Taking someone off the pedestal you propped them on

[Pryras]

How do I stop putting someone who hurt me on a high pedestal? I thought it would be rather easy by just remembering how awful they were as a person but it's not working and I'm still having trouble with it.

 

[madbananas]

How do I stop putting someone who hurt me on a high pedestal? I thought it would be rather easy by just remembering how awful they were as a person but it's not working and I'm still having trouble with it.

I don't have a robust answer for you as I experience the same. It's actually a repeated cycle in my life which I'm actively having to overcome.
firstly, I would suggest YouTube videos about self worth and spirituality. They are very empowering.
For me, going forward, I will always remember and implement the phrase "Treat someone like a celebrity and they will treat you like a fan" into my life. The law of attraction theory might help you with this as well (it has done for me, making me realise no matter what, I am still a human like everyone else).
Anyway, I hope this helps and I can appreciate how hard it is. I've attached a couple of videos. The second one is about detaching from your twin flame, which may or may not resonate with you but either way it's good for detaching from the person. There are many other videos from these people which have been so helpful for me in dealing with being ghosted by a person I was unhealthily dependent on (not saying this is what is going on in your case but still might be worth a look)

 

[Pryras]

I don't have a robust answer for you as I experience the same. It's actually a repeated cycle in my life which I'm actively having to overcome.
firstly, I would suggest YouTube videos about self worth and spirituality. They are very empowering.
For me, going forward, I will always remember and implement the phrase "Treat someone like a celebrity and they will treat you like a fan" into my life. The law of attraction theory might help you with this as well (it has done for me, making me realise no matter what, I am still a human like everyone else).
Anyway, I hope this helps and I can appreciate how hard it is. I've attached a couple of videos. The second one is about detaching from your twin flame, which may or may not resonate with you but either way it's good for detaching from the person. There are many other videos from these people which have been so helpful for me in dealing with being ghosted by a person I was unhealthily dependent on (not saying this is what is going on in your case but still might be worth a look)

Thank you for these I wish I could change my mindset and let go of people, it's really tough as you have experienced as well. It's so strange how much importance I can place on one person and not focus that on my own life instead.

 

[madbananas]

Thank you for these ❤ I wish I could change my mindset and let go of people, it's really tough as you have experienced as well. It's so strange how much importance I can place on one person and not focus that on my own life instead.

no problem at all. I thought I was a hopeless case until I found these kind of videos because I find services for mental health don't understand this feeling. Whereas the people who make these videos kind of show it's not necessarily an issue with my mental illness, but a result of my conditioning with my upbringing. Been a godsend for me. I still relapse back into that dependence mindset but now it's more of a come and go kind of thing rather than a constant experience.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If they are on a pedestal, then that means they are untouchable. Not touchable with anger or earned condemnation, or with being equal to them.

So I would suggest some exercises to make them touchable. To the brain, the symbolicism is interpreted as real, and because it's literally touchable, it will be more real than the imaginary pedestal.

Write their name on a piece of paper, put it on a surface lower than your heart, and touch it. Put it on the floor and stand on it. Print their photo and do the same, or pull up their photo on a mobile device, put it on the floor, and touch it with your toes.

Allow yourself to be angry at this person. Write their name (and maybe also what they did) on a piece of paper, tape it to the wall, and throw things at it. Or hang the paper from a string, and knock the paper/them/their actions down.

If he is taller, imagine standing on something so that you're taller than him, or imagine growing bigger than him. Imagine him dressed in clothes that are appropriate for the age he acts like -- toddler? baby? -- and shrink him down to that size as well.

Imagine him on the pedestal and putting tubes on him that drain his power, and putting tubes on the pedestal that drain it and shrink it.

After doing exercises like this, notice what information came up. Allow things to process. Notice if you think or feel differently about him and his actions after a few days, and repeat as necessary until he and they are in appropriate positions in your mind, heart, etc.

 

[madbananas]

If they are on a pedestal, then that means they are untouchable. Not touchable with anger or earned condemnation, or with being equal to them.

So I would suggest some exercises to make them touchable. To the brain, the symbolicism is interpreted as real, and because it's literally touchable, it will be more real than the imaginary pedestal.

Write their name on a piece of paper, put it on a surface lower than your heart, and touch it. Put it on the floor and stand on it. Print their photo and do the same, or pull up their photo on a mobile device, put it on the floor, and touch it with your toes.

Allow yourself to be angry at this person. Write their name (and maybe also what they did) on a piece of paper, tape it to the wall, and throw things at it. Or hang the paper from a string, and knock the paper/them/their actions down.

