how did you feel while making suicide decision and why did you decide to commit suicide and how was your emotional state during ctb impusive or calm?
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SwagGalore
Hugging boyfriend hours B)
- Nov 27, 2020
- 24
It was a very stupid attempt in retrospect. I was 17, and my parents were about to catch me in a huge lie regarding my grades and admission status at community college. I have ADHD and a whole host of mental illnesses my parents don't take very seriously. Telling them about academic struggles or failure isn't really an option.
I didn't want to have to die, so I left all thoughts and plans until the day shit would hit the fan. At that point I felt completely trapped. I was panicked and weepy and didn't grab everything I needed. I probably would've been profoundly sad except I had no friends at the time and felt I had no path forward in life. I wasn't looking forward to any aspect of being dead. I simply felt I had no choice.
I took the first several pills and then messaged a younger girl who looked up to me and told her to have a good day at school. At that point, I felt too scared to think, so I watched the squirrels in the tree and on the fence near me while I slowly downed more pills. The process took a few hours; I wanted to digest as much as possible without throwing up. As I began to feel tired, the squirrels worked up the courage to come closer. I was feeling less scared at this point, and I lay down to watch them. I really appreciated the entertainment and "company," and knew if I came out alive, it would be with a newly-ignited squirrel passion. The all-consuming fear was eventually replaced with exhaustion. I was grateful for as much and fell asleep.
I didn't stay asleep, of course. But that's a whole different story.
My state of mind and plans today are incredibly different. I've been considering details for months in advance, and I refuse not to complete any attempt I might make.
I didn't want to have to die, so I left all thoughts and plans until the day shit would hit the fan. At that point I felt completely trapped. I was panicked and weepy and didn't grab everything I needed. I probably would've been profoundly sad except I had no friends at the time and felt I had no path forward in life. I wasn't looking forward to any aspect of being dead. I simply felt I had no choice.
I took the first several pills and then messaged a younger girl who looked up to me and told her to have a good day at school. At that point, I felt too scared to think, so I watched the squirrels in the tree and on the fence near me while I slowly downed more pills. The process took a few hours; I wanted to digest as much as possible without throwing up. As I began to feel tired, the squirrels worked up the courage to come closer. I was feeling less scared at this point, and I lay down to watch them. I really appreciated the entertainment and "company," and knew if I came out alive, it would be with a newly-ignited squirrel passion. The all-consuming fear was eventually replaced with exhaustion. I was grateful for as much and fell asleep.
I didn't stay asleep, of course. But that's a whole different story.
My state of mind and plans today are incredibly different. I've been considering details for months in advance, and I refuse not to complete any attempt I might make.
Mostly out of anger or such feelings that I’m better off head. I’ve tried to hang myself a few times in the moment, and never worked.
you felt hepless and hopeless.How did you feel during ctb,impulsive or calm?
NodusTollens
☾
- Nov 17, 2020
- 989
I feel “everything,” then nothing.
While feeling “everything,” my thoughts would race & I would think about CTB. I would go back & forth between yes/no & list all the reasons why/why not.
While all this is going on in my head, I’m listening- but not really. It’s kind of feels like background noise- white noise. Almost like reciting something you’ve committed to memory.
Then I remember my body going numb; kind of like I had no real sense of anything from the neck down. My mind would go blank & I would just be “ready.”
While feeling “everything,” my thoughts would race & I would think about CTB. I would go back & forth between yes/no & list all the reasons why/why not.
While all this is going on in my head, I’m listening- but not really. It’s kind of feels like background noise- white noise. Almost like reciting something you’ve committed to memory.
Then I remember my body going numb; kind of like I had no real sense of anything from the neck down. My mind would go blank & I would just be “ready.”
Why did hanging never work? What happened that ruined the attempt
My 1st attempt I was calm and ready to go. Everything was going to plan till good ol' si kicked in and made me think long enough, as far as giving a friend enough time to figure out what I was up to and having the cops called. 2nd attempt, I was a mess as far as I let a friend use my atm card and she darn near drained my account over a few days. When I found out I completely melted and made the mistake of calling my shrink and the cops were at my door in a matter of a few minutes. 1st time, calm and surreal and 2nd time a mental meltdown where I do not even remember some things.
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Crying myself into a calm reflective state and then acceptance of what I was about to do. Quite profound.
1st attemp seems planned, planned has a SI disadvantage, because u have no urge that surpress SI,you have to do it with your willpower
Pookie
Somebody you used to know.
- Oct 18, 2020
- 1,051
I was drunk and high so I had no fear. I was on autopilot and my brain just kept saying “you have to die, you have to die, you have to die.”
I felt calm while attempting... hospital was a different story.
The first time I was 9 so I had no idea what I was doing. At 16 it broke and i woke up puking and the third time someone called police on me and they kicked in my door
Lotus
Experienced
- Dec 17, 2019
- 234
I had planned it for a month before my first and only attempt. I took care of all the practical stuff for weeks, including writing a will. I had everything for my attempt ready and had booked a hotel. I was so certain that this would be my way out. I was very calm about my decision, and felt that I was ready. When that's said, the attempt on that specific day was impulsive due to several factors, and that's why I failed. It was considered a severe attempt, and I wouldn't have been here if I was sure that I would be left alone that night. But again, being impulsive for a little time causes a lot of damage. My only thought when I was at the ER and then the psych ward was to do another attempt right after I got out, but unfortunately the police had taken my SN, and I wasn't able to get it again after that. I was feeling so stupid to bring both of my bottles with SN so that everything was taken from me, but regrets... That's the story of my life. It's almost been a year since my attempt, and I have mixed emotions about it. I've tried recovery, and now everything is just falling a part again, but in general terms I'm at a better place now than a year ago. But who knows how long that's going to last.
