Suicide out of spite

[alstroemeria55]

I'm not the type of person to be petty. I've forgiven plenty of people when they did not truly deserve it. My emotionally abusive mother, my groomer, my best friend who gaslit me and abandoned me, my rapist. But part of me wants to CTB out of spite.

PTSD makes me feel immense guilt and shame 24/7 for things where I was really the victim, and I'm so sick of feeling this way all the time meanwhile the people I forgave go on with their lives feeling happy and content with themselves. I'd give anything to feel at peace, except lie to myself and delude myself into thinking that the world is better than it is or that there's something out there wanting to protect me when I've only been abused and thrown away all my life.
When I CTB I want them to feel the same guilt and shame I do. I want it to rip them apart like it does me. I want them to feel responsible. I'm so sick of feeling alone in my feelings, my experiences, this awful world full of disgusting egotistical people. I didn't deserve to feel all this guilt for them instead of feeling at peace.

 

[girlwhosoldtheworld]

i totally feel this. i want to hurt everyone around me the same way they hurt me. i need them to know that they're responsible, i want them regret everything yknow? sucks we live in a world where there's so many horrible people

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

What you are feeling is totally understandable but it is not really sound or doing yourself a service to center suicidal desires in other people. When you are dead it is not like you will be able to enjoy the pain you cause. In any case people were okay hurting you in life I'm not sure they would be too moved by your death.

 

[alstroemeria55]

What you are feeling is totally understandable but it is not really sound or doing yourself a service to center suicidal desires in other people. When you are dead it is not like you will be able to enjoy the pain you cause. In any case people were okay hurting you in life I'm not sure they would be too moved by your death.

It's not at the center of my desire to die but it is a small part of it. Of course I know they won't care but I wish they cared, I wish they were hurting the same way they left me hurting. After I'm dead I'm dead, I won't be feeling or enjoying anything, but before I die I might feel some kind of retribution.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

It's not at the center of my desire to die but it is a small part of it. Of course I know they won't care but I wish they cared, I wish they were hurting the same way they left me hurting. After I'm dead I'm dead, I won't be feeling or enjoying anything, but before I die I might feel some kind of retribution.

I understand. It is more complicated than that. And I want those who harmed me to suffer too.