suicide is close

[ever so lonely]

hiya peoples, its me again terry, just an update for anybody who cares to read (if not that is cool too), i will be definately ordering my sn on the 11th of dec, next month, on my little pay day, it is the only thing i am looking forward to in a messed up way, i feel we the vulnerable are always going to be pushed to our limits by this sick society, when we express ourselves anywhere else even online it is common for us to be pushed aside, ghosted (dont you just love that term that has crept into the public lexicon), invalidated, silenced or of course just flat out ignored, i tired peoples, so tired, have been for a very long time, even posting about it i seems exhausting, i merely wish to stop living, my anxiety and ptsd is worsening i can feel it creeping up and up, and i feel more alienated from those around me, than ever before, nothing in common anymore, i am not the same person anymore either, i swear it as if my mental disorders have changed my very personality and what makes me tick ?, anybody relate ?, i just want to say the 11th isnt too far away amd i am excited about it, i have some money aside, and it will be a re order, if i go through with it i just want to say thank you for having me, i have lost loved ones over the years due to bereavement, probably many of us here have, i have lost children who dont wish to know me, i have lost friends who have moved on in there lives, i have lost partners who no longer share any commonalities with me, and probably used me, i say that to say this, thank you, and i sincerely mean that for letting me have a safe space to vent, like each of us has here, this place has been a god send, it has enabled me to take control of my own life and end it should i so choose, it has also given me a window into others struggles and made me view life differently if anything, realise how utterly cruel and harsh it can be, if life was fair why would it be so cruel to so many of us here ?, maybe life has never been FAIR, but to go on living in perpetual misery, now that to me doesnt make much sense, i question my existence daily, why am i here ?, get it done already, and i will be nothing, no troubles ever again, i fear the uncertainties of the future and the variables that make life what it is than certain death, with death there is finality, where nobody and nothing can harm us ever again, nothing to fear, just the end of our torture and misery, i have met and spoken to some fine people here, people that i think to myself wow i would love to meet them irl, people who get it, people who absolutely get the struggles, the fakeness the pretending to be ok when your not, thank you again, like i say sn is my way to go, nobody here has encouraged me, if anything you have been a great guidance to me, sure there has been some toxicity along the way but only a little, by and large it has been a positive experience for me, and i am guessing many others too, i guess also that cruelty exists anywhere, even online sometimes, i love you people, and i am sorry we are finding ourselves here, but in a way suicide is beautiful, because no more life equates to no more pain (so far as we are aware), thank you for letting be myself and expressing my views and opinions without prejudice and judgements, the 11th is when i order the product allow a couple of weeks for despatch and arrival and i am gone, i had it before but lost it somehow so i been saving again to re order, this time no dilly dallying, you know when you feel it in your bones that you had enough ?, not for attention seeking not for woe is me etc, just you had enough, you feel it everyday, going through the motions, nothing interests you nomore, nothing motivates you, no words seem to get to you ?, well that is my daily fucked up life, throw in mental health issues, and people constantly letting me down and i feel like a square peg in a round hole, i dont matter to those around me, and i am realising the cold stark truth that i probably never did, even if i go above and beyond for them, they get what what they want from me whatever that may be and simply disregard me like the trash, and now i see it, i likely never did matter to these people, not in the way they once mattered to me anyhow, it was mainly geared towards themselves, and themselves only, what could they get out of me etc, i guess many of us can relate to this, that has been the harshest lesson life has taught me, how severely and utterly selfish we are, as a species, but that isnt the case on here, it is like you have to be suicidal to appreciate others and there daily battles, i swear, oh well thanks again lovely peoples, i wish you well whatever you decide, half the battle for me is gaining a method, which i have, a tried and tested method and being single minded in the pursuit of said method, i think i have been on here long enough speaking about it, time has come around to act on it now, thank you again you are the only people that HAVNT let me down, ghosted, invalidated, ignored, shunned, been cruel to me, i appreciate it love to everybody.

 

[idkwho]

I'm sorry life's been treating you badly. Glad to know that you at least felt safe enough to vent out here in sasu. I can also relate to you in a sense that I no longer feel like myself because of my mental disorders and it feels like shit. I hope you find peace!

 

[jodes2]

I'm so sorry you feel like you've been getting worse I hope you remember before you CTB that sometimes things do get worse before they get better, there should always be at least a little bit of hope, I hope you see that too I wish I could send you some strength to give it a bit more time to start healing, but I totally understand if it's all just too much now we're behind you whatever you choose, but we'll miss you I hope you give it a bit more of a chance, you can always order your SN and keep it safe until one day you just have enough... Just don't let temptation get the better of you if there's any part of you that wants to live

 

[ever so lonely]

sorry you are feeling this way brother and i hope you too can find the peace you deserve my buddy, i think we each deserve that much, life is so utterly cruel, it makes me wonder why the hell people still procreate with the word being as it is ?, selfishness ? i wish you well buddy
thank you my friend, no i definately feel this time my mind is made up, before i will admit i wasnt sure, a few half doubts crept in, si maybe, but it is like a switch that clicks inside your mind and says ok that is it now, enough suffering, anybody understand that ?, like something within has utterly geared towards suicide and nothing else will suffice, thanks for the lovely kind words here i appreciate it, you would never get that out there lol and i hope each of us finds the peace we crave, it isnt much to ask, peace and love to everybody

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are understandable. The reality is that there is simply nothing fair about this life in any way, life is such a terrible concept and it's so cruel how people continue to selfishly procreate just to continue this cycle of endless suffering and torment that will continue to be repeated as long as life is brought here. There is no point or benefit to prolonging this existence, at least to me. It certainly is a beautiful thing, the fact that we will all die.

Returning to nonexistence is the only thing that comforts me, I believe death to be just like how before we were born where time passed and yet we were not aware of anything. This painful and pointless existence will finally be forgotten about. But yes, there are an unlimited amount of things that are wrong with this world, all that life is, is just endless unnecessary problems that exist for no reason and humans certainly do just create more suffering, it's the unfortunate reality of this existence, the way that people often behave definitely makes the thought of non existence sound even more appealing.
But I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.