Venting taking a break from sasu

[slightoverlooked]

Hello,

I hope its okay if I vent a little. I should study for my exam but I want to write down my thoughts and then take a break from here.

I have been suicidal since I was a kid. I always thought I was worthless and very lonely. I experienced child neglect bullying and so more. I am suffering from severe depression and anorexia. I am 21 now and I have attempted to ctb many many times. All of them were impulsive and not thought out.
Almost every day is agony and exhausting but inside of me, there is this stubborn person who still goes to university, who still makes friends and has fun with hobbies (cosplay, reading, writing, and so on).
It feels pathetic because I always feel like I am just avoiding reality by enjoying this fictional world. I am hopeless for the future. I am very hopeless. None of this seems like it makes sense. I feel like I will just end up lonely when my cats die...and when my parents die. I will be older and lonely.
I have some plans to ctb and they could potentially work out. But shouldn't i give life a chance? It makes me angry. I feel like I gave life a chance so many times. Why did I have to grow up like this? Its not my fault that I turned out to be this way. I am angry bc i want to die. But it would make my mother sad. She might even ctb herself and leave my 3 siblings on this world. My brother is only 8. He doesn't deserve this.
One thing that stuck with me is when my therapist said: "you might be angry at all the people who want you to keep living. You are angry because you are hopeless but your mother...and your friends...they have so much hope for you. Your mother probably doesn't hope but believes that you will get better."
I cant be angry at them if this is the reason why they wont let me go. I would probably be the same if someone close to me would be as suicidal as I am.
I notice that coming on here and making more and more plans to ctb might blind me to the opportunities I have in life. Not saying that this happens to everyone because most people coming here seem like people who exhausted their resources to get better.
Thats what I am going to do. This will be my last time fighting to build a life that wont make me want to ctb. I will be selfish and do things that I enjoy and cut out people that dont treat me well.
I kinda sound positive right now but I am kind of hoping that none of this will work out and I can just come back here and ctb. I might come back in a week and tell yall that I am once again feeling very suicidal. I dont know.
I wish you all the best. I might stick around for a bit after posting this but after that I will take a break from Sasu and try and focus on exhausting all my opportunities and resources to build a life that's not miserable. And I will probably still go into our uni lab and look for substances to ctb but idk if i will use that opportunity yet. we will see. yall will be the only ones to find out.

i didn't proof read. thank you for listening to me.

 

[Old Friend]

Seems there are still dice to roll in your life. Reading your post I feel your decision is the right one.

And quite right about cutting people out who don't treat you well. It's not worth being dragged down by others. You need to give it your best shot. Try and do the things you want. Never live for other people.

Best wishes on your journey, traveller.

 

[slightoverlooked]

Seems there are still dice to roll in your life. Reading your post I feel your decision is the right one.

And quite right about cutting people out who don't treat you well. It's not worth being dragged down by others. You need to give it your best shot. Try and do the things you want. Never live for other people.

Best wishes on your journey, traveller.

Thank you <3 I will try my best.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

good luck!!! :) i myself am a firm believer in truly exhausting all options before kys. i'm proud of u for wanting to try & being willing to put in the effort to try. ik it's extremely hard & feels almost impossible. you're v brave for choosing to continue the fight, & again, good luck<333 it sounds like u have a good support system.

 

[slightoverlooked]

good luck!!! :) i myself am a firm believer in truly exhausting all options before kys. i'm proud of u for wanting to try & being willing to put in the effort to try. ik it's extremely hard & feels almost impossible. you're v brave for choosing to continue the fight, & again, good luck<333 it sounds like u have a good support system.

Thank you <33 its comforting to see the support in this community for my post. It means a lot to me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I wish you the best of luck. I aways feel like hope is the most important thing- even the tiniest glimmer. I really hope it works out better this time. I think you're wise concentrating on you this time and cutting out any toxic people. I wish you all the best.

 

[slightoverlooked]

I wish you the best of luck. I aways feel like hope is the most important thing- even the tiniest glimmer. I really hope it works out better this time. I think you're wise concentrating on you this time and cutting out any toxic people. I wish you all the best.

