Suicide prevention services force me to get rid of means or they won't help

[miminkpo]

Basically, where I live (Spain) there are services for those who feel suicidal. Since I do want to give life a chance, I've always tried different resources. I've been to a lot of psychologists and psychiatrists. In my experience, most of them won't try to understand your way of thinking. I've found that, especially with public healthcare resources, they mostly work by trying to limit you to their idea of what you should be doing, and force you to the degree they are capable of. I don't know if I'm explaining myself, but I see that the line between persuasion and manipulation is very fine in these spaces. I've been threatened, in the past, with: forced admission into a psychiatric ward, suspension of my economic means (I'm on a pension), expulsion from the same programs that are designed to be helping me if I did not adhere to the guidelines (mostly, that being missing group therapy sessions because I couldn't get out of bed). I've attempted last time in May 2024, and I've dropped off the DBT group therapy that I had to attend to since September 2024. No other therapist has seen me. My social worker insisted that we try suicide prevention services. They know I have the means to attempt again, and I don't even deny it anymore. I'm tired of lying and saying what they want me to say just to get out of trouble or give them the illusion that they are helping when they actually aren't. They were very dismissive of my desire to get better, and said that they didn't see me ''truly committing'' to recovery. I said that I wasn't going to get rid of the means I had so hard fought for to get a hold off, because they were my only hope at the moment, the only thing I knew that wouldn't fail me. To give that away, after being so let down by the system and healthcare services, would feel to me much more like a suicide than an actual suicide attempt. I am only holding on because I feel a mix of fear (last time I was in the ICU for almost a month and that was traumatic) and resignation (it's not hurting that much lately, even though I barely function, but I can pass the days moreso okay).

Anyway, what they told me is that they doubt they are going to help me. I went there with no expectations that it would help me, nor that they would understand me. But for them to be so blunt, that they refuse to help those who, I'd say, represent the vast majority of suicidal people. Maybe there are those who are eager to have hope and give everything up for another chance and truly feel like they are starting from a ''blank slate''. That's what I feel these people think you have to do to ''let yourself be helped'' by them. But I am not like that. I feel anger, resentment, sadness, despair and some of that is directed to the therapists that have worked with me. That isn't going away. And also, to expect that suicidal people come to a suicide prevention service WITHOUT suicidal tendencies, planning, ideation, means... that they are conviced of, or at least, give some credit as to being actual solutions to make the suffering stop... well, it sounds ridiculous, naive and out of touch with the people that they intend to help.

English is not my first language, so maybe I wrote somewhat clunky. But that's my takeaway... that these prevention services don't really know what they are doing. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything, to be honest. I'm just exhausting all my options, with a bit of a cynical outlook I have to admit. I try not to be hostile, to make myself heard while maintaining my composure and being assertive, even if I feel rage building up inside me. And I managed to do so in the interview, even if I just had to look and sound completely detached. I myself said ''if that's how it's going to be, I agree this service might not be compatible with my situation''. They told me they just read that as a threat. Well... no shit, what do you think suicidal people are trying to do?

Anyways... that's it. I was wondering if that is how it is for y'all too. Have you ever been in these kinds of situations? Do you have any hope?

 

[Melly]

I would not feel better or have trust in this system if this was done to me. Suicidal thoughts are often a coping mechanism. There seems to be a deep misunderstanding on their part on what it's like to be chronically suicidal. For many people's brains it's a paradoxical survival strategy... Sometimes life treats you so poorly you end up in a hellish chronic state of fight or flight. Why would you let go of the things that make you feel safe? You'd have to get better first.

I've been in a similar situation before. I don't have trust in the system as a result. I hope you find a good source of support in your life and get access to better ressources... Hoping they exist. Wishing you the best of luck.