So I decided to ctb in July. This gives time with my husband before I leave. I'll tell him I have to go on a business trip in July and then I'll head off to a hotel. I feel like I'm getting on everyone's nerves and I'm sick of feeling so worthless. I wish I could just do it now. This week has been one of the hardest mentally. I feel like don't deserve to live since I can't handle life. Thanks for dealing with me on this site for so long. I'll hopefully be gone this summer and out of the way. I'll finally have relief from these constant body aches. I'll deal with some discomfort from sn as long as it works.
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Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,328
I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much and I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. I wish you the best in whatever happens, I hope you find relief from your pain.
Do you have a physical condition then? I relate to the constant body aches and being self conscious about getting on peoples nerves. For what it's worth I think people with tendency to look at things that way are often unnecessarily hard on themselves.
It sucks that you can't talk to and tell your husband about it. I wish I could tell and prepare my loved ones for it.
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No, my problem is I get so tense because of my anxiety my body starts to ache. I always hate myself and feel worthless. I'll be easily forgettable. I wish I could tell my husband my plans so we can have a final goodbye but he will definitely try and stop me.
So one question I have for people on this forum- do I seem selfish leaving my husband like this? I'm spending the next 2 months with him and I'll be writing down passwords so he can pay the bills. Plus he will get a little bit of life insurance money to get him and my mother through for a few years. I'm just worried he is going to hate me after my death. That may sound stupid but I'm just being honest. This is bothering more than actual ctbing. Once I'm in the hotel room the process is going to be started.
locked*n*loaded
Archangel
- Apr 15, 2022
- 8,887
He'll go through the normal grieving process wherein one of the feelings he'll have for a time is anger, not hate. He'll be angry you left him. It's just a normal part of the process. It's a pass-through emotion on the way to acceptance. May I ask if you have tried any treatments for your anxiety? there are lots out there. Or, is there something more?
I've tried all the treatments I can afford. I spent a week in a mental health facility which was a waste. I've changed my meds, made positive changes in my life yet I go right back into depression state and now I'm back to my anxiety so bad my body aches. I don't what else to do but just end it all. My husband knows of my mental problems and knows I've been suicidal but I haven't told him I've been suicidal again. I don't want him to worry about me. I have the most self hatred ever. I feel like I don't deserve to live. Sorry for the long answer, just getting feelings out.
This is one of my hardest things as well. Leaving my partner behind if I CTB. I'm not old, but not in my 20s either. If I was gone he would still have time to find someone new and start a family (we don't have children because of my health issues) but he might be a little bit of an older dad. So I feel a lot of guilt that if I left now he would bee angry that this whole thing with me was a waste of time when he could've been with someone healthier and happier and had already had a family by now. He's doesn't actually particularly want kids, he's fine either way, but I keep thinking I'm holding him back. Like if I was in my twenties, I wouldn't feel guilty coz I'd think, he's still so young there's plenty of time. And if we were over 50 I'd think ok, well we had a good run but at this age it's so awkward. I'm sorry I don't have advice for you, but I feel the same :(
It sucks. My husband will find a guy much better looking and a nicer person than me. At least I hope he does. He deserves it after dealing with me. He is in his 50s and I'm 45 so he still has many years left to spend with someone special.
Just a heads up, have you checked your life insurance policy for terms surrounding payouts in the event of suicide? They're ass holes.
Yeah, I checked on it and we are good. They can be crooks sometimes
I wish I could tell him goodbye
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Just told my husband I'm going on a "business trip for work " in July. I feel bad for lying but he can't know the truth. I'm testing my sn this weekend and booking the hotel next month when i decide where. Plans can always change but July is still my target month.
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