Venting Suicide is brave

[Jarklor]

Everyone I've talked to doesn't want me to commit suicide. I understand why they feel that way but I also tell them it's my choice to do what I want with my body. I get to defy everyone and make a decision for myself for once. This world is cruel, painful, and hopeless. I don't like being here. I can't find happiness anymore to cope with life. I can't let people hurt me anymore. I can be free from the burden of this reality and can go to somewhere more beautiful. I know that the gods love me and will understand what I'm going through. I am excited to meet them finally.

 

[Blue Elephant]

You rock! I salute you!

 

[FuneralCry]

I agree that it's brave, I envy and admire those who managed to free themselves from this existence on their own terms. I find it comforting to think of eternally ceasing to exist, it's comforting to think of existing no longer being my concern. Your feelings really are understandable, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you wish for.

 

[baabbaabbaab]

Yes it's brave. But it's a lot of things as well. It's lonely and scary for most of us. It's a no-brainer and a necessity for some. And while it's a choice in the very end for everyone of us, it's a forced, sad and quiet acceptance for many.

 

[FadingDawn]

Tbh I detest the "suicide is cowardice" phrase, which is almost exclusively used by people who no single clue about what depression or misery feel like, and how intense actually going through the act is. Living a miserable existence because you simply wake up day after day, wagecucking, is cowardice

 

[Disappointered]

I think I will be killing myself in the near future. I am just trying to prepare my mind for it. I fear the unknown and am generally cowardly. I think if I cannot go through with it I will have to bring up euthanasia with a doctor. I must get the process started. There is no reason for me to keep suffering. To get up every day just to fall down again, day after day after day.

 

[nozomu]

It requires an amount of balls I haven't been able to fully muster yet, but I've come close.

 

[baabbaabbaab]

I don't think living a miserable existence is cowardice. But it's sure no bravery at all.

I just wish suicide was accepted as it really is : a painful and hard choice, sometimes rational and sometimes not.

Those who can't embrace it are of two types : those who love you too much to see you go and those who never dare take a gander at the darkness. They may have take a quick glance here and there, but they never mentally dared diving into the endless nothingness.

They don't have too in the end. But if they want to give advises, they have to.

I think I will be killing myself in the near future. I am just trying to prepare my mind for it. I fear the unknown and am generally cowardly. I think if I cannot go through with it I will have to bring up euthanasia with a doctor. I must get the process started. There is no reason for me to keep suffering. To get up every day just to fall down again, day after day after day.

I understand you. Why euthanasia would be accepted if I can ask ?

I never knew before SS that euthanasia meant "good death". I'm so tinted by the christian moral of the Western world that "euthanasia" always had a morally wrong rhyme to it...

 

[Aim]

It goes up and down.. But hopefully that is a good thing.

 

[baabbaabbaab]

It requires an amount of balls I haven't been able to fully muster yet, but I've come close.

The way I fancy it is as follow : I jump off a bridge without any thinking.

I believe I would manage to do it, not by thinking about it or looking for reasons to accept or mitigate it, but simply by doing it, moving... Just like the few times I had to be on stage during my life, the only way I managed to overcome my fear was to move my leg then the other and follow through.

But our brain loves to think, that's what is making it so hard. Jumping off a bridge, tightening a noose, stabbing yourself : those are all technically pretty easy if it wasn't for our mind imaging it, witnessing it and processing it.

But maybe I'm forgetting about the pain here : it's hard not to think about it...

And I don't mean we shouldn't think about reasons to accept our suicide. At least for me, once I've made peace with it comes another time where I would have to act on it...

 

[dinosavr]

Imo first of all, it's not your choice. It definitely seems like a matter of choice, but still, we didn't ask for it. We didn't want to become suicidal in the first place. If it wasn't for our mental issues or financial problems or health problems or whatever brought us here, we would enjoy our lives just like other people do.
Don't ever feel guilty for being suicidal, it hasn't been your choice and right now it's not easy to deal with. And even if it seems like it a choice between actually doing it or fighting against it, it's okay if you "lose" and "choose" death.
If anyone wants to put blame on you, fuck them. It's not you, it's depression or some other shit.
No one blames cancer's victims for dying lol why not, they could just try harder to heal, right??

