Survival instincts

[The.End]

Every time I hear someone on this site (or anywhere one where else) crying about how they really want to kill them selves but their survival instincts won't let them, I usually think to myself "what a crybaby, if you really want to die, then just do it. If not then stop talking about it already and get over it". But I've come to realises I'm not really angry at those people, I'm really angry at myself. I'm angry at myself because when the time come, my biggest fear is I don't have what it takes to end things. And if Im not able to go through with it, then Im truly lost.

Dear Death​

​

Come get me mutherfucker.​

​

Yours faithfully​

M.B aka T.E​

I call on the angel of death everyday and night to come claim my soul, but deep down I know, when the time comes I finally do meet him, it will most probably be the scariest thing I ever experience.

I guess there's only one way to know for sure.

I spend most days and nights trying to consciously and Subconsciously condition my mind to overcome the fears of death. Since iv never attempted (but have every intention) to ctb and face death, head on, one of my biggest fears in life is, me not having what it takes to end things when the time come.

I feel like I have no control over my life, I feel like my death is the only thing I can control. And If I don't have control over that, then I what do I have?

For a long time now I feel like im losing the plot. If there is a certain thing as sane and insane, then I believe I am certainly insane ha ha. I also believe that ain't nobody completely alright in the head, just some people got it worse then others and whatever it is, I got it real bad haha.

I'm also kinda drunk right now, so if none of this doesn't make any sense, then that's why. Anyway I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post, that is not what I was trying to accomplish. I think I was trying to be honest with myself and with all of you. But really Who knows what we really want and why the fuck we even do anything.

 

[SinisterKid]

I had never heard of SI until I landed here. Was never a factor for me for that reason. Will it become a factor now I do know about it? Time will tell.

Death is nothing to fear and that is from a man that knows. We simply cannot comprehend what comes next. I got a glimpse and its ok, certainly nothing to fear. The sensation is very very seductive, once tasted, never forgotten. Hopefully I will be there again soon.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I really respect your honesty about this.

I'm not scared of death itself but of the process of dying. I'm so desperate for a peaceful death. I don't want anymore pain but I'm really scared it's going to hurt, whatever method I choose because regardless of what looks peaceful you can't know until it is happening to you.

I was relieved when I thought I was getting N, I was convinced it was my best option. Now it's not an option at all and, even though ever day my desire to ctb gets stronger, my fear seems to get stronger too!

If only there was a peaceful pill

 

[TimeToDie]

I had never heard of SI until I landed here.

I never heard of SI either before landing here. I definitely experienced SI back in 2011, and SI would be the reason I'm still alive. The standard suicide narrative tells me that a typical suicide involves somebody impulsively grabbing their handy loaded gun and trying to off themselves after 5 minutes of consideration. Yeah, right! Around here I see people who have agonized over CTB for years and yet they're still alive. Death is vast more difficult than society tells me.

 

[Lush_nova]

the words SI had never come across my pathbefore this site, I often wondered how people managed to do it without fear being a factor.
I often read of people walking up to a bridge i know and just jumping without hesitation. Does this mean those who hesitiate, the ones who have SI kicking in are not as serious? I dont know. When I go im finding a quiet 30 mins before to gather thoughts and listen to headphones whilst drinking so SI won't (hopefully) be a factor for me. but who knows truely what SI and why it stops some but not others.

 

[not_a_robot]

I had never heard of SI until I landed here. Was never a factor for me for that reason. Will it become a factor now I do know about it? Time will tell.

Death is nothing to fear and that is from a man that knows. We simply cannot comprehend what comes next. I got a glimpse and its ok, certainly nothing to fear. The sensation is very very seductive, once tasted, never forgotten. Hopefully I will be there again soon.

lol I have been bitching about it since I was a teenager but nobody IRL understood. When I came here and saw others talking about it, I said
"I'm home!"
When people act like SI doesn't affect them, they are usually exhibiting it subconsciously in their method, like choosing pills carelessly or doing it in a place where they'll be found; that's "sneaky SI", letting them believe they want to die but making them choose an impulsive method or not waiting for the right place/time.

I still wonder if there's anything to Brainwave Entrainment. If it can induce a state that would help us overcome SI. I used a loop of delta waves to try to hypnotize myself to "sleepwalk" into suicide without fear, but I stopped when it felt like all I was doing was inducing false religious experiences.
What wave would be likely to help us overcome/disconnect SI fears and do our suicides in a state of calm,
determined autopilot? That is, if brainwave manipulation isn't total bullshit?

Brainwave entrainment - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org

 

[Mbound]

I had never heard of SI until I landed here. Was never a factor for me for that reason. Will it become a factor now I do know about it? Time will tell.

Death is nothing to fear and that is from a man that knows. We simply cannot comprehend what comes next. I got a glimpse and its ok, certainly nothing to fear. The sensation is very very seductive, once tasted, never forgotten. Hopefully I will be there again soon.

Oblivion? Or did you experience something different?