LogicalConclusion
Experienced
- Jun 2, 2019
- 239
Hey, I am extremely depressed today and desperately wish I could ctb tonight but I still have things to write out and, more importantly, it's my...ex's? partner's? birthday in 3 days (and it's a major age milestone) so I wanted to wait at least a week which would put me at July 4th at the soonest. However, one of my best friends has been suffering loss after loss after loss for at least a year. Most recently, his last ferret passed last week. I want to keep an eye on him and try to help him get to a space where I know he won't follow my footsteps from grief. If he were, say, on this site at some point and wanted to ctb, I'd be very sad but would understand, because I don't have the right to tell anyone to live or die. Mostly I'm worried he will take drastic action out of grief, so I'm hoping to circumvent that. I need to write him a letter, I think...was considering only leaving a general good-bye and a lengthy letter for my best friend who will be under the unfortunate burden of managing my stuff after I ctb. I'm on the fence about whether or not I should write more letters...or maybe just a general "This was my choice, I wanted this, I didn't want to suffer anymore."
Another thing that's really killing me inside (not quickly enough, I might add) is that my best friend, the one who will be managing everything after I'm gone, still misgenders me. I'm trans, been on T for 2yrs, have facial hair and a deep voice...I'm way more "me" now. But my friend doesn't want his parents to know because they hate me for pretty much existing, so he either misgenders me or doesn't gender me at all. The other day when he was here helping out with a few things, he was talking to my dog and I don't remember what all was said but it was basically "But Moooom, I don't wanna" or something like that. The "mom" part is what stood out to me and it was both incredibly jarring and also soul-crushing because I don't think he sees me as a guy. When I think about it, he hasn't said much of anything about trans politics, like he just seems to avoid it. He's been my biggest support and best friend for 10yrs. I feel like maybe I should confront him about this, but I'm worried that it will completely dissolve our friendship and I'll be left completely to my own devices. On the one hand, that could be good to do before I ctb as fuel of sorts. I'm just so confused and have this feeling of shards of glass deep down and idk how to make it long enough to wrap everything up. Idk, sorry if this is rambly, my meds are kicking in. Thanks for reading though
Another thing that's really killing me inside (not quickly enough, I might add) is that my best friend, the one who will be managing everything after I'm gone, still misgenders me. I'm trans, been on T for 2yrs, have facial hair and a deep voice...I'm way more "me" now. But my friend doesn't want his parents to know because they hate me for pretty much existing, so he either misgenders me or doesn't gender me at all. The other day when he was here helping out with a few things, he was talking to my dog and I don't remember what all was said but it was basically "But Moooom, I don't wanna" or something like that. The "mom" part is what stood out to me and it was both incredibly jarring and also soul-crushing because I don't think he sees me as a guy. When I think about it, he hasn't said much of anything about trans politics, like he just seems to avoid it. He's been my biggest support and best friend for 10yrs. I feel like maybe I should confront him about this, but I'm worried that it will completely dissolve our friendship and I'll be left completely to my own devices. On the one hand, that could be good to do before I ctb as fuel of sorts. I'm just so confused and have this feeling of shards of glass deep down and idk how to make it long enough to wrap everything up. Idk, sorry if this is rambly, my meds are kicking in. Thanks for reading though
