- Nov 19, 2019
how did you feel while making suicide decision and why did you decide to commit suicide and how was your emotional state during ctb impusive or calm?
It was a very stupid attempt in retrospect. I was 17, and my parents were about to catch me in a huge lie regarding my grades and admission status at community college. I have ADHD and a whole host of mental illnesses my parents don't take very seriously. Telling them about academic struggles or failure isn't really an option.
I didn't want to have to die, so I left all thoughts and plans until the day shit would hit the fan. At that point I felt completely trapped. I was panicked and weepy and didn't grab everything I needed. I probably would've been profoundly sad except I had no friends at the time and felt I had no path forward in life. I wasn't looking forward to any aspect of being dead. I simply felt I had no choice.
I took the first several pills and then messaged a younger girl who looked up to me and told her to have a good day at school. At that point, I felt too scared to think, so I watched the squirrels in the tree and on the fence near me while I slowly downed more pills. The process took a few hours; I wanted to digest as much as possible without throwing up. As I began to feel tired, the squirrels worked up the courage to come closer. I was feeling less scared at this point, and I lay down to watch them. I really appreciated the entertainment and "company," and knew if I came out alive, it would be with a newly-ignited squirrel passion. The all-consuming fear was eventually replaced with exhaustion. I was grateful for as much and fell asleep.
I didn't stay asleep, of course. But that's a whole different story.
My state of mind and plans today are incredibly different. I've been considering details for months in advance, and I refuse not to complete any attempt I might make.
Impulsive, like I had been backed into a corner and was reacting in animalistic fear. I only felt calm once my body and mind began slowing down due to the drugs I took.you felt hepless and hopeless.How did you feel during ctb,impulsive or calm?
Impulsive, like I had been backed into a corner and was reacting in animalistic fear. I only felt calm once my body and mind began slowing down due to the drugs I took.
Why did hanging never work? What happened that ruined the attemptMostly out of anger or such feelings that I’m better off head. I’ve tried to hang myself a few times in the moment, and never worked.
My 1st attempt I was calm and ready to go. Everything was going to plan till good ol' si kicked in and made me think long enough, as far as giving a friend enough time to figure out what I was up to and having the cops called. 2nd attempt, I was a mess as far as I let a friend use my atm card and she darn near drained my account over a few days. When I found out I completely melted and made the mistake of calling my shrink and the cops were at my door in a matter of a few minutes. 1st time, calm and surreal and 2nd time a mental meltdown where I do not even remember some things.
28/F/U.S./Irreligious/working class background
how did you feel while making suicide decision: Calm, Walking into the arms of relief (Azrael). Rational. No different than one feels when they decide to deficate or wash themselves. Worried about coming back brain dead. How to alert someone so they could find my body without causing a stir. Agitated that I could not donate my organs.
and why did you decide to commit suicide: Dystopian 1984 society. Anomie. Everyone qualifies to be a felon. Dante's Inferno is a good summation <been stuck in the 7th circle since 12>(I was raised with no religion and even I agree). Never ending strife/drug war/holy war/DV/gang violence/political polarization. Slander and libel in every sentence. Double jeopardy. Child abuse like you would not believe. Rape culture. Mass incarceration. Mass gun violence. Disease spreading that cannot be stymied through any means. Absurdity. People turning on each other. Slave trading. Eugenics. The U.S. is a death trap.
how was your emotional state during ctb impusive or calm? Calm. Sigh of sweet relief.
The first time I was 9 so I had no idea what I was doing. At 16 it broke and i woke up puking and the third time someone called police on me and they kicked in my doorWhy did hanging never work? What happened that ruined the attempt
1st time, calm and surreal