 

[Dliena]

You feel what you feel in your heart and soul OP and I can respect that. It SHOULD be yours or any individuals going thru something similar personal decision only to go or to stay but unfortunately we live in such a authoritarian kind of reality that of course no method can be easy to obtain nor perform.

 

[baabbaabbaab]

Imo first of all, it's not your choice. It definitely seems like a matter of choice, but still, we didn't ask for it. We didn't want to become suicidal in the first place. If it wasn't for our mental issues or financial problems or health problems or whatever brought us here, we would enjoy our lives just like other people do.
Don't ever feel guilty for being suicidal, it hasn't been your choice and right now it's not easy to deal with. And even if it seems like it a choice between actually doing it or fighting against it, it's okay if you "lose" and "choose" death.
If anyone wants to put blame on you, fuck them. It's not you, it's depression or some other shit.
No one blames cancer's victims for dying lol why not, they could just try harder to heal, right??

I agree it's not exactly a choice in the sense of "I decide to suicide instead of living". We didn't decide to become suicidal as you said. I think it's still a choice in a sense or maybe more precisely our own willingness to put an end to whatever we are living. There is our choice. There lies the choice, the will that needs to be respected, even though we're not responsible (or at least not always) of the reasons which led us there.

Yes it's true we didn't ask for any of this and it's really, inherently unfair. But you can still blame cancer victims for heavy drinking, sunbathing or smoking. I'm sure some of them blame their own self about it. Yes, you could still argue that they drank because they were molested or abused and so on. As for me, if I hadn't trust doctors I wouldn't be on SS : still I can't help but blame myself as well as my family, for having to seek for help, for not managing enough on my own and so on.

Everything is complicated and there are many layers to all this IMO. I'm sure we could all track back our current situation from now to our birth with a succession of causes and effects. That's life : a chaotic and inherently mix of our own qualities and fortune, values and environment.

 

[nozomu]

The way I fancy it is as follow : I jump off a bridge without any thinking.

I believe I would manage to do it, not by thinking about it or looking for reasons to accept or mitigate it, but simply by doing it, moving... Just like the few times I had to be on stage during my life, the only way I managed to overcome my fear was to move my leg then the other and follow through.

But our brain loves to think, that's what is making it so hard. Jumping off a bridge, tightening a noose, stabbing yourself : those are all technically pretty easy if it wasn't for our mind imaging it, witnessing it and processing it.

But maybe I'm forgetting about the pain here : it's hard not to think about it...

And I don't mean we shouldn't think about reasons to accept our suicide. At least for me, once I've made peace with it comes another time where I would have to act on it...

For me when I'm close, as in bottles and the tool to open them in hand, metoclopramide already taken... A question a friend from here asked me rushes through my mind.

She asked me "are you really ready to forsake every possibility, good and bad?"


And in pondering this answer, I find myself wishing for more of the good, despite the atrocious weight and pull of the bad.

Though yesterday once again, I came close. I was so low, I didn't care about the good. If I wouldn't have fucked people over by imminently CTBing yesterday, I would have done it in that moment. Unfortunately I owe a few things to people until about mid January. I think for my escape, I will have to find the right moment of when that wishful attitude is gone, and when things feel bad and intense enough to go.

Only then will I be able to break free from this pain. My fears aren't about actually going, because I'm fortunate to have the best method at my disposal. A guaranteed peaceful death. But I guess I'm one of those people who wants to commit suicide to end suffering. And a way to end suffering is to have a peaceful life or a peaceful death. I would prefer to stick around for the peaceful life, but I'm fully prepared if death is the only thing that will bring me peace.

Edit addition; I guess along the theme of this thread -- the bravery of suicide comes from being certain in your choice of what will bring you the most peace. I stumble along that line in the meantime, even though it also takes bravery to endure. It's just that one end of the spectrum has an irreversible finality to it that takes a lot to feel ready for.

 

[baabbaabbaab]

For me when I'm close, as in bottles and the tool to open them in hand, metoclopramide already taken... A question a friend from here asked me rushes through my mind.

She asked me "are you really ready to forsake every possibility, good and bad?"


And in pondering this answer, I find myself wishing for more of the good, despite the atrocious weight and pull of the bad.

