Talking about it does fuck all

[justaquicksnooze]

I've only told one person in my life how depressed I truly am, I never told them that I wanted to ctb but I was pretty open about how awful I feel. The night I opened up to them I was planning to jump off a 17 story building, but after talking to them I felt more hopeful for the future and decided not to.

That was 2 months ago, and for the last couple weeks that friend has barely talked to me. I know they're not busy because they routinely hang out with other friends, just not me. I feel so fucking stupid now for missing out on that opportunity to ctb, I had everything set out perfectly, had all my belongings packed away, and would've been going out on a high note. Now the jumping method isn't available to me anymore and my life has gone even more downhill.

I'm so fucking angry at myself for letting someone who doesn't care about me as much as I thought talk me into ruining my perfect suicide, and I'm angry at them for telling me that things would get better then ghosting me. I've spent the past week agonising over this, while I know they don't spend a second thinking about me

After this I don't want to reach out to any friends anymore, it makes everything so much worse. None of my friends want to talk to me anyway, if I told them how I feel it would just seem like I'm manipulating them into spending more time with me and inviting me to stuff. I just want to slowly disappear from their lives.

I just needed to vent about this, going to start prepping for ctb via partial suspension hanging tonight.

 

[dumpstermagic]

one of my friends did it without telling us. even though we all knew he was depressed, we all were. we didnt ghost him or anything. i know he did it that way on purpose. seeing him in the hospital bed, black bruised face with 2 pieces of gauze over his temples.. i do wish he'd reached out. but at the same time i was and am glad he doesn't have to suffer anymore. friends are not the end all be all to life. we also don't owe each other anything. one way or the other, i hope you get what you want.

 

[justaquicksnooze]

one of my friends did it without telling us. even though we all knew he was depressed, we all were. we didnt ghost him or anything. i know he did it that way on purpose. seeing him in the hospital bed, black bruised face with 2 pieces of gauze over his temples.. i do wish he'd reached out. but at the same time i was and am glad he doesn't have to suffer anymore. friends are not the end all be all to life. we also don't owe each other anything. one way or the other, i hope you get what you want.

Thanks for the reply. I know my friend doesn't owe me anything, I mainly feel angry at myself for letting myself believe things could get better. I know I should try and find fulfillment outside of friendships, but I don't think it's possible.

 

[Midnight-rain]

Reading this is so heartbreaking. How people can turn their backs on their friends especially when they're struggling is something I will never understand. And you just know these kinds of people are the ones to publicly exclaim that they wish they could've done more once someone does ctb. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[dumpstermagic]

Thanks for the reply. I know my friend doesn't owe me anything, I mainly feel angry at myself for letting myself believe things could get better. I know I should try and find fulfillment outside of friendships, but I don't think it's possible.

it can be really hard! for me it took being homeless and traveling everywhere and even after a decade of that i still know im not gonna wait to waste away. my lifestyle will kill me well before then. fulfillment is only gauged by our dreams and what we want from ourselves, so that's really subjective and we all gotta either find the answers or say fuck it and bow out. there's nothing wrong with just ending it.

 

[justaquicksnooze]

I appreciate your words, but I don't blame my friend for not wanting to hang out with me. I'm not a fun or interesting person, I'm shit at hiding how depressed I feel so I just drain the life out of every conversation I have. I wouldn't want to be friends with me either lol

 

[SilentSadness]

It makes sense that you're angry at missing a ctb opportunity, I would as well in this sickening world. I think people just don't want to get involved with a suicidal person, which I suppose is much better than them getting involved and getting you in trouble. I wish it was easier to ctb, there's really nothing worth missing in this world other than a ctb opportunity. I hope your life doesn't continue like this.

 

[liffey]

I don't blame my friend for not wanting to hang out with me. I'm not a fun or interesting person, I'm shit at hiding how depressed I feel so I just drain the life out of every conversation I have. I wouldn't want to be friends with me either lol

This is too relatable. I'm also a boring person and it feels like people agreeing to hanging out with me is just an act of sympathy. After all, they don't need me anyways and I'm just draining their happiness. It's hard when it's the only source of fulfillment but doing so feels like burdening other people. I feel sorry for you and wish you the best.

 

[FuneralCry]

The reality is that talking is completely useless, words are meaningless and they don't take away the fact that there is no relief from suffering in this world. Other people don't care really and you just cannot rely on them. As humans we are certainly all alone, and anyway false hope only just leads to more pain and exists just to be taken away. Your feelings towards this and anger at the fact that you are still here are completely understandable.