Discussion Suicide avoids future heartache

[Mr2005]

I hate my parents but I don't want to see them die. I don't care what they think when I'm dead though

 

[Isadeth]

Is it because you hate your parents that you don't care about their reaction/emotions if you ctb? Or is it more of a punishment thing towards them?

I care how I'll affect those around me if/when I ctb. However, stopping the pain is overriding a majority of those feelings. I love my family dearly, and I'm open about the possibility of ctb. They don't blame me for wanting to... but I know they don't want me to for their own selfish human reasons.

If I can get the pain under control my urge to ctb will dissipate greatly, but I am losing hope. Hope has been what I've been holding on to.

I know my suicide will cause heartache, but what about my future?

I hope you're doing okay ♡

 

[Mr2005]

No but thankyou anyway. It took strength to actually write anything. I'm staring death in the face and I'm so angry with myself and them that it was allowed to get to this I can't sleep. The level of incompetence is staggering. I don't deserve to live and they don't deserve for me be alive. Was just looking at the cat and a tear rolled down my cheek.

 

[Captive of Mind]

No but thankyou anyway. It took strength to actually write anything. I'm staring death in the face and I'm so angry with myself and them that it was allowed to get to this I can't sleep. The level of incompetence is staggering. I don't deserve to live and they don't deserve for me be alive. Was just looking at the cat and a tear rolled down my cheek.

Fuck. This is sobering.. I can relate to all of it. I'm sorry that you were cast into such a role in life. We didn't ask for things to be like this.

 

[Mr2005]

Fuck. This is sobering.. I can relate to all of it. I'm sorry that you were cast into such a role in life. We didn't ask for things to be like this.

I don't know what I expected. My dad even said it himself meaning he knew this would be the outcome and let it happen anyway.

 

[Isadeth]

No but thankyou anyway. It took strength to actually write anything. I'm staring death in the face and I'm so angry with myself and them that it was allowed to get to this I can't sleep. The level of incompetence is staggering. I don't deserve to live and they don't deserve for me be alive. Was just looking at the cat and a tear rolled down my cheek.

I'm very sorry you're basically trapped in this perpetual sadness. I know nothing will help, but I'm proud that you were able to write something. To get it off your chest. I wish I could give you a hug. I may not know exactly what you're going through, but I know what it's like to feel like a burden to your parents... especially if they are not kind towards you. ♡

 

[Mr2005]

I'm very sorry you're basically trapped in this perpetual sadness. I know nothing will help, but I'm proud that you were able to write something. To get it off your chest. I wish I could give you a hug. I may not know exactly what you're going through, but I know what it's like to feel like a burden to your parents... especially if they are not kind towards you. ♡

My mum will say I ruined her life while I'll say she ruined mine. I was under the impression she was going to help but she never did and I've been living with it ever since. Why didn't I do it myself? It was too important to risk and makes me feel like the most worthless piece of shit on earth. I've wasted my life waiting for her and she doesn't even realise. Was it all so I could say I told you so? She doesn't care, she'll only understand the loss once I'm dead. I fear that's going to be soon due to what was essentially a misunderstanding. It's my girlfriend I feel bad for. It's going to destroy her but I'm not sure I can keep going just for her. She got me thinking before by asking me what it is I want going forward and I honestly couldn't answer. I don't want anything going forward, everything I want is gone so why am I still here? Because it could have been a good life? Yeah but it wasn't so better I never have to think about it again

 

[Isadeth]

My mum will say I ruined her life while I'll say she ruined mine. I was under the impression she was going to help but she never did and I've been living with it ever since. Why didn't I do it myself? It was too important to risk and makes me feel like the most worthless piece of shit on earth. I've wasted my life waiting for her and she doesn't even realise. Was it all so I could say I told you so? She doesn't care, she'll only understand the loss once I'm dead. I fear that's going to be soon due to what was essentially a misunderstanding. It's my girlfriend I feel bad for. It's going to destroy her but I'm not sure I can keep going just for her. She got me thinking before by asking me what it is I want going forward and I honestly couldn't answer. I don't want anything going forward, everything I want is gone so why am I still here? Because it could have been a good life? Yeah but it wasn't so better I never have to think about it again

What gives your mother so much power over you? You seem like you have a great relationship with your girlfriend, and that you want a good life with her. Is ctb only focused on your mother or are there other reasons?