Though yesterday once again, I came close. I was so low, I didn't care about the good. If I wouldn't have fucked people over by imminently CTBing yesterday, I would have done it in that moment. Unfortunately I owe a few things to people until about mid January. I think for my escape, I will have to find the right moment of when that wishful attitude is gone, and when things feel bad and intense enough to go.

Only then will I be able to break free from this pain. My fears aren't about actually going, because I'm fortunate to have the best method at my disposal. A guaranteed peaceful death. But I guess I'm one of those people who wants to commit suicide to end suffering. And a way to end suffering is to have a peaceful life or a peaceful death. I would prefer to stick around for the peaceful life, but I'm fully prepared if death is the only thing that will bring me peace.

Edit addition; I guess along the theme of this thread -- the bravery of suicide comes from being certain in your choice of what will bring you the most peace. I stumble along that line in the meantime, even though it also takes bravery to endure. It's just that one end of the spectrum has an irreversible finality to it that takes a lot to feel ready for.

I agree, well put.

She asked me "are you really ready to forsake every possibility, good and bad?"

It's a tricky one. I won't really be fully ready : that's why I want to shut up my obsessive and chatty mind. Or so I think.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

It's just that one end of the spectrum has an irreversible finality to it that takes a lot to feel ready for.

Very much so, it's why it also takes a lot of time mentally to prepare for it. This is why I cannot listen to people who say suicide is an easy out, it is definitely not. People who've reached that point have probably been acutely aware that this decision carries a weight of finality to it which is why most people who do think about ctb don't actually go on to do it but those of us that spend months planning, preparing, observing and contemplating again and again know exactly what this means, we have to confront it. It is an irreversible finality because once we take that jump, it's over.

She asked me "are you really ready to forsake every possibility, good and bad?"

Is this forsaking the possibility of ever experiencing every good or bad thing?

 

[Jarklor]

I am pro-choice and you should have the right to do what you want to do with your body. If you have the right to terminate your own pregnancy you should have the right to terminate yourself. I think the only conditions is that you should be a consenting adult and have thought about it for a long time.

 

[hi-okbye]

I've always said this. It takes guts to rip yourself away from quite literally everything you've ever known in hopes that you'll be somewhere better. There's a certain amount of pain you have to be in to be capable of doing that.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I have to agree. Suicide is brave because every person who has ever done it has faced survival instinct and yet still went through the attempt despite the fears that survival instinct can cause to people. Being brave means to do things despite being scared of said things. Those who successfully killed themselves got real power

 

[Disappointered]

I don't think living a miserable existence is cowardice. But it's sure no bravery at all.

I just wish suicide was accepted as it really is : a painful and hard choice, sometimes rational and sometimes not.

Those who can't embrace it are of two types : those who love you too much to see you go and those who never dare take a gander at the darkness. They may have take a quick glance here and there, but they never mentally dared diving into the endless nothingness.

They don't have too in the end. But if they want to give advises, they have to.

I understand you. Why euthanasia would be accepted if I can ask ?

I never knew before SS that euthanasia meant "good death". I'm so tinted by the christian moral of the Western world that "euthanasia" always had a morally wrong rhyme to it...

I used the word euthanasia in a broad non-technical sense because it seemed easier. In some places there is the possibility of medically assisted death if you meet certain criteria. Suffering, including mental, is taken into consideration. I suffer both physically and mentally. I will be telling a doctor at some point about my fear of the unknown and that it while it is hard to actually do it, that doesn't mean that I don't want it to happen. I'm not sure if that will lead to being forcibly hospitalized but if it does it will seem rather bizarre given that they offer medically assisted death. I'll just be honest: I don't want to live but I don't know when I'll be able to kill myself so what I want most from "health care" at this point is to be counseled toward being calm and fearless for medically assisted death (or doing it on my own if need be).

 

[Return2themoonlight]

To me bravery and cowardice are both terms people use to give a reason or excuse on why people CTB. Like people on here all agree its extremely brave to CTB while others on the outside would say its cowardice. The more you desire the more likely that outcome. Anything else is just an excuse or reason to give meaning to that person's strongest desire no matter the direction they decide to go.