If he is taller, imagine standing on something so that you're taller than him, or imagine growing bigger than him. Imagine him dressed in clothes that are appropriate for the age he acts like -- toddler? baby? -- and shrink him down to that size as well.

Imagine him on the pedestal and putting tubes on him that drain his power, and putting tubes on the pedestal that drain it and shrink it.

After doing exercises like this, notice what information came up. Allow things to process. Notice if you think or feel differently about him and his actions after a few days, and repeat as necessary until he and they are in appropriate positions in your mind, heart, etc.

love this idea as well. Good to always remind yourself OP, and anyone else, that we are indeed all the same (as in human beings) despite our uniqueness

 

[pete_x]

Are you tied to this person by need ?

 

[Pryras]

If they are on a pedestal, then that means they are untouchable. Not touchable with anger or earned condemnation, or with being equal to them.

So I would suggest some exercises to make them touchable. To the brain, the symbolicism is interpreted as real, and because it's literally touchable, it will be more real than the imaginary pedestal.

Write their name on a piece of paper, put it on a surface lower than your heart, and touch it. Put it on the floor and stand on it. Print their photo and do the same, or pull up their photo on a mobile device, put it on the floor, and touch it with your toes.

Allow yourself to be angry at this person. Write their name (and maybe also what they did) on a piece of paper, tape it to the wall, and throw things at it. Or hang the paper from a string, and knock the paper/them/their actions down.

If he is taller, imagine standing on something so that you're taller than him, or imagine growing bigger than him. Imagine him dressed in clothes that are appropriate for the age he acts like -- toddler? baby? -- and shrink him down to that size as well.

Imagine him on the pedestal and putting tubes on him that drain his power, and putting tubes on the pedestal that drain it and shrink it.

After doing exercises like this, notice what information came up. Allow things to process. Notice if you think or feel differently about him and his actions after a few days, and repeat as necessary until he and they are in appropriate positions in your mind, heart, etc.

thank you I'll give it a try I was just thinking earilier about how many people I've completely let go without a second thought. Meanwhile, I'm struggling with this one. I'm in a confusing place in my healing process rn and I don't really know why I'm feeling this way towards someone who's consistently proven how awful they are.

Are you tied to this person by need ?

Thankfully no, I just had a really messed up history with the person. Didn't get my closure, learning to accept that and manage the collateral damage.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I don't really know why I'm feeling this way towards someone who's consistently proven how awful they are.

Along with the meme, it sounds like you're dealing with cognitive dissonance.

Not trying to push, just curious if you ever checked out any of the books on working with boundaries from the link I shared a while back. They may not be resources you seek at this time or ever, so no big deal. It's just that so many of your posts about this situation resonate with the the book Boundaries, In Sheep's Clothing, the Patricia Evans books, and anything that will support healing from co-dependence, that is, an outward focus on others for validation and purpose. I think possibly the co-dependent focus, combined with knowing what he did was shit, and how he manipulated his way out of it, is wreaking havoc. Putting him on a pedestal to excuse his behavior and validate him, and therefore devalue yourself, is a pattern that you absolutely can break.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

The way we process other people and our relationships with them is pretty complex so there's no easy answer. You need to give yourself time to establish internally how you see this person rather than just trying to assign a mental label to them. If you have history with them and used to like them a lot that won't just go away through logical reasoning and a single decision.

Best advice I can give here is to not try to force the way you think about them. Allow yourself to have positive thoughts about any good moments you shared with them while understanding that it's within your best interest to keep them out of your life. Over time you'll naturally adapt to your situation and find yourself able to move on. Best of luck with the situation.

 

[Pryras]

The way we process other people and our relationships with them is pretty complex so there's no easy answer. You need to give yourself time to establish internally how you see this person rather than just trying to assign a mental label to them. If you have history with them and used to like them a lot that won't just go away through logical reasoning and a single decision.

Best advice I can give here is to not try to force the way you think about them. Allow yourself to have positive thoughts about any good moments you shared with them while understanding that it's within your best interest to keep them out of your life. Over time you'll naturally adapt to your situation and find yourself able to move on. Best of luck with the situation.

Thank you I tried discussing it during therapy and was told to basically paint him as a monster to change the resentment in my heart to relief that I'm away from that. It's been almost a year and while my feelings have changed very slightly over this time they reletively remain the same. The distance does help but I'm self aware that I had an unhealthy attachment style which made things extremely difficult in moving forward. I don't care for him, I know he hurt me, and yet my brain doesn't process that.