suicide is such a lonely experience

[throwaway3246539]

i just want to get to say goodbye to the people i love the most...i just want to explain to them why i feel like i need to do this. i want them to know this is the last time they'll see me alive. i want to spend one more day with her before i go. but i can't do any of these, cause the moment someone suspects what i'm about to do my plan is ruined. i had to spend my last few months of my life completely alone. i hate this. i would do anything to spend one more day with the love of my life, but i can't tell her why it's so important for me to see her again. my biggest regret is that i didn't kms last year when i wanted to. it would have spared me of a lot of unnecessary suffering

 

[silence ends]

For me it was sad to live alone, will be sad to die alone but i hope for peace after it's done

 

[purplehearted]

i understand how you feel, i feel the same. the secrecy and pain of masking my intentions and mental state eats me up inside. it's so exhausting doing this every day. the only thing we can do is just endure it and silently say goodbye…

 

[FuneralCry]

I really do hate the fact that this world stigmatises suicide to the extent that it does, it's just so wrong. Death is the most normal and expected thing ever after all, so if someone doesn't wish to delay their inevitable fate they should be able to tell others without the risk of them interfering. Suicide certainly is so unnecessarily lonely for so many in this world and it's sad how things are this way. The problem lies in the society that refuses to accept the right to die and unfairly has the attitude that suffering must always be prolonged as much as possible.

 

[sevenelevenths]

Same here. Trying to be as honest as possible in my ending letters to my loved ones about what I'm feeling and at the same time, trying to spare some details in the hopes that they won't be as hurt or pained having not known the extent of what I was going through I guess.

 

[Wannagonow]

Been both alone and lonely since my wife passed away 4 years ago. Dealing with my mental illness stuff for over 30 years has been a terrible experience. But loneliness...that's a whole different thing. It's scary and it's painful. Not a good way to feel. Planning and preparing for suicide is such a lonely experience. We can't tell anyone for fear of them stopping us and then us ending up in a hospital. So you are left alone and lonely as you plan your exit. It sucks!

 

[LastFlowers]

I'm used to it because the majority of my life at this point has required the same amount of exhaustive discretion, isolation and silence that one has to employ while planning their suicide.
Almost all of my issues share some sense of "taboo" in the way that you cannot talk about them openly and plainly, without massive consequences or censorship, or a completely irrational and hypocritical lack of sympathy.
They're things that harm the sufferer more than anyone else and yet other people have to punish the messenger to save their own ears & their comparatively insignificant discomfort levels.

All that said, the familiarity doesn't really make it any easier..it actually makes it all the more difficult, just one more layer of suffocation and restriction tacked on. The burden only becomes heavier.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I have stopped talking to most people…… Easier to be alone…

 

[mint]

life is the lonely part

 

[Timetoleave1]

Been both alone and lonely since my wife passed away 4 years ago. Dealing with my mental illness stuff for over 30 years has been a terrible experience. But loneliness...that's a whole different thing. It's scary and it's painful. Not a good way to feel. Planning and preparing for suicide is such a lonely experience. We can't tell anyone for fear of them stopping us and then us ending up in a hospital. So you are left alone and lonely as you plan your exit. It sucks!

Yes, we cannot tell anybody.
And telling someone would probably be some form of survival instinct.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

Dying people steal away in an unobserved moment, this was my impession at the deathbed of my parents. Animals also seek solitude to die. I personally would say, that my death particularly by suicide is too intime to share it with my family or friends. A suicide partner would be the exception.

 

[Source Energy]

i just want to get to say goodbye to the people i love the most...i just want to explain to them why i feel like i need to do this. i want them to know this is the last time they'll see me alive. i want to spend one more day with her before i go. but i can't do any of these, cause the moment someone suspects what i'm about to do my plan is ruined. i had to spend my last few months of my life completely alone. i hate this. i would do anything to spend one more day with the love of my life, but i can't tell her why it's so important for me to see her again. my biggest regret is that i didn't kms last year when i wanted to. it would have spared me of a lot of unnecessary suffering

I told my mom and my best friend. With mom, it took months of very detailed explaining of my agonies and my intricate, complex web of reasons. But she slowly started to see my point, and she now accepts it. With my friend, it took weeks, but she is with me in the middle of the main situation and sees with her own eyes how terrible it got. They now both came across my point and support me even if I take this choice, which as soon as I find what I need, I will.
If you know how to describe your suffering, you can turn around even religious people, like my mom :)

 

[jodes2]

Yeah I realised I just wasn't cut out to do it. Not yet, not for a long time. I've talked to my gf and dad a lot about it but it hasn't made it any easier. When it comes to preparing and doing the deed, you're absolutely alone. I'm just gonna plod on with my fairly shitty life, trying to salvage what I can. But I've made a fucking mess of it all. I feel like I'm just existing, very little more. Wish I could get drugs to spice things up a bit. But money is limited and my gf would be furious. She'd be furious if I tried to Kms again and I can't face the repercussions of that either. Stuck in limbo. Loneliness on one side, mere existence on the other

 

[Archness]

Not necessary. I'd have a partner, if someone was worthy and dear to my heart. Unlikely, very, but I'd wish to spend my last moments with that kind of person. Who could understand me, and thus would have an interest in ctb.

 

[SeeminglyFine]

Dying people steal away in an unobserved moment, this was my impession at the deathbed of my parents. Animals also seek solitude to die. I personally would say, that my death particularly by suicide is too intime to share it with my family or friends. A suicide partner would be the exception.

Very relateable, personally i never understood the desire to ctb with a suicide partner untill i put my phone on plane mode, went to an underground bunker, put a belt around my neck in the middle of the night in the dark, all alone.

but the only partner id be ok dying with is my friend