Suicidiary

[helpmehelpme]

Day 1: I am announcing my intent to die by suicide here. It is a start. Having stated this here, perhaps I can fall back to sleep instead of vocalizing, "I wanna die," and smacking my head. I do both a lot.

I do want to die. I want an end to the torment and pain that I have felt for many years that have become too much to bear.

By posting here, I hope to introduce and promote accountability with a record of my actions to get my affairs in order and execute a plan.

 

[Drowning fish]

I'm so sorry you suffer so much. I hope you will find peace and what you seek for on this site !

 

[helpmehelpme]

Day 2: I start out the day on an 8-hour trip with my mother to visit my sister. I cannot lift myself out of the mire of my morning. I try to speak softly so my 86-year-old mother can't hear me. "I want to go" is what I say the most. Go away.

My mom offers at one point, "I know you'll keep trying." I let out a sardonic laugh. "I don't know anything," I say.

Then, having driven through heavy rain and into pockets of mountain sunshine, I notice relief within me. I received a picture of a flowering house plant from A., who has recently broken up with me but extended the offer of friendship. I had a cup of coffee and washed down an Ativan with it. Whether it's the connection, the caffeine, or the effect of the tranquilizer, thoughts of suicide recede. The steam engine of self-destruction stalls. Mercifully. Where does it go from here? I don't know anything. Or do I?

 

[reggiesaurus]

Hey OP, for what it's worth, I really like your style of writing. It reads very nicely

 

[Eridanos]

as @reggisaurus said, your style of writing is really nice. I don't know if you are writing this well because this is a "public" space or it's just your usual way but it's really nice to read

 

[helpmehelpme]

Hey OP, for what it's worth, I really like your style of writing. It reads very nicely

Thank you, reggiesaurus. I am fortunate to be part of this forum. It is a gift to be able to not only say the S word but to map and track the impulse within me. Wishing you well.

 

[helpmehelpme]

Day 3: The Grog Factor

I'm on a drug called Remeron (mirtazipine). The plus is it usually gets you sleep. The minus is that it can leave you feeling heavily sedated, as I feel now after I took a second dose when I couldn't fall back asleep in the night. Remeron also has a way of leaving you with very vivid dreams because, as I understand it, the mind rises quickly from REM stage to waking. It's akin to a deep diver getting a case of the bends upon rising too fast to the surface.

I have a complicated relationship with Remeron. On the one hand, it contributed to saving my life when I was 28 by giving me the gift of hours of sleep in the midst of a sleep-deprived breakdown. On the other hand, there's grog and fog on mornings like this. Coffee doesn't cut it. I'll work my way into the shower and turn it to cold at the end. Then I'll hit the trail and hike/run like my life depends on it. Without some form of cardio by noon, my mind goes way dark.

And am I not dark enough right now, writing a series of posts on a pro-choice suicide forum? The truth is that I haven't written much of substance in years. Writing here over these last three days is helping me to gain traction, even if the destination I stated on Day 1 is a place of no return.

 

[WastedSpace]

And am I not dark enough right now, writing a series of posts on a pro-choice suicide forum?

The beauty of this site is that there is no "dark enough" or "sad enough" or "suicidal enough" or "sick enough." There is also no "cheerful enough" or "hopeful enough " . You don't have to be anything other than what you are.

Maybe you're like me and you're stuck in that impossibly confusing and desperate place between "I will kill myself" and "I can get better. " Maybe you continue to take actions to better your life while also planning for your death. It's all allowed. I have really enjoyed reading your posts, you are legitimately a talented writer. I hope you find some relief from the fog and darkness today friend.

 

[helpmehelpme]

The beauty of this site is that there is no "dark enough" or "sad enough" or "suicidal enough" or "sick enough." There is also no "cheerful enough" or "hopeful enough " . You don't have to be anything other than what you are.

Wise, accepting words

 

[helpmehelpme]

Day 3, Evening: The Breakup

Let's face it. I am on here and have been drawn to suicide most recently because of a breakup. I just turned 50 and had never fallen for a woman like I fell for A. We spoke or texted each other almost every night for about 8 months during a mostly a long-distance affair. Now the romantic relationship is over by her decision, and she is nearly all I can think of, along with what I could have done better or differently.