Thank you <33

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I wish you all the best! I think your decision is the right one, we should always try to exhaust our options to get better before we make an irreversible decision and looks like that's what's on your plate right now.

I love it that other people in this thread also agree, it really makes Sasu feel like a place of choice.

I hope some good will come of this and that you can improve and feel more at peace with life. I liked your psychologist' sentences, they do make sense.

Thanks for venting, it was a nice little bit of positivity that I wasn't expecting, gave me a little hope for myself as well. I will be hopeful for a good future for you

 

[slightoverlooked]

I wish you all the best! I think your decision is the right one, we should always try to exhaust our options to get better before we make an irreversible decision and looks like that's what's on your plate right now.

I love it that other people in this thread also agree, it really makes Sasu feel like a place of choice.

I hope some good will come of this and that you can improve and feel more at peace with life. I liked your psychologist' sentences, they do make sense.

Thanks for venting, it was a nice little bit of positivity that I wasn't expecting, gave me a little hope for myself as well. I will be hopeful for a good future for you

Thank you so much that means a lot to me. And I am really happy that my vent could uplift your mood a little. And yes I am also very happy about the positive reaction on here. I wish you the best as well. sending hugs <33

 

[UKscotty]

I truly hope you do find the right help and get better.

You seem very young, I hope you don't have a life like mine of a 25 year journey of being suicidal on and off. Despite what anyone tells you, being suicidal is not normal and it doesn't have to be that way.

I know many people who have recovered from being suicidal, just a shame I couldn't be one of them.

 

[kittyswift]

i wish you the best of luck! thank you for sharing

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Best of luck, sincere wishes, and for what it's worth i hope you dont have to come back.

 

[slightoverlooked]

I truly hope you do find the right help and get better.

You seem very young, I hope you don't have a life like mine of a 25 year journey of being suicidal on and off. Despite what anyone tells you, being suicidal is not normal and it doesn't have to be that way.

I know many people who have recovered from being suicidal, just a shame I couldn't be one of them.

Thank you sm! I really wish everyone recovery that wants to recover.

i wish you the best of luck! thank you for sharing

thank you sm <3

Best of luck, sincere wishes, and for what it's worth i hope you dont have to come back.

i hope so too. thank you sm <3

 

[SVEN]

Every good wish in things working out for you and the plan working.
Be kind to yourself and know we wish you well.

 

[Raindancer]

I hear the little bit of hope in your voice and your sweetness. I too believe if there is hope, no matter how small to give that a chance. I so hope you can find peace and calmness and even some joy. I will think good thoughts and send them your way!

 

[rozeske]

Good luck to you on your plan to give life a shot. You have made the right decision. If there is hope to keep going you should try and exhausted every possibility before coming to this decision. When attempting suicide one of the things that makes defeating SI harder is hope and the thought of the things you could have done to keep going. If it all works out for the best and you don't come back to this section all the better. But even if you come back you will have a peace of mind since you have done everything you could. All the best to you

 

[slightoverlooked]

its definitely harder than i thought to not come on here and my mind still circles around ctb. but i feel a little more hopeful and i hope that it will get better from here on.

 

[rozeske]

its definitely harder than i thought to not come on here and my mind still circles around ctb. but i feel a little more hopeful and i hope that it will get better from here on.

It will be your decision in the end but if you are wishing to keep going the recovery section might be more helping than this section. If you are finding it difficult (there is also an option to block the suicide discussion section). But like I said only you can to make that decision. Wishing you all the best either way

 

[slightoverlooked]

It will be your decision in the end but if you are wishing to keep going the recovery section might be more helping than this section. If you are finding it difficult (there is also an option to block the suicide discussion section). But like I said only you can to make that decision. Wishing you all the best either way

oh wow i didnt know that option existed! thank you sm for letting me know. <3

 

[randal_bond]

oh wow i didnt know that option existed! thank you sm for letting me know. <3

Cutting off people who don't treat you well can be a game-changer. If people don't give you respect, demand it. After that, just cut them off and concentrate on all positive people who show you kindness.

Good luck.