his death was just a big trigger for me. Sorry for wording it weird in the initial post. Kinda baffled by this reply though, I don't think we should be dismissive of others' reasons to CTB.

Listen hon you have every right to be sad or upset over losing something important to you no matter how small or how big. That amazing lizard meant something to you and I totally understand. It's not stupid at all I really hope you feel better or reconsider CTB but I know how horrible hopelessness can feel. Much love I'm always here to talk

Thank you for this reply, it really means a lot to me. I don't really have any CTB plans for the near future because of lack of access, so I'll be trying to cope through all this. Your kindness means a lot to me, so thank you again <3

I understand completely. My dog was the reason I held on. She was almost 15 and had increasing health issues but was still such a happy girl. She was my literal reason for getting out of bed every day. I lost her suddenly to cancer 6 months ago and have been a wreck since. The only reason I'm still here, honestly, is that I've been too exhausted to tie up all my affairs. But I'm determined to CTB soon. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Bentley. Our animals really do keep us going, so losing them is devastating. (Hugs)

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog, but I bet she lived a wonderful and loving life with you :) I can relate to the exhaustion of making CTB plans too— Even if I could gain access to CTB materials, I have zero energy to carry them out. I wish you the best in your journey, whether it includes CTB or not. Thank you for this reply, I appreciate you sharing your story :)

 

[Janine]

It's absolutely understandable to be upset about the death of a pet, it is also a close loved one after all. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you can find the energy to go through your days again. I myself can't imagine my dog passing away, I understand the surreal thoughts about being neutral you had, it is definetly a very hard scenario for your mind to imagine. Stay safe and the best of luck with your current situation.

 

[FuneralCry]

The unfortunate reality is that life really is just so unnecessarily cruel, it's awful how things can easily just go wrong and continue to get worse. It's very much understandable feeling upset about that, but anyway, I wish you the best.

 

[LateForTheBus]

I don't really have the energy or patience to explain this fully but my pet dying is not the reasons I want to CTB, his death was just a big trigger for me. Sorry for wording it weird in the initial post. Kinda baffled by this reply though, I don't think we should be dismissive of others' reasons to CTB.

Thank you for this reply, it really means a lot to me. I don't really have any CTB plans for the near future because of lack of access, so I'll be trying to cope through all this. Your kindness means a lot to me, so thank you again <3

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog, but I bet she lived a wonderful and loving life with you :) I can relate to the exhaustion of making CTB plans too— Even if I could gain access to CTB materials, I have zero energy to carry them out. I wish you the best in your journey, whether it includes CTB or not. Thank you for this reply, I appreciate you sharing your story :)

In the midst of your grief, you still wrote out such kind and thoughtful replies to everyone. Sending you love and wishing you the best. ((Hugs))