SecretDissociation
Suicide enthusiast
- Sep 11, 2022
- 90
This probably has already been discussed before, but I feel the need to rant...
I am so sick of the same line being spewed to me by my friend, "you're being selfish, suicide is selfish. You're just doing it to end the pain for yourself. I want you to live, think about others."
I have never once put myself completely first. Always being used and consumed because I feel like a useless void, unguided and non-existent if I don't put on this expressive facade and help others. Constantly, all I have been told is "I want you here," "I don't want you gone," "I need you," or, "what would I do without you?" I don't know, figure it out yourself. I am so sick of being the one that supports others and then becomes forgotten about. No matter how much happiness I experience with the people around me, it eventually dissipates into this empty feeling.
Why can't I just die and be me? Or why can't people just accept that I would like to die?
If suicide is selfish then so be it. Let me be selfish and let me have something that I want. Let me rest in a void. Let me truly be what I want to be. Do they not see how me living is in itself a form of abuse to myself? I don't know how to live for myself anyway because I have lived doing what others have wanted my whole life. My father wanted me to have devout Islamic piety, I conformed; My mother wanted a girl that exists and acts with moderate obedience, I conformed; My friends wanted a therapist, a tool; I conformed.
I have wanted to die but I never confirmed. I tried and survived and my father told me I was trying to manipulate him. I was trying to "do something." My mother screamed and told me to quit acting crazy. My friend told me "why didn't you talk to me?" as if she would not have turned it into a joking competition.
Fuck, even some deadbeat, chronically stupid guy managed to use me and I didn't even notice. Then when I called him a weirdo he got pressed. When I refused to tell him gossip he got pressed.
For the love of myself, leave me alone and let me rot.
I am so sick of the same line being spewed to me by my friend, "you're being selfish, suicide is selfish. You're just doing it to end the pain for yourself. I want you to live, think about others."
I have never once put myself completely first. Always being used and consumed because I feel like a useless void, unguided and non-existent if I don't put on this expressive facade and help others. Constantly, all I have been told is "I want you here," "I don't want you gone," "I need you," or, "what would I do without you?" I don't know, figure it out yourself. I am so sick of being the one that supports others and then becomes forgotten about. No matter how much happiness I experience with the people around me, it eventually dissipates into this empty feeling.
Why can't I just die and be me? Or why can't people just accept that I would like to die?
If suicide is selfish then so be it. Let me be selfish and let me have something that I want. Let me rest in a void. Let me truly be what I want to be. Do they not see how me living is in itself a form of abuse to myself? I don't know how to live for myself anyway because I have lived doing what others have wanted my whole life. My father wanted me to have devout Islamic piety, I conformed; My mother wanted a girl that exists and acts with moderate obedience, I conformed; My friends wanted a therapist, a tool; I conformed.
I have wanted to die but I never confirmed. I tried and survived and my father told me I was trying to manipulate him. I was trying to "do something." My mother screamed and told me to quit acting crazy. My friend told me "why didn't you talk to me?" as if she would not have turned it into a joking competition.
Fuck, even some deadbeat, chronically stupid guy managed to use me and I didn't even notice. Then when I called him a weirdo he got pressed. When I refused to tell him gossip he got pressed.
For the love of myself, leave me alone and let me rot.