neutralmilk
Member
- Jan 12, 2024
- 24
I thought that preparing a suicide note would either be therapeutic or finalize my decision. I don't know which I want but I thought I would share.I am planning on getting the materials to ctb now and I have a solid plan finally. I have been looking for the best way out and I finally found it. I already attempted once but it was probably the second worst way to do it so in my head I was pretty sure it wouldn't work. But now it's different and this is a reality for me. But anyways, here is my note:
First of all, DO NOT RECESSITATE if you are seeing this before I am gone.
Im so sorry but I had to do this. Im so fucking sorry to my family. I love them so much but there's no way I can go on like this. Since I was 13, people told me it would get better. I kind of believed it. I thought the adult world would be different and I could get my degree and help the world. I thought maybe I could be surrounded by friends and a loving partner. But none of that came true for me. I thought maybe it would get better and it never did. Im tired of waiting for it to get better when I already waited so long. I am alone and the ppl that do have my back can do nothing to help. I'm coming to them with the same problems, and they have no solutions, and they're tired of hearing it. EVen worse is the fact that all the ppl that have my back do not live in my city. I live alone, I rarely leave my house, and I rarely spend time with others. Ive tried everything. I've been to counselling since I was 13 when my parents found out I was self-harming. Ive tried desprately clinging to hobbies and passions but they are not large enough to fill the gaping void in my soul. I've also tried weekly volunteering to help the community and get in some social time but it's not enough. I've been on every medication, and after I got diagnosed with bipolar, I am forced to be on meds that all take away my personality and my energy. It is not a life worth living if I cannot live it as myself. I truly think I would fit the MAID criteria once it is legal for those with mental health issues but I think they will reject me because of my age. I tried so hard. I truly gave it my all. But society has rejected me. That is their right but I cannot be happy alone. And along with my personal stuff, I cannot believe the world's response to Palestine. How can people be ok with genocide? This world is sick and I don't want to be a part of it. Everything I believed in was a facade. I work for an organization that could help if they spoke out but they choose not to. Its like 1984 and no ones allowed to talk about it. It is a system that cannot be escaped without death and I have nothing to be happy about to at least make staying within the system bearable. Finally, I give up.
First of all, DO NOT RECESSITATE if you are seeing this before I am gone.
Im so sorry but I had to do this. Im so fucking sorry to my family. I love them so much but there's no way I can go on like this. Since I was 13, people told me it would get better. I kind of believed it. I thought the adult world would be different and I could get my degree and help the world. I thought maybe I could be surrounded by friends and a loving partner. But none of that came true for me. I thought maybe it would get better and it never did. Im tired of waiting for it to get better when I already waited so long. I am alone and the ppl that do have my back can do nothing to help. I'm coming to them with the same problems, and they have no solutions, and they're tired of hearing it. EVen worse is the fact that all the ppl that have my back do not live in my city. I live alone, I rarely leave my house, and I rarely spend time with others. Ive tried everything. I've been to counselling since I was 13 when my parents found out I was self-harming. Ive tried desprately clinging to hobbies and passions but they are not large enough to fill the gaping void in my soul. I've also tried weekly volunteering to help the community and get in some social time but it's not enough. I've been on every medication, and after I got diagnosed with bipolar, I am forced to be on meds that all take away my personality and my energy. It is not a life worth living if I cannot live it as myself. I truly think I would fit the MAID criteria once it is legal for those with mental health issues but I think they will reject me because of my age. I tried so hard. I truly gave it my all. But society has rejected me. That is their right but I cannot be happy alone. And along with my personal stuff, I cannot believe the world's response to Palestine. How can people be ok with genocide? This world is sick and I don't want to be a part of it. Everything I believed in was a facade. I work for an organization that could help if they spoke out but they choose not to. Its like 1984 and no ones allowed to talk about it. It is a system that cannot be escaped without death and I have nothing to be happy about to at least make staying within the system bearable. Finally, I give up.
