• ⚠️ UK Access Block Notice: Beginning July 1, 2025, this site will no longer be accessible from the United Kingdom. This is a voluntary decision made by the site's administrators. We were not forced or ordered to implement this block. If you're located in the UK, we recommend using a VPN to maintain access.

sadlystillgoing3

sadlystillgoing3

Member
Feb 3, 2019
54
WELL FOLKS- FUCK ME!! It's like the universe is screaming to just kill myself. But I'm a failure and I can't even do that.

I am suspected (by a psychiatrist) to have borderline personality, and when I was 18 and 19 I got a lot of tattoos. Last year I started getting them removed because I also have OCD and I obsess over them and how much I hate them. Well, within that timeframe, I've relapsed and "recovered" twice from anorexia. I am currently relapsed again.

I saw progress for a little bit but it's been stagnant for the past 5 sessions. No change at all. I already switched clinics because the only tech at the first one quit. This clinic is way more professional (and only does tattoo removals) and uses a better laser. They said they'd tell me if it wasn't budging before I began treatments. I had one yesterday and the tech was like, "wow! looks great!!" and seemed very pleased. They take pictures before every session, too...but I take pics too and haven't seen any more fading.

I posted my progress to reddit and, to my surprise, people said my progress was "unacceptable," anxiously asking if I smoke and how long I go b/t sessions so they don't end up in the same hell-hole as me.

I tried researching immune system and anorexia and there's conflicting stuff. But I honestly NEVER get sick. Like, it has been years. And when I got my tattoos, they healed completely fine. I also had labs done during my prior relapse and my white blood cell count was slightly elevated (still normal), which would mean my immune system is working???? I think????

They are on my wrist and lower arm and who knows what ink the artist used, so I honestly thought my progress was expected. Now I feel hopeless and even more motivated to kill myself. One of my main reasons for not trying again was that my tattoos could be removed and I'd feel more confident. Well, that is not happening.

It's a cruel cycle. I can't get my tattoos removed because of my ED, yet I can't recover from my ED. I am so embarrassed. I can't live with my ugly tattoos and I can't live without my ED. Guess I need to die.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Hurt, Sea Turtle, b&w and 2 others
sadbadpsychogirl

sadbadpsychogirl

sonofabitch
May 29, 2020
725
i have a few fucked up tattoos that i would like to get fixed, but since i'll be dead soon it doesn't bother me. you are lucky to have the money and pain tolerance for removal. i hope you can find what you need:hug:
 

Similar threads

J
Replies
2
Views
256
Suicide Discussion
thelastmessiah
thelastmessiah
Grog
Replies
6
Views
440
Suicide Discussion
Grog
Grog
Paizen
Replies
2
Views
464
Suicide Discussion
Sando_1737
S
ctb★prince
Replies
0
Views
249
Suicide Discussion
ctb★prince
ctb★prince