Venting Suicide and I

[Tired_M]

The way I feel about suicide has just changed so fast, I'm shocked.

5 years ago. I found it repulsing and I thought that people that would CTB were always in the wrong. I've said harmful things to depressed friends because of that.

3 years ago. it would cross my mind from times to times, that tiny voice asking me: "Hey, but what if?". It was really triggering but I managed to repel it. Another thing I was repressing but that would come back 100 times stronger eventually.

1 year ago. After two massive panic attacks, I started to wake up every single day with suicidal thoughts. When I was studying, suicidal thoughts. When I was with friends and family, suicidal thoughts. No matter what I was doing, suicidal thoughts. Thinking about it 24/7 (well, not when I was sleeping ofc) made me realize that yes, CTB is the only solution for me.

6 months ago. I needed to find how to do it. It became an obsession. I was so stressed because I couldn't find a method that was "good" for me. I didn't want anything violent, I couldn't afford anything more than 50€, I don't own a car, I didn't want to hang myself, my family is used to get news from me almost every day, I couldn't just leave like that... I felt like that even suicide wasn't made for me. What a loser.

A few weeks ago. I finally found this website. I wanted to find some information about the CO method, even though I knew it would have been almost impossible for me to use it. Then I saw people mentioning SN. I read the megathread and the guide. I found that I just needed to buy meto and SN, I already have everything else. I'm gonna buy both products soon. I feel relieved. At peace even. Somehow... Happy? I'll finally be able to do it. I'm ready to do it. I'm still depressed af, but my mind feel lighter now. I'm glad I found this forum.

 

[Life+me=error]

Very relatable!!!

 

[Tired_M]

Very relatable!!!

Always good to know you're not the only one to feel one way...

 

[Jean Améry]

Your experience is indeed relatable. I don't think I've ever condemned those who CTB'd but I do remember distinctly being so happy I simply couldn't understand why people would do it. Of course that changed rather dramatically or I wouldn't be on this forum. Very strange looking back at that time now.

I think it's fairly common to experience a sense of relief once one has a reliable, relatively painfree method.

Of course this doesn't mean you absolutely must CTB. It's your choice but perhaps this sense of relief could be used to reflect on possible solutions to your predicament. This isn't meant as dissuasion, only pointing out that many people have been through very difficult periods in their life, felt suicidal and yet in the end found a way to cope and even become happy to a point.

The goal of this forum isn't to convince people that death is the answer but to provide a safe, judgement free zone to discuss those things. In the end it's up to the individual to make their choice.

 

[Icarus]

Hi Tired_M, same story here.

 

[Tired_M]

I don't think I've ever condemned those who CTB'd but I do remember distinctly being so happy I simply couldn't understand why people would do it. Of course that changed rather dramatically or I wouldn't be on this forum. Very strange looking back at that time now.

Yeah, I wasn't in such a dark place back then, but I was also young and ignorant and so optimistic about people and the world, I guess I tried to shove my positivity in my friends' face. And now that I'm deep down in depression, and seeing people doing that to me, I now realize that it was indeed harmful unfortunately.

The goal of this forum isn't to convince people that death is the answer but to provide a safe, judgement free zone to discuss those things. In the end it's up to the individual to make their choice.

I see what you mean. I was kinda scared to post this vent, I really don't want to convince people that suicide is the only solution. It isn't. It's just how I feel and I really would feel awful if I ever convince people that it's a universal thing (might delete this thread actually).

When it comes to trying to find solutions, I know I could try some of them. Fun fact, I actually haven't tried anything. Therapy, medications, anything. It sounds crazy, I know. I know I should try other things first before going straight to CTB. I know I'm doing things wrong and I'm wasting maybe a chance for it to work. Unfortunately, I work in the medical field. I've done few internships in psychiatric hostpitals. I have psychology and psychiatry classes. I've probably developed some kind of "white coat effect" sensitivity and paranoia because of that. I'm geniunly too scared to give it a try. Also I know I could treat my depression and anxiety. But I can't erase the origins of it. I will never overcome how much I hate myself and the demons that are haunting me. Finally (sorry for the long vent lol), I become mute when I try to talk about my issues. I'm able to talk about it here, because it's the Internet and it has its little magic thing that allows me to speak, but other than that, I'm unable to talk to people I trust about my past, my feelings, my thoughts.

Who knows, maybe next time I get very drunk or high my thick shell will disappear and I'll tell everything to someone and end up with medics at my door. Maybe that's what I need. Maybe.

 

[Jean Améry]

I see what you mean. I was kinda scared to post this vent, I really don't want to convince people that suicide is the only solution. It isn't. It's just how I feel and I really would feel awful if I ever convince people that it's a universal thing (might delete this thread actually).

When it comes to trying to find solutions, I know I could try some of them. Fun fact, I actually haven't tried anything. Therapy, medications, anything. It sounds crazy, I know. I know I should try other things first before going straight to CTB. I know I'm doing things wrong and I'm wasting maybe a chance for it to work. Unfortunately, I work in the medical field. I've done few internships in psychiatric hostpitals. I have psychology and psychiatry classes. I've probably developed some kind of "white coat effect" sensitivity and paranoia because of that. I'm geniunly too scared to give it a try. Also I know I could treat my depression and anxiety. But I can't erase the origins of it. I will never overcome how much I hate myself and the demons that are haunting me. Finally (sorry for the long vent lol), I become mute when I try to talk about my issues. I'm able to talk about it here, because it's the Internet and it has its little magic thing that allows me to speak, but other than that, I'm unable to talk to people I trust about my past, my feelings, my thoughts.

