TLDR : this is just a vent and very clumsily written so not very worthwile to read but hey you can if you want + i am just upset about me not being dead yet
i feel a hell lot like crying, like like idk what. i think i want someone to tell me it's alright because that's how i escape everytime.
alright so i am not trying to sound weak, i am not and i am not making it look like i want attention or anything i don't i just, i want an escape and i want to forget about this incident i just had and the continous overthinking that's following it.
i told everybdy from school/college that i might just die or sumn and i had my reasons so people did think that as a possibility, for the apst 4-5 months i haven't recieved anyone's calls and people stopped botheringand( iam making all these tyypos it's frustrating sorry. ) ihave gone into complete social exclusion of some sort and i was okay with it. i stopped meeting with people because my family was giving me a hard time about it. and that is the reason why i stopped taking any calls, i cut off with everyone or they did with me. no one wanted anything to do with me now.
so i was socially excluded and some thougght it's because i was suicidal ( initial reference ). now today some people ( some past friends- not exactly friends, they envy me and hate me or idk but keep close irl type) came to my house unanounced. ofc my parents gave me a look like i was still in touch with them so they were gonna be really hard on me for that but my aunt's here so i don't have to face anyone's wrath or anything. now i started shaking really fucking bad once i saw them at the door, everyone in my family looking at me. before i could process anything they came in and sat down and my grandfather started talking to them about what they're doing in their lives and whatnot. they were both successful and they tried to brag about it, smiling and shrugging whatnot. my aunt asked us to leave the house and go out to talk ( dad was gonna come and give them a hard time, that's why ). we 3 ( including me ) went out and i was shaking nervously all the time. they started the conversation with- " oh we didn't wanna be here anyhow, we were just passing by. we got no interest or time to be here but yk" and i was so messed up in my mind about this statement. i- i was really pissed but i couldn't show it. they were talking all condescending and shit, laughing and making fun of my appearance of lying inside my house for so much time and not meeting any other mutua friends in a lot of time. joking about my depression and mental illnesses but all the time acting like they were still my friends. i couldn't speak much and i was looking here and there so they might have thought of it as a rude behaviour prolly, my fault, i am sorry ( honestly ). but i couldn't help myself at the time. shortly after, i asked them to leave.
now i am really fucking anxious because of all the remarks they made on me, all teh jokes about my illness everything and idk i just fucking hate it all. they are great gossipers ( if that's a word ), they would talk to every other person around of how i am a liar and i never really became dead and i just liead and i am weird and it all just sucks.
i hope i wasn't this judgemental but i can't run from it never !!
even scared of how the reader would judge me knowing i wasted so much of their time, so so fucking sorry. this was a vent then ig
i just wish i was dead by now or i could at the very least have a means to do it. i loathe the fact that i never succeeded with my methods.
any thoughts on how to numb the anxious thoughts, the shivering or overthinking ?
thankyou
i feel a hell lot like crying, like like idk what. i think i want someone to tell me it's alright because that's how i escape everytime.
alright so i am not trying to sound weak, i am not and i am not making it look like i want attention or anything i don't i just, i want an escape and i want to forget about this incident i just had and the continous overthinking that's following it.
i told everybdy from school/college that i might just die or sumn and i had my reasons so people did think that as a possibility, for the apst 4-5 months i haven't recieved anyone's calls and people stopped botheringand( iam making all these tyypos it's frustrating sorry. ) ihave gone into complete social exclusion of some sort and i was okay with it. i stopped meeting with people because my family was giving me a hard time about it. and that is the reason why i stopped taking any calls, i cut off with everyone or they did with me. no one wanted anything to do with me now.
so i was socially excluded and some thougght it's because i was suicidal ( initial reference ). now today some people ( some past friends- not exactly friends, they envy me and hate me or idk but keep close irl type) came to my house unanounced. ofc my parents gave me a look like i was still in touch with them so they were gonna be really hard on me for that but my aunt's here so i don't have to face anyone's wrath or anything. now i started shaking really fucking bad once i saw them at the door, everyone in my family looking at me. before i could process anything they came in and sat down and my grandfather started talking to them about what they're doing in their lives and whatnot. they were both successful and they tried to brag about it, smiling and shrugging whatnot. my aunt asked us to leave the house and go out to talk ( dad was gonna come and give them a hard time, that's why ). we 3 ( including me ) went out and i was shaking nervously all the time. they started the conversation with- " oh we didn't wanna be here anyhow, we were just passing by. we got no interest or time to be here but yk" and i was so messed up in my mind about this statement. i- i was really pissed but i couldn't show it. they were talking all condescending and shit, laughing and making fun of my appearance of lying inside my house for so much time and not meeting any other mutua friends in a lot of time. joking about my depression and mental illnesses but all the time acting like they were still my friends. i couldn't speak much and i was looking here and there so they might have thought of it as a rude behaviour prolly, my fault, i am sorry ( honestly ). but i couldn't help myself at the time. shortly after, i asked them to leave.
now i am really fucking anxious because of all the remarks they made on me, all teh jokes about my illness everything and idk i just fucking hate it all. they are great gossipers ( if that's a word ), they would talk to every other person around of how i am a liar and i never really became dead and i just liead and i am weird and it all just sucks.
i hope i wasn't this judgemental but i can't run from it never !!
even scared of how the reader would judge me knowing i wasted so much of their time, so so fucking sorry. this was a vent then ig
i just wish i was dead by now or i could at the very least have a means to do it. i loathe the fact that i never succeeded with my methods.
any thoughts on how to numb the anxious thoughts, the shivering or overthinking ?
thankyou
