Tell me not to

[Tesha]

I'm a long term, middle age poster, who's struggling.

I have kids, I have my own house, I have an amazing job, I have loving family, I have immediate access to N (I won't respond to people who ask about the N).

I'm ready, but I'm not. I want to die, but I don't. I want peace in my head, but that means death. WTF do I do? My heart, head, soul, meaning for living has gone. But I can't do this to my family - they don't deserve this, but I do.

Taking my own life really is the hardest decision I've ever had to make and I don't want to take it. But, I'm at the point where I'm probably needing to.

I'm old enough to know I still have choices, but my head is so full of self destruction it's blocking the choices out. I had the aptitude and resolve to change the world around me, now I can't even be bothered to change my clothes.

This is probably just a rant, but I need to hear feedback.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Maybe it won't work but, have you ever tried any form of therapy? It doesn't sound to me like you 100% want out. Sorry if I've got that wrong. Is this a recent occurence? Could it be something like depression?

I guess it depends on your feelings about this. Some people are very resistant to acknowledging their ideation could be down to something like depression. Others directly attribute it to mental illness. I guess it depends on how you perceive it and, what you feel willing to try. Do you think you could 'get better'? Do you want to? Are you willing to put your faith in trying to?

I suspect a large part of therapy is being open enough to take stuff on board. So- for me- it doesn't appeal. I'm terribly stubborn. I know that I'm just not open to that at the moment. I don't actually want to 'get better'. You sound as if you have more things you might want to recover for. Just depends on whether that's enough to motivate you I guess. Personally- I think that's the crux of 'recovery'- you have to want it.

When I went to see a college therapist years ago, she recognised that I had been unhappy for a very long period. So- she referred me to my GP for antidepressants. I have to say for me- they didn't work and I'm not too keen on the idea of relying on drugs. Again though- it really depends on what you have tried and what you feel open to try.

To me- it sounds like you need to reach out to someone the most. Doesn't have to be your family- if you don't want to worry them. I don't know really- maybe your GP (local doctor). Just to tell them you are struggling and don't know what to do. They may be able to refer you to someone. I hope things get better.

 

[Meditation guide]

I'm a long term, middle age poster, who's struggling.

I have kids, I have my own house, I have an amazing job, I have loving family, I have immediate access to N (I won't respond to people who ask about the N).

I'm ready, but I'm not. I want to die, but I don't. I want peace in my head, but that means death. WTF do I do? My heart, head, soul, meaning for living has gone. But I can't do this to my family - they don't deserve this, but I do.

Taking my own life really is the hardest decision I've ever had to make and I don't want to take it. But, I'm at the point where I'm probably needing to.

I'm old enough to know I still have choices, but my head is so full of self destruction it's blocking the choices out. I had the aptitude and resolve to change the world around me, now I can't even be bothered to change my clothes.

This is probably just a rant, but I need to hear feedback.

Hi have you had your thyroid checked? I had terrible depression until I found I had hypothyroidism and got meds for that. It resolved over about two weeks. Now I have other reasons to want to but you sound like you have a great way to go. I know severe depression and what it feels like, it's unbearable. If you feel like I've felt at my lowest from it I know what I would do. It's your decision but do make sure it's not a physical problem, could even be b12 deficiency.

 

[saddavyd]

You have achieved success in life. You have a family who love you. I think you owe it to yourself to do everything you can to get through this way of thinking.

You seem to have made your mind up that the only way to get peace is to ctb. That is faulty thinking. First of all you won't get peace, you will just end your life. Secondly it is not the only way to get peace. Remaining alive is the most likely way you will achieve peace in your life, and peace for your family too. There are always different way of looking at things.

Try to change your thinking. This might require therapy, especially if you have been set in this way of thinking for some time. These are just my thoughts. I wish you well.

 

[carac]

What steps have you taken so far to explore what might be making you feel this way?
Without knowing anything else my instinct would be that you experienced some kind of trauma that you haven't resolved.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Obviously you don't know y u want to die? At least I think so bc from what you said you have everything from what a lot of people are dreaming bc they can't have that kind of life.

You should figure out what's causing your suicidal thoughts and why you think of CTB. Then you can either work on that point or decide that CTB is the one and only option to solve that problem.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I guess it all comes down to how far gone you are.
Is the thought of living more frightening than the thought of dying ?
Does existence feel so pointless and meaningless that despite having good things in life, non-existence seems more preferable ?

 

[therem]

If in yourself you know that you've got all these objectively fantastic things going for you in your life, you clearly just at a point where your mind is very clouded. There are many things that can contribute to this, mentally, and physically, and you can have literally no idea what even if your brain is screaming that there's something wrong.

Whilst ctb is an apparent option, it sounds like that might be a few leaps for you. I'd honestly see a doctor. I know they can be preachy, but they're the ones that can check for issues. Since you know you've got things going for you, and you cherish them, it's worth seeing a doctor so you can maybe keep that whilst also not feeling like that.

It can be a long process, but you can take solace in the fact that there's a way out if none of it works.

 

[Tesha]

Thanks all for responding.

I have CPTSD, with visual and physical flashbacks and MDD related to childhood sexual abuse and other life events. Over the years, I've tried over 20 psychotropics with no improvements, had years of therapy, and multiple out patient / in patient treatments.

I know I should be grateful for everything I have. But, it means nothing, because I don't have peace in my head. I suppose I'm just so tired of trying to live for everyone else. CTB would be the only real thing I've ever really done for myself, if that makes sense.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

That makes a lot of sense. Abuse and trauma can have some terrible long-term consequences.

It sounds like you've tried everything. Have you expressed your suicidal thoughts to a therapist? I'm always concerned about that because they can take steps to intervene. But in your case, it may keep you alive.

As difficult as it is to deal with this, I think you should keep trying, for the sake of your family — your children. Persistence may eventually lead to the right therapist or right treatment for you.

If it was just you and your decision was unlikely to affect anyone else, then I think it's okay to say, "I've tried enough." But when there are children, don't you want to keep trying to give the best parent they can possibly have?

 

[carac]

It sounds like you have been through an awful lot and have been extremely brave. It's good that you know what the issue is but frustrating that you have tried so much and still be where you are.
Personally I am not a fan of drugs, I think they can help you in the short term but long term use can mess you up but not it's not permanent.
I'm sure you have tried everything and you're exhausted so I feel like this advice is kind of offensive but have you tried all avenues? I know some people benefit from talking to other victims of SA and sharing their stories, some even confront their abusers or try to understand what happened. I know it's very uncomfortable to think about, I'm sorry.