lost my livelihood because of a social media rule and their lack of ability to read context and they're not budging. and because someone reported me. It's worse than it seems because I built everything myself in a place in my life where I had nothing. I already had a horrible year. I already have a horrible life.
the joke is that I'm more of a danger to myself than anybody else. I don't want to be a burden on anyone and this is what this situation brings financially and emotionally. I feel like people are fake to me, like they don't really care or never did. clout will bring the fakes in droves. I'm convinced that barely anyone would miss me anyway.
somewhere out there I think this is what someone or multiple people wanted. evil eye is real but evil intent is worse imo. tired of my social media being stalked by people who don't know me but feel so angry at me, angry enough to do this to me in a pandemic. being jealous of me without knowing the abuse I had to endure, the abuse I survived. maybe they're jealous because I deserve a happy life. they always make me feel like I don't deserve it. I had to reprogram and tell myself I deserved all the greatness that life had to offer. I don't believe it.
believe me when I say that people on the internet are delusional, covert bullies who run group chats dedicated to taking down people on their list out of the spite that comparison brings. relational aggression is real. people think they can't be great w/you existing somewhere, even if it's 3000 miles away. they smile on tiktok, tweet what people want to hear for clout and easy money, and rage behind their screens bc someone like me exists.
news reached social media website w/o my consent. didn't ask if I was okay as far as I know. people always cross my boundaries like that.
there isn't a better time to start thinking of how to ctb (like it hasn't been in the back of my head for years, back when sanctioned was on reddit, when I was a child and shoved a sponge up my nose to stop my breathing). there was a time where I believed so deeply in myself and now I'm sick of feeling like I'm going crazy. tired of speaking about my suicidal thoughts and not being heard or listened to. people only care when you're dead. and when people get to know you outside of what you post on social media, they're disillusioned. today I woke up and wished there was a button I could press that would end my life.
it's not enough to be pretty or talented. people hate you more when you're pretty and talented. I wish I stuffed my face on camera for a living instead of doing what I did. knowing me I would've thrown it all up after out of fear of gaining weight.
with my work I've told people things that probably saved their life. a good friend of mine told me so. it's hard to be able to help people but not yourself. at least with an income, I could be able to subscribe to one of those psychiatric websites where they send me antidepressant and antianxiety meds, actually get diagnosed for what I believe is bipolar 2 but no. i feel fucked.
I wish it was okay and more acceptable to go. I've relapsed into cutting myself with a razor blade. tried to stop bc bandaids and gauze are expensive. I feel like by being vulnerable and authentic, I emotionally abuse the person that's immediately around me. he just takes advantage of my emotions, the part of me clinging to the relationship we had. tears me down only to kiss my lips and my neck, then he fucks me and I bleed and if I don't bleed, it hurts, sometimes bad enough for me to erupt in cramps, it feels like my muscles won't relax. he told me the property on his home would go down if I took my life here. believes he isn't abusive bc he doesn't put his hands on me. I have never known love. and I can't escape.
hopeless and considering a partial suspension out of irony.
at least you guys get it.
the joke is that I'm more of a danger to myself than anybody else. I don't want to be a burden on anyone and this is what this situation brings financially and emotionally. I feel like people are fake to me, like they don't really care or never did. clout will bring the fakes in droves. I'm convinced that barely anyone would miss me anyway.
somewhere out there I think this is what someone or multiple people wanted. evil eye is real but evil intent is worse imo. tired of my social media being stalked by people who don't know me but feel so angry at me, angry enough to do this to me in a pandemic. being jealous of me without knowing the abuse I had to endure, the abuse I survived. maybe they're jealous because I deserve a happy life. they always make me feel like I don't deserve it. I had to reprogram and tell myself I deserved all the greatness that life had to offer. I don't believe it.
believe me when I say that people on the internet are delusional, covert bullies who run group chats dedicated to taking down people on their list out of the spite that comparison brings. relational aggression is real. people think they can't be great w/you existing somewhere, even if it's 3000 miles away. they smile on tiktok, tweet what people want to hear for clout and easy money, and rage behind their screens bc someone like me exists.
news reached social media website w/o my consent. didn't ask if I was okay as far as I know. people always cross my boundaries like that.
there isn't a better time to start thinking of how to ctb (like it hasn't been in the back of my head for years, back when sanctioned was on reddit, when I was a child and shoved a sponge up my nose to stop my breathing). there was a time where I believed so deeply in myself and now I'm sick of feeling like I'm going crazy. tired of speaking about my suicidal thoughts and not being heard or listened to. people only care when you're dead. and when people get to know you outside of what you post on social media, they're disillusioned. today I woke up and wished there was a button I could press that would end my life.
it's not enough to be pretty or talented. people hate you more when you're pretty and talented. I wish I stuffed my face on camera for a living instead of doing what I did. knowing me I would've thrown it all up after out of fear of gaining weight.
with my work I've told people things that probably saved their life. a good friend of mine told me so. it's hard to be able to help people but not yourself. at least with an income, I could be able to subscribe to one of those psychiatric websites where they send me antidepressant and antianxiety meds, actually get diagnosed for what I believe is bipolar 2 but no. i feel fucked.
I wish it was okay and more acceptable to go. I've relapsed into cutting myself with a razor blade. tried to stop bc bandaids and gauze are expensive. I feel like by being vulnerable and authentic, I emotionally abuse the person that's immediately around me. he just takes advantage of my emotions, the part of me clinging to the relationship we had. tears me down only to kiss my lips and my neck, then he fucks me and I bleed and if I don't bleed, it hurts, sometimes bad enough for me to erupt in cramps, it feels like my muscles won't relax. he told me the property on his home would go down if I took my life here. believes he isn't abusive bc he doesn't put his hands on me. I have never known love. and I can't escape.
hopeless and considering a partial suspension out of irony.
at least you guys get it.
