Discussion Tell me your stories of losing a loved one (especially complex grief)

[Space_Road_1979]

My boyfriend killed himself last year and I haven't gotten over it. I am a young adult so none of my friends can really relate to me, they've lost grandparents or a pet at most but not someone so close. Even then they don't like my boyfriend (they have valid reasons but I still love him) so I can't talk about him without making them uncomfortable or angry. My Mum has a tough it out attitude, so I felt pressured to go back to university a month after his death and I only got a month off because I was on semester break. It's been a very lonely experience, my specific combination of grief has made it hard to relate to anyone. I can't get him out of my brain, I'm endlessly missing him and I can't help but want to join him (I have already failed so many times).

So if you lost a loved one tell me your story. Tell me what they were like, how they died (if you want), the grieving process, etc. I just need something to make me feel less alone in all this. Maybe SaSu isn't the place for all this but other forums are painfully sanitised and filled with fake positivity. I'm sick of hearing about how "things will get better" or how "he wouldn't want me to be sad".

Thank you!

 

[enjoytheride]

I am very sorry for your loss. May his soul rest in light and peace.

A very dear uncle of mine passed away last November. I live about 6 hours by car away from the town where he lived. I am sad not only because we lost him and I had hoped he had more years of life ahead, but also because I think relatives and friends could have done more to help him get proper treatment and medical care. So there is sadness mixed with frustration and disappointment.

 

[CatLvr]

I lost my husband of 24 years last week. He had been ill for a while, but nothing life-threatening (or so we thought). At least it wasn't life-threatening until he stopped taking medication for a chronic issue he had.

We had what can only be described as a complicated relationship. Additionally, he made some financial decisions and neglected to tell me. While I can acknowledge that he was a competent adult, and therefore I respect his decisions, what I will never understand (because I cannot wrap my mind around doing what he did to me without at least TELLING the person I was supposedly closest to and said I loved more than anyone else) his need to "get even" with me over a disagreement.

On top of that family on his side disliked me. And family on my side disliked him. So ... No matter what either of us did, the survivor in our relationship was gonna have a difficult time. And that has just added to the issues that come with surviving a spouse.

How you feel about the people doing and saying the conventional platitudes is pretty much how I feel also. I'm not sure how losing the love of your life "gets better over time". Get different?? Sure. Especially if I choose to focus on the GOOD that we had between us. But not better. How to could that ever be "better"??

And how would ANYONE know better than you how he would want you to feel?? THAT has NEVER made sense to me for people to say that -- especially when they were talking about a man I knew more about they they could ever dream of knowing. Why? Because these people didn't hold him when he cried night after night after night when his daughter passed away. On the contrary, these same family members were quick to judge him because it was "clear" to them he didn't care. What?? How would they know -- they hadn't spoken to him for an hour in the WHOLE 24-25 years I knew him. Well, not unless they WANTED something from him. Usually money.

It is true -- I am a lifetime older than you -- literally, but I can and do sympathize with the position you find yourself in. Grief is a strange taskmaster. We each deal with it in our own way and NO ONE has the right to tell you (or even allude to the fact) you are doing it "wrong". You don't owe anyone an explanation. You do not have to pretend things are okay when they are not. The people making you feel that way do not deserve any further consideration from you, and quite frankly, should be grateful you have been as gracious as you have been up to this point. Tell them, however you see fit, to get fucked. And then "sit" with your feelings, have a "conversation" -- I have had several in the last week with my late husband -- with your boyfriend and live your life, going forward, like YOU feel is appropriate. My most sincere condolences on your loss, dear.

 

[Space_Road_1979]

I lost my husband of 24 years last week. He had been ill for a while, but nothing life-threatening (or so we thought). At least it wasn't life-threatening until he stopped taking medication for a chronic issue he had.

We had what can only be described as a complicated relationship. Additionally, he made some financial decisions and neglected to tell me. While I can acknowledge that he was a competent adult, and therefore I respect his decisions, what I will never understand (because I cannot wrap my mind around doing what he did to me without at least TELLING the person I was supposedly closest to and said I loved more than anyone else) his need to "get even" with me over a disagreement.

On top of that family on his side disliked me. And family on my side disliked him. So ... No matter what either of us did, the survivor in our relationship was gonna have a difficult time. And that has just added to the issues that come with surviving a spouse.

How you feel about the people doing and saying the conventional platitudes is pretty much how I feel also. I'm not sure how losing the love of your life "gets better over time". Get different?? Sure. Especially if I choose to focus on the GOOD that we had between us. But not better. How to could that ever be "better"??

And how would ANYONE know better than you how he would want you to feel?? THAT has NEVER made sense to me for people to say that -- especially when they were talking about a man I knew more about they they could ever dream of knowing. Why? Because these people didn't hold him when he cried night after night after night when his daughter passed away. On the contrary, these same family members were quick to judge him because it was "clear" to them he didn't care. What?? How would they know -- they hadn't spoken to him for an hour in the WHOLE 24-25 years I knew him. Well, not unless they WANTED something from him. Usually money.

It is true -- I am a lifetime older than you -- literally, but I can and do sympathize with the position you find yourself in. Grief is a strange taskmaster. We each deal with it in our own way and NO ONE has the right to tell you (or even allude to the fact) you are doing it "wrong". You don't owe anyone an explanation. You do not have to pretend things are okay when they are not. The people making you feel that way do not deserve any further consideration from you, and quite frankly, should be grateful you have been as gracious as you have been up to this point. Tell them, however you see fit, to get fucked. And then "sit" with your feelings, have a "conversation" -- I have had several in the last week with my late husband -- with your boyfriend and live your life, going forward, like YOU feel is appropriate. My most sincere condolences on your loss, dear.

This is really sweet thank you so much. My condolences also to your husband, haven't reached my 24th so I can't imagine how much more devastating losing someone you've known for that long and held so close must be. And I hope your husband's family or anyone else bothering you gets off your back and lets your grieve.

Your one of the few older people who haven't told me how it "gets better over time" or anything else along those lines. I know where they are coming from, having more experience and probably not knowing what else to say to help me get over it, but it feels like it's too messy and they want me to be quiet. To be fair my friends probably haven't said anything like that to me because they are either glad he's gone (which I'm very much not) or know I'm kind of hard to comfort.

Thank you for sharing and being here even if you're probably across the globe from me.