woofwag
Bad dog
- Sep 17, 2025
- 167
I have DID. In other words, there's people in my brain. It's been primarily me (Eulogy) fronting recently, along with our host. Ever since we got word that we actually didn't receive our degree and would need 5 more credits, both the host and I have shoved every other alter out of the front/headspace. So, when we do die, technically we'll also be murdering roughly fifty other people.
It's weird to think about... but another huge reason for why I'm doing this in the first place is because over a year ago, over 3/4 of my system abandoned me. Right in the midst of recovering the worst trauma we went through, they up and vanished, descending deep into the inner world where we haven't had any communication or help from them. Imagine growing up with 24/7 care from multiple people. Always talking, always helping each other. Sometimes fighting, sometimes holding each other for dear life because it's all you can do. Having them help share the burden of the trauma. Even falling in love with one another. Imagine having your entire life defined by your attachments to these people, and one day, without so much as a fucking goodbye, they're gone. And they don't come back. Yeah. Of course I want to fucking die.
I was never able to go fully commit to any of my previous attempts because they would stop me before I did it, or stop me halfway through. Now there's no barrier. And I guess I will be murdering them, since I am sure many of them don't want this. But at this point it's my life. I've had to endure recovering the traumatic memories, dealing with school, friendships, self-care, therapy, and all of the boring logistical shit that they would normally help with.
It sucks. There were some things I kind of wanted to do. Small things, but still. But I can't without them. And I have almost no more money left. So much for us being a "family" like they always said. Now I really am nothing but a Eulogy: a collection of memories and sentiments playing itself out despite already being dead.
It's weird to think about... but another huge reason for why I'm doing this in the first place is because over a year ago, over 3/4 of my system abandoned me. Right in the midst of recovering the worst trauma we went through, they up and vanished, descending deep into the inner world where we haven't had any communication or help from them. Imagine growing up with 24/7 care from multiple people. Always talking, always helping each other. Sometimes fighting, sometimes holding each other for dear life because it's all you can do. Having them help share the burden of the trauma. Even falling in love with one another. Imagine having your entire life defined by your attachments to these people, and one day, without so much as a fucking goodbye, they're gone. And they don't come back. Yeah. Of course I want to fucking die.
I was never able to go fully commit to any of my previous attempts because they would stop me before I did it, or stop me halfway through. Now there's no barrier. And I guess I will be murdering them, since I am sure many of them don't want this. But at this point it's my life. I've had to endure recovering the traumatic memories, dealing with school, friendships, self-care, therapy, and all of the boring logistical shit that they would normally help with.
It sucks. There were some things I kind of wanted to do. Small things, but still. But I can't without them. And I have almost no more money left. So much for us being a "family" like they always said. Now I really am nothing but a Eulogy: a collection of memories and sentiments playing itself out despite already being dead.