Who knows, maybe next time I get very drunk or high my thick shell will disappear and I'll tell everything to someone and end up with medics at my door. Maybe that's what I need. Maybe.

I don't think any reasonable person would read a recommendation to suicide in your post so there's certainly no need to delete it. I certainly did not mean to imply that. It was only meant to clarify that I'm not trying to convince you of anything and I wholely subscribe to the central principle of this forum: pro choice.

A lot of people here feel the way you do (more or less: it's hard to compare of course) and the great advantage of the internet is anonimity so feel free to talk about the things that bother you. You will not be judged and it's highly likely people will understand.

I've had personal experience with psychiatry (3 shrinks in private practice and one stint at a psychiatric wing for depression, voluntarily) and given that experience and what I've read about it over the years I do not put much stock in the supposed efficacity of psychiatric 'treatments' nor the assumption that certain behaviours, thoughts and feelings are indicative of certain 'mental illnesses' but I'm not going to force my beliefs on people.

If you feel going that route might be beneficial to you perhaps it's worth checking out: there's no teacher like experience after all.

Fear on the other hand is generally a bad advisor. What do you fear exactly? Aslong as you don't exhibit signs that suicide is imminent there's usually no grounds for involuntary commitment.

If you fear for your reputation visiting someone in private practice might be a solution.

Realistically speaking the future is generally unpredictable so it's not necessarily so that all is lost. I know the feeling but there is merit in rationally examining one's options. Talking to others (here or elsewhere, in person or anonymously) could clarify things and perhaps ease the feeling of despair and doom. I know it did for me.

 

[Rachel74]

Very relatable!!!

I agree x

 

[Tired_M]

I don't think any reasonable person would read a recommendation to suicide in your post so there's certainly no need to delete it. I certainly did not mean to imply that. It was only meant to clarify that I'm not trying to convince you of anything and I wholely subscribe to the central principle of this forum: pro choice.

A lot of people here feel the way you do (more or less: it's hard to compare of course) and the great advantage of the internet is anonimity so feel free to talk about the things that bother you. You will not be judged and it's highly likely people will understand.

I've had personal experience with psychiatry (3 shrinks in private practice and one stint at a psychiatric wing for depression, voluntarily) and given that experience and what I've read about it over the years I do not put much stock in the supposed efficacity of psychiatric 'treatments' nor the assumption that certain behaviours, thoughts and feelings are indicative of certain 'mental illnesses' but I'm not going to force my beliefs on people.

If you feel going that route might be beneficial to you perhaps it's worth checking out: there's no teacher like experience after all.

Fear on the other hand is generally a bad advisor. What do you fear exactly? Aslong as you don't exhibit signs that suicide is imminent there's usually no grounds for involuntary commitment.

If you fear for your reputation visiting someone in private practice might be a solution.

Realistically speaking the future is generally unpredictable so it's not necessarily so that all is lost. I know the feeling but there is merit in rationally examining one's options. Talking to others (here or elsewhere, in person or anonymously) could clarify things and perhaps ease the feeling of despair and doom. I know it did for me.

Thanks for taking some time to share me your story and talking to me. Means a lot.

Yes, I've found more than one person that has similar feelings as I do and/or lived similar events in their past. It kills the loneliness a little bit.

When it comes to the fear, it's a mix of a lot of things. Not shame, it's normal to reach for professionals when you can't deal with a specific condition, whether it's physical or mental. I'm scared to get my dignity crushed by medical teams tho, I know they treat kids pretty well here, but I'm now over 18. During my internship, I saw nurses calling patients' names, saying right next to them that they were dumb, childish, asking them to stop being whiny and go somewhere else while they were smoking cigarettes. I know working in a psychiatrist center is overwhelming, I've been overwhelmed myself during my time working there, but still.

I don't want a psychologist or psychiatrist to tell me "don't think like that, focus on the positive things only, you'll see, life is so much better!". I've been told that way too often, it makes me feel like they think I'm an absolute idiot.

I don't wanna take meds that turn me into a lifeless and tired person. My Xanax (the only medication I have) makes me feel so, so sleepy and I can't do a thing. They'll probably give me more benzos if I tell them about feeling depressed and suicidal, plus more meds if they diagnose other disorders (my doc said there might be more than just my """""high potential""""").

And all of these methods are used to deal with the visible part of the iceberg. Not what's under it. Unfortunately.

But I don't want to hurry things. I have my method, soon the missing products, I'll keep them all in my closet. But I'll wait. As you said, I could learn a lot from people here. I already have. And I'll try to think about all the possibilities besides CTB. I'm not an impulsive person, I have to plan things beforehand. So yeah, I still have time.

 

[trynacbt]

My thoughts on ctb have also changed a lot over the years... at first, I felt guilty for thinking people could have the right to choose. Now I see it as one of the highest forms of compassion.