I only know a piece of your story, but I grew up basically without a childhood... due to my mother. I was her parent. I don't know if our stories are similar, but I hold a lot of resentment still for that. Even now I parent her. It's a cycle I can't seem to exit. She is basically one of my kids... I would give anything for a "normal" mother. I still love her, but I resent her.

 

[Mr2005]

What gives your mother so much power over you? You seem like you have a great relationship with your girlfriend, and that you want a good life with her. Is ctb only focused on your mother or are there other reasons?

I only know a piece of your story, but I grew up basically without a childhood... due to my mother. I was her parent. I don't know if our stories are similar, but I hold a lot of resentment still for that. Even now I parent her. It's a cycle I can't seem to exit. She is basically one of my kids... I would give anything for a "normal" mother. I still love her, but I resent her.

I was still being treated like a baby in my early twenties and I let her. It physically pains me to think about now. I never took charge of my own life. The life I've got now is just what I ended up with.

 

[Isadeth]

I was still being treated like a baby in my early twenties and I let her. It physically pains me to think about now. I never took charge of my own life. The life I've got now is just what I ended up with.

Are you able to break the cycle? To not allow her to baby you? It's okay to be babied by your parents every one in a while. Hell, sometimes we need it. Have you been able to take charge once you realized what was happening?

 

[Mr2005]

Are you able to break the cycle? To not allow her to baby you? It's okay to be babied by your parents every one in a while. Hell, sometimes we need it. Have you been able to take charge once you realized what was happening?

I grew up overnight. Sadly I've never been able to deal with what I lost since. I don't want anything from her

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I don't want anything going forward, everything I want is gone so why am I still here? Because it could have been a good life? Yeah but it wasn't so better I never have to think about it again

I can relate to this. I feel as if though I died a year ago and I've been a walking, talking corpse with a pulse ever since. When people ask me what would make me happy, I honestly cannot even imagine it.

 

[Mr2005]

I can relate to this. I feel as if though I died a year ago and I've been a walking, talking corpse with a pulse ever since. When people ask me what would make me happy, I honestly cannot even imagine it.

In hindsight I can see I basically killed myself in 2005. I probably should have actually killed myself in 2010 and if I don't kill myself now I'll probably wish I had

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Was just looking at the cat and a tear rolled down my cheek.

This just made me cry. It's going to be hard to leave my kitty

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

In hindsight I can see I basically killed myself in 2005. I probably should have actually killed myself in 2010 and if I don't kill myself now I'll probably wish I had

I can relate. The years are different, but the sentiment is the same.

 

[Mr2005]

I'd give anything to be able to change it but then I wouldn't have my cat and girlfriend. It's absolutely devastating I have to not only lose them but inflict that upon her. She doesn't deserve it but I just can't live myself. I don't even let her near me anymore. If someone could just remove this from my brain she'd have her boyfriend back

 

[Isadeth]

I grew up overnight. Sadly I've never been able to deal with what I lost since. I don't want anything from her

I can relate to growing up overnight. I'm sorry ♡ what do you believe you lost since?

 

[Mr2005]

I can relate to growing up overnight. I'm sorry ♡ what do you believe you lost since?

Me, my youth, my hope, my dreams

 

[Isadeth]

Me, my youth, my hope, my dreams

That's rough. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I'm 29 and I relate to lost youth. I grew up way too fast but i didn't have a choice. I had kids young because i already felt much older than i was... I'm still trying to find myself though. Maybe one day. My own hope is dwindling as I'm a chronic pain patient, and my dreams seem to follow. I have decent jobs, but for how much longer? Certainly not retirement. Hugs ♡

 

[Mr2005]

That's rough. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I'm 29 and I relate to lost youth. I grew up way too fast but i didn't have a choice. I had kids young because i already felt much older than i was... I'm still trying to find myself though. Maybe one day. My own hope is dwindling as I'm a chronic pain patient, and my dreams seem to follow. I have decent jobs, but for how much longer? Certainly not retirement. Hugs ♡

I'm 34 and feel as if I haven't moved off this couch since I was 17

 

[Isadeth]

I'm 34 and feel as if I haven't moved off this couch since I was 17

But you have. It might not feel like it, but you have. And lounging on a couch is fairly nice. I do it too, entirely too much haha like now. ♡