My first attempt was impulsive. I was either in my sophomore or junior year of high school and I hadn't gone to school for weeks, maybe months. I think I ended up with about 100 absences that year and for context, a school year is usually 180 days. I felt backed into a corner and every waking moment, I felt my anxiety suffocating me. It got worse as I continued skipping school, but I was already so behind in all my classes that attending didn't feel like an option. Eventually I reached my breaking point and felt like I had no other choice but to ctb. I hated myself so much for putting myself in this situation so once my parents left for work, I attempted to hang myself. Of course, I couldn't figure out how to correctly do it despite all the hours of research I poured into this method and now, here I am, two attempts later, still depressed, but not as bad as I was in high school.
kappa
Experienced
- Apr 2, 2019
- 232
Couldn’t tell you. Each time, I was blacked out on a ton of Xanax. No memory of anything, remember getting inside an ambulance once but that’s it.
It’s an really odd feeling to know you’ve attempted a few times and have no idea what really happened.
I’ve read my tests results online regarding my hospital stays, but I have no idea what they found. I know the EMTs couldn’t wake me up on the last one and that’s all I know.
I was told how I almost died, but tbh don’t know if it’s bullshit or not.
It’s an really odd feeling to know you’ve attempted a few times and have no idea what really happened.
I’ve read my tests results online regarding my hospital stays, but I have no idea what they found. I know the EMTs couldn’t wake me up on the last one and that’s all I know.
I was told how I almost died, but tbh don’t know if it’s bullshit or not.
winechateu
Member
- Dec 4, 2020
- 33
My 1 and only attempt was impulsive I guess. I did not plan it previously but I was constantly thinking about it in the back of my mind.
All I remember is seeing my friend dressed up as a cow on instagram, calling the hotline service and saying too much about myself and the police had found me an hour later after I took pills and began to pack my things.
The main takeaway:
I felt calm. I felt the endorphins releasing. Nearing the end of my suicide hotline phone call, I just kept saying “I am excited.” I physically felt clammy but I felt calm and at ease. I knew I had nothing to worry about anymore and all my stress and problems would be gone. I felt good.
All I remember is seeing my friend dressed up as a cow on instagram, calling the hotline service and saying too much about myself and the police had found me an hour later after I took pills and began to pack my things.
The main takeaway:
I felt calm. I felt the endorphins releasing. Nearing the end of my suicide hotline phone call, I just kept saying “I am excited.” I physically felt clammy but I felt calm and at ease. I knew I had nothing to worry about anymore and all my stress and problems would be gone. I felt good.
awfullife
Arcanist
- Nov 16, 2019
- 435
Yah WTF is that...I've felt that same thing. The euphoria almost of knowing you are going to die. It felt really good. Then you get down to the knitty gritty part of pulling the trigger and that is a bitch
xLosthopex
Tell my dogs I love them
- May 29, 2020
- 1,135
Most of my past attempts have been impulsive, besides maybe 2
I think it’s easier to overcome SI when it’s done impulsively, which is unfortunate lol because I think SI is going to be an issue for me with my next(and last) attempt
I think it’s easier to overcome SI when it’s done impulsively, which is unfortunate lol because I think SI is going to be an issue for me with my next(and last) attempt
Gromit-CTB
time for ctb
- Nov 14, 2020
- 847
Attempts - fine, failing - feel like a loser, living back in life after - feel a total failure
DeathBySuicide
-
- Nov 30, 2020
- 46
I have seven attempts. Why I decided to attempt? Easy answer: life sucks. I've planned out who knows how many attempts, but never used any of them until I felt like I simply couldn't take it anymore. So I guess my attempts were more impulsive than anything. I usually felt strangely calm during my attempts, although I was nervous and slightly scared too of what comes after death. I'm a Christian so I believe in heaven, but that isn't exactly going to stop me from being nervous about death.
Mentalmick
IMHOTEP!!!
- Nov 30, 2020
- 2,048
I've had five goes at it. Usually impulsive apart from the first time.
Csmith8827
"It's all just a dream"
- Oct 26, 2019
- 440
Yea dude that's how i felt the first time I ordered my N and got scammed. I felt like at peace with the decision and even eager/ready to go through with it. It was unbelievable but I wasn't scared or frightened/fearful at all. I think that's like when you know you're truly ready.
Breadbfra
Specialist
- Jul 16, 2020
- 372
Dumb attempt but I was...14? I only had pretty bad side effects.
Tremendous waking up. I do not want to do that again not even in nightmares
Tremendous waking up. I do not want to do that again not even in nightmares
Throwmyselfaway
Not gone yet but soon
- Jan 14, 2020
- 798
Sit back kids and I will tell the story of me a dumb teen in the 90s. Me and bestie decided to take a 100 Tylenol while we were on the phone together. Nothing happened other then we both passed out. I don’t remember how many we each took but that was a dumb choice and on impulse. I regret trying anytime on impulse. I want it on my terms only not because something set it off and I need to go right this second which gets harder by the day.
one.way.out
Student
- Jul 9, 2021
- 135
I did a hanging attempt. It was for a different reason than depression. I tried to hang myself. I was calm before, but during I started freaking out. I thought "I want to live" very intensely and removed the noose. However, now I regret not trying again.