Venting tempting fate

[willitpass]

i've not been actively suicidal as of late and thus have not been attempting or planning any method. however i have begun doing little "science experiments" on myself, testing the limits of my body in ways that may bite me in the ass later in life. i accidentally inhaled a lot of bleach and glass cleaner at work a couple of weeks ago and my lungs burned so bad i called poison control. after the symptoms subsided the next day, i decided to start inhaling them intentionally to see what happened. nothing happened after multiple attempts so i gave up. now i have been consuming very large amounts of caffeine to see what happens. i had two monster energy drinks last night around 10pm. i needless to say did not sleep much. this morning i had a caffeinated breakfast bar with 65mg of caffeine and am drinking a cup of coffee. i plan on having a kickstart sometime soon. i know this is a bad idea and if it goes too far it will hurt like a mother fucked but i don't care anymore if i'm being honest. i don't mind pain

 

[Someone123]

i've not been actively suicidal as of late and thus have not been attempting or planning any method. however i have begun doing little "science experiments" on myself, testing the limits of my body in ways that may bite me in the ass later in life. i accidentally inhaled a lot of bleach and glass cleaner at work a couple of weeks ago and my lungs burned so bad i called poison control. after the symptoms subsided the next day, i decided to start inhaling them intentionally to see what happened. nothing happened after multiple attempts so i gave up. now i have been consuming very large amounts of caffeine to see what happens. i had two monster energy drinks last night around 10pm. i needless to say did not sleep much. this morning i had a caffeinated breakfast bar with 65mg of caffeine and am drinking a cup of coffee. i plan on having a kickstart sometime soon. i know this is a bad idea and if it goes too far it will hurt like a mother fucked but i don't care anymore if i'm being honest. i don't mind pain

I do think that damaging your health is really not a good approach- it will just make your life work. For ctb I would either make a full effort to do this or don't do it at all- halfway things will just make your life worse in my opinion.

 

[willitpass]

I do think that damaging your health is really not a good approach- it will just make your life work. For ctb I would either make a full effort to do this or don't do it at all- halfway things will just make your life worse in my opinion.

that's the thing: i don't care. i no longer care if my life is a living hell. i've already been in a mental hell my entire life and i do not care if i am in physical hell as well. i know that i very well may regret it and i know that it will be painful and i know it may even push me to actually ctb but i don't care

 

[willitpass]

i drank a kickstart and another energy drink within a half hour and my heart rate isn't even that high. fuck. i just want to see something happen

 

[leavinghope]

I regularly drink like 8-10 energy drinks per day. You would probably need to drink more for what you're trying to achieve.

I don't think you should, however. I don't know much about what you are going through but "I will probably regret it" usually implies it's a bad idea. If you truly didn't care, you won't regret at all. I have done a lot of retarded shit following exactly this line of "reasoning". I regret all of it and, I wish I didn't act in such a reckless manner. It made my life so much worse. Please reconsider your "experiments". Don't make things worse for yourself, unnecessarily. The worst thing about life is that it can always get worse.

 

[Foresight]

8-10? My Lord. That's crazy, and I am an avid caffeine user. I'm usually close to 300 mg a day.

I agree that this is not the best way to approach suicidal thoughts. If and when you're ready you'll know, and it's a heavy decision. As of now try to take care of yourself the best you can.