In the midst of this obsession I have been drawn to death by my own hands, the hands that peck out this message to you and the world. I am struck by all I can do with my hands and wonder if firing up a charcoal grill to put myself to sleep in the back of a van is the wisest use of them. A thought to sleep on.

 

[SuicideBoys93]

I have been together with my wife for six years and married for four. She cheated on me. The impulse I have is to shoot myself in our bed and leave her the mess. I like the idea of this thread. I look forward to your posts.

 

[helpmehelpme]

Day 4: More

If I could rise above my brain's chatter, I could mind more what matters. The problem is my chatter feels incessant. At a perfectly good dinner with the family, "I want to die" keeps wearing a groove in my head. I project my decline in the coming years. "Put myself out of my misery" pops into mind.

And yet ... what an amazing planet we inhabit. I took some beautiful pictures on a hike this morning and posted them to my Instagram with a turn of phrase that was meaningful to me.

And yet ... the chatter. How can I bear it until I die at a natural age? How can I live with myself and all of my wrongs? I cannot restate with certainty what I wrote on Day 1. The trip to my sister's in the mountains is giving me a different view of the world. I am doing a little better. And yet.

 

[helpmehelpme]

Day 5 or So: Up in the Night

Moaning I wanna die

Administering beatings to my head

Obsessed wifh the woman I love and lost, it seems

Back to plotting my demise

This is no way to live. Dismal

For now I will take 2 mg of Ativan and see if it puts me to sleep

Oh, Lord, if you're listening, please help

 

[sadworld]

I love your style of writing, thank you for everything so far

 

[Brackenshire]

As my therapist told me ....journaling is good

 

[helpmehelpme]

Day 6: Next Steps

A. would like to maintain a friendship. She texts me each day. I know she still cares about me, but do these texts serve to keep a fixation on her? Yes. Does our interaction on IG result in the same? Yes. I plan to meet with her and see if she is fully resolved on only wanting to be friends. If yes, I see my next step as cutting off contact. Deleting our long, rich text history, full of poems and loving kindness. Deleting her contact and the old voicemails I have saved. Going cold turkey. For it is likely too hard for me to maintain a friendship with the woman I have fallen for the most. I need to write a will and am considering writing her in. I have a modest retirement account. I know she is struggling financially, and perhaps this would help, along with a note that absolves her of any responsibility and speaks to my unending love and appreciation for her. I felt suicidal before this relationship. She is not the cause of it. I do not know exactly how the seed of a suicide was planted in me. Perhaps I examine the roots in another entry.

As my therapist told me ....journaling is good

Feeling right to me. A little twinge of doubt wondering if I have revealed too many specifics here, but overall a worthy venture in life-or-death times. Thank you for relaying.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

Keep it up; your writting is engaging even if its about not the happiest thoughts.

 

[helpmehelpme]

Day 7: Turnaround

I went to see A. today, and it's clear she's moved past the romantic relationship. Her interest is in friendship only. What's also clear is I have improved. The "I wanna die" chatter has receded, as if miraculously. I come home sad it's over with A., but it's not over for me. I will not be taking my life anytime soon, if at all. I know that this is accepted here, as it would be if I said I were. And at the end of the day, acceptance matters a great deal. I thank those who have read one or all of my entries. Where I go from here is not clear. Literally. I don't know where I'll be living come November. Odds are, though, I'll be living.

 

[SuicideBoys93]

It's great to hear you're doing better. I hope I can start to feel better soon..

 

[helpmehelpme]

Day 8: Comedown

I am back in it. Feeling my life is fucked with the death of this relationship. The familiar stirring of "I want to die" is strong today. Perhaps I spoke too soon yesterday. I don't know what to do. I lie in bed but cannot sleep. This feels like a complete reversal of progress. Can I recover, or am I destined to die in the back of a van?

 

[helpmehelpme]

Day 9: Can't Sleep

I want die is what I keep yelling, whenever I think of my ex and the breakup. I am re-staking my claim on suicide as a solution to my problems. I do not want to continue this way. Despite medication, Remeron 45 mg and 4 capsules of Benadryl, I am awake in the night with no signs of falling asleep anytime soon. I call the support line, the prayer line, and friends. All seems to no avail. Help!